Wow. Again, I cannot believe so many weeks have gone by without a post. That is probably a good thing.
Status quo for now. Our son is NOT using. Our son is not in trouble. Our son is alive. Our son is making his own appointments to see his probation officer. He is getting himself to community service. He is going to meetings. He is 'looking for a job', but its hard to find I know, so we are being patient because he is not using, is not getting into trouble, and he is still alive. Things will come in due time.
We have completed our family sessions with the big group down at the treatment center. I am going to miss those Friday night sessions, but it is time for us to move on. We still have our support group during the week and after the holidays we will start to go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings. My wife and I need to heal, we need to follow a 12 step program and start to catch up with our son and his recovery.
So for now, for today, everything is good. Again, break it down into simple terms: He is not using, he is not getting in trouble, and he is still alive. Everything after that will come in due time.
That's it for now. We have today, and that is good enough for me.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Progress, not perfection
Wow. I can't believe its been almost a month since my last post. I guess that means things are actually going ok. Quiet is good. Quiet is no problems and no action, which is good.
We have to remember that life can be broken down into simple terms at times. He is not using right now, he is not in jail, and he is still alive. Anything else right now is a bonus.
In the last few weeks there have been somethings going on, but nothing bad. Our son moved into a Sober House and that went well. We helped him with the move and he has settled down there. He is looking for a job and going to meetings and doing what he can to keep busy. He had his final court date and that went as expected with only two years probation. He has done the things we asked him to do on his own....make an appt with a dr, make sure he gets to his probation meeting, etc...so we are hoping that he is starting to grow up a little bit and learn some responsibility. He is learning how to get around without a car (trains, busses, and rides from friends).
Two weeks ago he actually came home for a visit with his sponsor. We invited them over for dinner. It went well and at the end of the night we drove him back home.
Therefore, I can't complain. We just need to find a way to not worry about him, and that is part of our own recovery.
I'll try to post more, but I am just tired all the time and just can't seem to find the effort. I think my own recovery will help with that.
We have to remember that life can be broken down into simple terms at times. He is not using right now, he is not in jail, and he is still alive. Anything else right now is a bonus.
In the last few weeks there have been somethings going on, but nothing bad. Our son moved into a Sober House and that went well. We helped him with the move and he has settled down there. He is looking for a job and going to meetings and doing what he can to keep busy. He had his final court date and that went as expected with only two years probation. He has done the things we asked him to do on his own....make an appt with a dr, make sure he gets to his probation meeting, etc...so we are hoping that he is starting to grow up a little bit and learn some responsibility. He is learning how to get around without a car (trains, busses, and rides from friends).
Two weeks ago he actually came home for a visit with his sponsor. We invited them over for dinner. It went well and at the end of the night we drove him back home.
Therefore, I can't complain. We just need to find a way to not worry about him, and that is part of our own recovery.
I'll try to post more, but I am just tired all the time and just can't seem to find the effort. I think my own recovery will help with that.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Baby setps, but hopefully good steps
Last week was a good week for our son, despite the delay in the final court date.
On Tuesday I drove him to an interview at a sober house in Port Reading (right next to Woodbridge). At first I was not sure this was a good location, but after I looked at it I realized the house was only one mile from the train station, and he can take the train to his meetings, to Matawan to walk to Keyport for outpatient, and to other towns such as Redbank, Hazlet, etc, to look for work. He was in the house there for about 45 minutes and they voted him in. He really liked the house, and the guys in it. They were older (30's and 40's) and more committed and further along in their recovery.
On Wednesday he went on his own to Bradley Beach to another sober house, but he didn't like it. The house as nicer, but there were more people in it, and they were younger (all about his age) and he felt they were not as committed to their recovery as he would like, and less further along.
He therefore decided on moving into the sober house in Port Reading, with the move date set for 10/30.
Friday was an interesting day/evening. We first met with our son and his counselor to go over his discharge from the in-patient program and discuss things like his move, a budget, looking for a job, etc. He agreed that two sessions a week of outpatient would be fine, and it would give him more time to look for work, and hopefully work. We went over a budget possibility and while we were not in total agreement with all of the numbers we are at least in the same ballpark. Until he gets a job we are going to have to pay for all of his expenses (rent, food, cigarettes, transportation) and then will probably still have to help him out when he does find work. However, even if we have to pay the whole thing for awhile it will still be alot cheaper than him staying where he currently is ($200 a day now compared to $150 a week rent plus living expenses).
Everything went well until he asked for his laptop and a TV. We told him not yet. He was not happy. Our rationale is that we don't want him segregating himself in his room at the house. The house has a big-screen TV in the living room and a computer in the den for everyone to use. He wants the laptop for his music, and so he can start recording again. We told him he WILL get it, but not until he settles in at the house, can prove to us that he can lead a sober life, and finds a job. He was not happy, but eventually accepted out decision.
After the session with his counselor we went out to dinner and then instead of going to the family session went to one of the NA/CA meetings he goes to. This was excellent for us because it gave us a chance to meet some of the people that are in his support network....the people that he sees at the meetings most nights. While we did not learn anything new at the meeting, we did see how well some people are doing in their recovery (which gives us hope for our son's continued success in his recovery) and it reminded us that more people should do what we did. People who do not have a family member in recovery truly do not understand the disease of addiction. If they were to go to some of these meetings that would see that these recovering addicts are normal people, just like everyone else.
That's all for now. We help him move on Friday night, and then our anxiety level will increase because he will be on his own, which of course he had to get to eventually.
On Tuesday I drove him to an interview at a sober house in Port Reading (right next to Woodbridge). At first I was not sure this was a good location, but after I looked at it I realized the house was only one mile from the train station, and he can take the train to his meetings, to Matawan to walk to Keyport for outpatient, and to other towns such as Redbank, Hazlet, etc, to look for work. He was in the house there for about 45 minutes and they voted him in. He really liked the house, and the guys in it. They were older (30's and 40's) and more committed and further along in their recovery.
On Wednesday he went on his own to Bradley Beach to another sober house, but he didn't like it. The house as nicer, but there were more people in it, and they were younger (all about his age) and he felt they were not as committed to their recovery as he would like, and less further along.
He therefore decided on moving into the sober house in Port Reading, with the move date set for 10/30.
Friday was an interesting day/evening. We first met with our son and his counselor to go over his discharge from the in-patient program and discuss things like his move, a budget, looking for a job, etc. He agreed that two sessions a week of outpatient would be fine, and it would give him more time to look for work, and hopefully work. We went over a budget possibility and while we were not in total agreement with all of the numbers we are at least in the same ballpark. Until he gets a job we are going to have to pay for all of his expenses (rent, food, cigarettes, transportation) and then will probably still have to help him out when he does find work. However, even if we have to pay the whole thing for awhile it will still be alot cheaper than him staying where he currently is ($200 a day now compared to $150 a week rent plus living expenses).
Everything went well until he asked for his laptop and a TV. We told him not yet. He was not happy. Our rationale is that we don't want him segregating himself in his room at the house. The house has a big-screen TV in the living room and a computer in the den for everyone to use. He wants the laptop for his music, and so he can start recording again. We told him he WILL get it, but not until he settles in at the house, can prove to us that he can lead a sober life, and finds a job. He was not happy, but eventually accepted out decision.
After the session with his counselor we went out to dinner and then instead of going to the family session went to one of the NA/CA meetings he goes to. This was excellent for us because it gave us a chance to meet some of the people that are in his support network....the people that he sees at the meetings most nights. While we did not learn anything new at the meeting, we did see how well some people are doing in their recovery (which gives us hope for our son's continued success in his recovery) and it reminded us that more people should do what we did. People who do not have a family member in recovery truly do not understand the disease of addiction. If they were to go to some of these meetings that would see that these recovering addicts are normal people, just like everyone else.
That's all for now. We help him move on Friday night, and then our anxiety level will increase because he will be on his own, which of course he had to get to eventually.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
A Marathon, not a sprint
The title of this says it all. Patience please. This is not all going to be decided and get great all at once. Baby steps as they say.
Very up and down week last week. On Wed we received a call from our son that his ride fell through at the last minute and he needed a ride to an interview at an Oxford House nearby. Oxford Houses are sober houses in which people (usually all of one sex and various ages) live in a house together and they are all committed to living a clean and drug/alcohol free lifestyle. This is the next step for our son as he transitions to life in the real world. He had no other way of getting there, and we didn't want him to lose the spot so I drove down and took him. However, 15 minutes after I dropped him off he called because he found out that the people in the house gave the room to someone else and forgot to call him. This was very fustrating to him because he thinks he is just going to make a call, go for a visit, and like magic he will have a new place to live. So, I had a nice 2 1/2 hour excursion, between driving down, getting him, driving him to the meeting, back to his house, and then home. All for nothing. It may be a good thing though. Even though the house was right near a train station, our son has heard that people are using there and he told us he does not want to put himself in that situation.
On Friday we had our usual family session with the other families. It went well and we had a chance to talk to our son about being persistent, making the calls, and doing the work to get into one of the various houses within 30 minutes of where he is now. He has to do the work, not us. He told us he has some tentative meetings set up this week, so we have to wait and see how that goes. We reminded him that this is HIS work and that if he wants to leave and move to the next part of his recovery that it is up to him to make the arrangements. We took our younger son to the session this week, and he got alot out of it, and it was good for the boys to see each other (even though they have seen alot of each other recently due to our off-site visits). We wanted our younger son to see that there is no mystery or secrets about these sessions, and that there are ALOT of other families in the same situation as us.
On Monday (two days ago) we had his final court date scheduled for his 'sentencing'.....probation. We drove down to pick him up, drove to Newark, and waited with everyone else, only to be told at 9:30 that the judge was not coming in and that all of the cases would be re-scheduled. So....we drove him back down south, then we went home again. A five hour excursion for nothing. Of course, it gave us a chance to spend time with our son and re-emphasize the message that if he wants to get out soon, he has to make the arrangements.
Our anxiety is high right now, and I have to remember that this is a marathon and not a sprint. I have to remember that this is his life and his problems and all we can do (and should do so we don't enable him) is offer advice and our opinions. Life is not easy for an addict, and once you as a parent make it easier for them, they will let you do all the work. I also need to keep reminding myself that I cannot fix all of his problems. As a parent with a child in need this is very hard to do, and probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. As a parent you want to step forward and help them, but this is the worst thing you can do for them. The parent of an addict in trouble needs to step BACK, as this is the only way they will learn from their mistakes.
Stay tuned.
Very up and down week last week. On Wed we received a call from our son that his ride fell through at the last minute and he needed a ride to an interview at an Oxford House nearby. Oxford Houses are sober houses in which people (usually all of one sex and various ages) live in a house together and they are all committed to living a clean and drug/alcohol free lifestyle. This is the next step for our son as he transitions to life in the real world. He had no other way of getting there, and we didn't want him to lose the spot so I drove down and took him. However, 15 minutes after I dropped him off he called because he found out that the people in the house gave the room to someone else and forgot to call him. This was very fustrating to him because he thinks he is just going to make a call, go for a visit, and like magic he will have a new place to live. So, I had a nice 2 1/2 hour excursion, between driving down, getting him, driving him to the meeting, back to his house, and then home. All for nothing. It may be a good thing though. Even though the house was right near a train station, our son has heard that people are using there and he told us he does not want to put himself in that situation.
On Friday we had our usual family session with the other families. It went well and we had a chance to talk to our son about being persistent, making the calls, and doing the work to get into one of the various houses within 30 minutes of where he is now. He has to do the work, not us. He told us he has some tentative meetings set up this week, so we have to wait and see how that goes. We reminded him that this is HIS work and that if he wants to leave and move to the next part of his recovery that it is up to him to make the arrangements. We took our younger son to the session this week, and he got alot out of it, and it was good for the boys to see each other (even though they have seen alot of each other recently due to our off-site visits). We wanted our younger son to see that there is no mystery or secrets about these sessions, and that there are ALOT of other families in the same situation as us.
On Monday (two days ago) we had his final court date scheduled for his 'sentencing'.....probation. We drove down to pick him up, drove to Newark, and waited with everyone else, only to be told at 9:30 that the judge was not coming in and that all of the cases would be re-scheduled. So....we drove him back down south, then we went home again. A five hour excursion for nothing. Of course, it gave us a chance to spend time with our son and re-emphasize the message that if he wants to get out soon, he has to make the arrangements.
Our anxiety is high right now, and I have to remember that this is a marathon and not a sprint. I have to remember that this is his life and his problems and all we can do (and should do so we don't enable him) is offer advice and our opinions. Life is not easy for an addict, and once you as a parent make it easier for them, they will let you do all the work. I also need to keep reminding myself that I cannot fix all of his problems. As a parent with a child in need this is very hard to do, and probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. As a parent you want to step forward and help them, but this is the worst thing you can do for them. The parent of an addict in trouble needs to step BACK, as this is the only way they will learn from their mistakes.
Stay tuned.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Earning and learning
Just a short update.
We did not see our son at the Friday night family session. We had other plans, which is healthy for us as a family. We are learning that these visits are healthy for us and our son, and if he continues to do the hard work to beat his addiction he will earn more of them, and he will learn that good things come to those who work hard.
We did go see him on Saturday for the day. He earned an 8 hour offsite so we picked him up, did some drive bys of some sober houses that he may move into next. After that we took a drive down to LBI for the afternoon, had lunch at one of our favorite restaurants, walked on the beach a bit, did some shopping (great sales right now down there) and before we knew it the day had passed and we had to get him back, but not before stopping for some great pizza.
All in all it was a good day. We got a chance to act like a normal family and we were able to have some frank discussions about his addiction, his future, and how much he has grown. We truly believe he wants to do better, that he wants to kick this and is committed to working hard to do so. Only time will tell because he will always have that monkey on his shoulder, urging him to use. We just hope he has the tools to continue moving forward.
Next steps for him are to arrange interviews at some of the nearby sober houses, and figure out the logistics of getting there and back, and how he will get to his meetings, out-patient, and work once he moves. This work is ALL on him because if we did it for him he will learn nothing, and his disease would get the message and mommy and daddy will make things easy for him. He has to EARN his move out of the treatment facility and into a sober house, and his has to earn it by doing the work himself.
We did not see our son at the Friday night family session. We had other plans, which is healthy for us as a family. We are learning that these visits are healthy for us and our son, and if he continues to do the hard work to beat his addiction he will earn more of them, and he will learn that good things come to those who work hard.
We did go see him on Saturday for the day. He earned an 8 hour offsite so we picked him up, did some drive bys of some sober houses that he may move into next. After that we took a drive down to LBI for the afternoon, had lunch at one of our favorite restaurants, walked on the beach a bit, did some shopping (great sales right now down there) and before we knew it the day had passed and we had to get him back, but not before stopping for some great pizza.
All in all it was a good day. We got a chance to act like a normal family and we were able to have some frank discussions about his addiction, his future, and how much he has grown. We truly believe he wants to do better, that he wants to kick this and is committed to working hard to do so. Only time will tell because he will always have that monkey on his shoulder, urging him to use. We just hope he has the tools to continue moving forward.
Next steps for him are to arrange interviews at some of the nearby sober houses, and figure out the logistics of getting there and back, and how he will get to his meetings, out-patient, and work once he moves. This work is ALL on him because if we did it for him he will learn nothing, and his disease would get the message and mommy and daddy will make things easy for him. He has to EARN his move out of the treatment facility and into a sober house, and his has to earn it by doing the work himself.
Monday, October 5, 2009
It works if you work it so work it you're worth it
Words that are so profound, so simple, but if you really pay attention to them they mean so much. They are actually part of a slightly longer statement that goes like this:
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it, you're worth it!"
At the end of our meetings with the family/client group where our son is, and at the end of our meeting with our parent support group that my wife and I go to, AND at the end of every AA, NA, CA, etc meeting these simple words are said, and for many people they are the most important words they can see that day. Wherever people are that say these words at the end of their meeting, they join their hands together in a fellowship that I have rarely seem before and say the words like they are the last words they will ever say. If you follow those words, if you can believe in those words, then you (whether or not you are an addict or a co-dependent family member) will have the strength to live each day and you will be able to face the horrible challenges that the disease of addiction puts on you. I know, because I am beginning to see how believing in these words have helped my family, and most imporantly, my son.
We saw our son twice this past weekend. On Friday we went down to the treatment center to meet with him and his counselor to begin planning his exit strategy. The meeting went very well and we were very impressed with his dedication to keeping himself in his recovery group, staying in the area to be with his recovery network, and doing the work necessary for him to move into a sober house. His counselor told us that he is participating alot in group sessions, has become a mentor to others, and is making the right choices with who he hangs around with outside of the formal sessions. This disease is all about choices, and making the correct ones is very important. My wife is finally feeling that he is truly turning the corner, that there is hope and that there is a chance that he will succeed with his recovery. We are sure that life will throw him curves, but as long as he lives but the words written above, and knows how to handle problems without resorting to drugs, then he will succeed. More importantly, if he DOES have a slip, he knows what he has to do to make sure it does not happen again. Overall, it was a good meeting, and then a very strong family session in the evening with the other families. Keep coming back, over and over, because that is the only way we will all get better.
On Saturday we went down again, this time with my mom and step-father (who have NOT seen our son since he went away). We picked him up and took him out to lunch (with our younger son as well). It was a very good visit and they were very impressed by how well our son is doing, and how far he has come since he has been in the treatment program. This was the first time the six of us have all been together in months, and while it was an emotional day, it was a good day, not only for our son's grand-parents, but for my wife and I was well. Our family is starting to come back together again, and there is nothing wrong with that at all. The boys had a nice visit as well, with our sons having a chance to talk about some things on their own.
It works if you work it..... keep coming back..... you're worth it... Recovery is not easy, but I am starting to believe that the harder you work at this the greater your chances of success. I hope that we (my family) is one of the lucky success stories. Only time will tell. We all still have a long road in our recovery, and the path is still open. That is all I can ask for.
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it, you're worth it!"
At the end of our meetings with the family/client group where our son is, and at the end of our meeting with our parent support group that my wife and I go to, AND at the end of every AA, NA, CA, etc meeting these simple words are said, and for many people they are the most important words they can see that day. Wherever people are that say these words at the end of their meeting, they join their hands together in a fellowship that I have rarely seem before and say the words like they are the last words they will ever say. If you follow those words, if you can believe in those words, then you (whether or not you are an addict or a co-dependent family member) will have the strength to live each day and you will be able to face the horrible challenges that the disease of addiction puts on you. I know, because I am beginning to see how believing in these words have helped my family, and most imporantly, my son.
We saw our son twice this past weekend. On Friday we went down to the treatment center to meet with him and his counselor to begin planning his exit strategy. The meeting went very well and we were very impressed with his dedication to keeping himself in his recovery group, staying in the area to be with his recovery network, and doing the work necessary for him to move into a sober house. His counselor told us that he is participating alot in group sessions, has become a mentor to others, and is making the right choices with who he hangs around with outside of the formal sessions. This disease is all about choices, and making the correct ones is very important. My wife is finally feeling that he is truly turning the corner, that there is hope and that there is a chance that he will succeed with his recovery. We are sure that life will throw him curves, but as long as he lives but the words written above, and knows how to handle problems without resorting to drugs, then he will succeed. More importantly, if he DOES have a slip, he knows what he has to do to make sure it does not happen again. Overall, it was a good meeting, and then a very strong family session in the evening with the other families. Keep coming back, over and over, because that is the only way we will all get better.
On Saturday we went down again, this time with my mom and step-father (who have NOT seen our son since he went away). We picked him up and took him out to lunch (with our younger son as well). It was a very good visit and they were very impressed by how well our son is doing, and how far he has come since he has been in the treatment program. This was the first time the six of us have all been together in months, and while it was an emotional day, it was a good day, not only for our son's grand-parents, but for my wife and I was well. Our family is starting to come back together again, and there is nothing wrong with that at all. The boys had a nice visit as well, with our sons having a chance to talk about some things on their own.
It works if you work it..... keep coming back..... you're worth it... Recovery is not easy, but I am starting to believe that the harder you work at this the greater your chances of success. I hope that we (my family) is one of the lucky success stories. Only time will tell. We all still have a long road in our recovery, and the path is still open. That is all I can ask for.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Moving towards the next phase......
Wow. Another two week period without a post. I guess that is a good thing. Actually, there was really nothing to say because until this past Friday we hadn't seen our son since the probation dept meeting (just me) and the 24 hours from hell (both of us).
We went down to visit him and attend the family session last Friday night. I was doing rather well most of the week until about 2pm on Friday when I realized the addiction was right in front of me again. It was nice not having to deal with it for a few weeks. Even though his disease is always a part of our life, not having it right in front of us was a nice change. My wife and I talked about it and think this is a good thing, that having the disease swing back and forth into our life means that it is either getting easier to deal with or we are able to push it (and keep it) aside for longer periods of time.
Anyway....the family session was good, and our son seems to be making greater strides in his recovery. We talked a bit and he told us (in a very good manner) that he feels he is done there, and ready to move on to the next step (which will be a sober house down in the area where he is). We have been feeling this for awhile, and when I spoke with one of his counselors on the side on Friday night she said the same thing. Our son has been there for 17 weeks now (I don't even want to THINK about how much this has cost us) and eventually he has to move on, move away from the nice, safe, sheltered environment that he is in and live out in the real world. Fortunately, he knows that moving back home is not the best idea for him (for the near future) and that he needs to stay in the area where he is because that is where is support network is. I know that our anxiety level will increase when he moves out, but he has to do this eventually. We just hope he has developed the necessary tools to lead a drug-free life, that he rely's on his support network, and that we can cope with whatever issues may come our way.
Our next steps are fairly easy right now. We are meeting with him and his counselor on Friday night before the next family session, where we will discuss his progress and his next steps, come up with a time line (nothing can occur until after the Oct 19 sentencing anyway), and make sure that he is converting and not being compliant.
On Saturday we are going down to see him again, this time with my mom and step-father, who have not seen him since Mothers day. We are going to take him out to lunch, and it should be an emotional get-together, but a good one.
In the meantime, we are still going to our parent support group one night a week and that is helping us alot.
I will post after our Friday night and Saturday afternoon visits. Stay tuned.
We went down to visit him and attend the family session last Friday night. I was doing rather well most of the week until about 2pm on Friday when I realized the addiction was right in front of me again. It was nice not having to deal with it for a few weeks. Even though his disease is always a part of our life, not having it right in front of us was a nice change. My wife and I talked about it and think this is a good thing, that having the disease swing back and forth into our life means that it is either getting easier to deal with or we are able to push it (and keep it) aside for longer periods of time.
Anyway....the family session was good, and our son seems to be making greater strides in his recovery. We talked a bit and he told us (in a very good manner) that he feels he is done there, and ready to move on to the next step (which will be a sober house down in the area where he is). We have been feeling this for awhile, and when I spoke with one of his counselors on the side on Friday night she said the same thing. Our son has been there for 17 weeks now (I don't even want to THINK about how much this has cost us) and eventually he has to move on, move away from the nice, safe, sheltered environment that he is in and live out in the real world. Fortunately, he knows that moving back home is not the best idea for him (for the near future) and that he needs to stay in the area where he is because that is where is support network is. I know that our anxiety level will increase when he moves out, but he has to do this eventually. We just hope he has developed the necessary tools to lead a drug-free life, that he rely's on his support network, and that we can cope with whatever issues may come our way.
Our next steps are fairly easy right now. We are meeting with him and his counselor on Friday night before the next family session, where we will discuss his progress and his next steps, come up with a time line (nothing can occur until after the Oct 19 sentencing anyway), and make sure that he is converting and not being compliant.
On Saturday we are going down to see him again, this time with my mom and step-father, who have not seen him since Mothers day. We are going to take him out to lunch, and it should be an emotional get-together, but a good one.
In the meantime, we are still going to our parent support group one night a week and that is helping us alot.
I will post after our Friday night and Saturday afternoon visits. Stay tuned.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Highs, lows, and everything in between
I realize I haven't posted in over two weeks. It's been a whirlwind of a two week period, with lots of highs, lows, and everything in between. I'll try to be brief.
Before I start I would like to preface that if you don't know this, know this now:
1. Addiction is a family disease. The addict and their disease effects their entire family. Even though our son is not living with us now, and quite possibly may never again, his addiction has a sneaky way of disrupting our lives without warning and effecting almost everything we do.
2. Never be complacent and comfortable living with this family disease. Just when you think things are going great and your family member is finally 'getting it' or 'on their way', this disease can cut you off at your knees and blow you out of the water when you least expect it.
Ok...so the events of the last two weeks or so.
8/28 - Met with our son and his primary counselor before the Friday night family session. Went over how he is doing, how the job search is going, and what the plan is for the next two months (ie eventually leaving the treatment center and moving to a sober house). It was a great meeting, we talked about alot of things that we can do for him, he can do for us, etc, and it seems he is finally 'getting it' or has 'turned the corner'. We were allowed to take him out for a quick bite for dinner when we were finished as we had some time before the family session.
8/31 - Court date. Our son accepted the prosecutor's deal after much discussion/negotiation. Most of his charges were dropped and he had to plead guilty to a third degree posession charge. This will result in no jail time (thank god!) but he will be on probation for an extended period of time (to be determined at sentencing in October). The judge told him that this is his last chance, and that if he has any probation violation he will be put in jail (just shoot me if that happens). It was a very emotional day for us as we were hoping for a 'hail mary' pass that an agreement for a conditional discharge could be worked out, but that was not the case. This is serious stuff and I am hoping our son knows this.
9/2 - 9/3 - 24 hours of hell. Seriously. To make a real long story short we received a call on 9/2 at 5:30 pm to pick up our son because he was being told to leave the program for a behavioral issue. Seems they are having alot of problems in his house with the managers and keeping some of the clients from 'mis-behaving' and they punished the entire house for the actions of a few (not our son), but our son had an issue with it and his own actions prompted the administration to want him to leave. So....we literally dropped everything we were doing, drove 90 minutes down to the treatment center, and after a two hour meeting of arguing with the admin staff and threatening to call a lawyer and file a complaint through the insurance company they finally agreed that we all need to sleep on their decision (the counselors agreed that kicking him out was not the right response). So, they asked us to stay in the area and for our son to fax over a letter that night to them explaining why he did what he did, how it was wrong for his addicition, and what he learned from the mistake, and if he did so they would consider letting him back in the program. They were having alot of problems in his house, and I understand that it sets a bad example to have him go right back there after they kicked him out. So, we left, went to a hotel, had some dinner, he wrote and faxed a letter over, and the four of us (our younger son went with us...family vacation!) watched a movie in the room before passing out.
The next day we slept late waiting for them to call, got some lunch, and finally they called around 2 saying he COULD come back but that he would have to start over at the more restrictive house so they could 1) get their act together at the house he was at, and 2) work with him on his impulsivity issues so that he doesn't act out again like he did. So, we ran a few errands and then drove him back and they re-admitted him. All of his counselors came up to us and him saying they really fought hard to get him back in the program because he has made so much progress and needs to continue. They feel he will move up quickly and in a few weeks be able to move back to the house he was in.....which will also give them the time to get their act together there.
This taught us a few things.....1) This disease can sneak up on you at any time!! and 2) We need to make sure we have a plan in place and numbers to call (for him to call) if this ever happens again and when he is ready to move on to a sober house or a halfway house type of living that is not supervised. We have realized that we are not ready for him to come home because that is not in his best interest, or the best interest of our family right now.....as hard as that is to say, it really is the truth. Just one night with our son in a hotel room, worrying about when he was going to take his medication, and having to sleep with all of his medication under our pillow was enough to bring back all of the bad memories of earlier this year.
9/9 - Drove down to pick up our son, and take him to Newark for an interview with the probation department. This was actually a good morning (he had a 9:30 appt) and I had him back at the treatment center by around 11. This was the first day the two of us had been alone (without my wife) since he left in May for treatment. I was a little nervous, but we actually had some good conversations about what happened the week before, how is able to help some of the newer people in his house (since he had been there before he is way past where some of the new people are in terms of recovery) and we had some very frank discussions about his past drug use. My jaw dropped a few times and I said to myself (and to him) that he is very lucky to be alive right now after everything he has done to his body due to his addiction. He really pulled one over on us for over a year and it wasn't until last year that his drug use started to really increase and effect his life in adverse ways (ie mental health issues, school issues, lack of interest in music, etc). He told me that if he didn't have his two overdoses in February that the amount of drugs he was taking would have kept on increasing. If that had happened I think we would have lost him for good.
That's it for now. We actually won't see him again until Sept 25, which is good. The family sessions for the house he is in are on Monday nights, and we would be bored with them because it is something we have been through before. If all goes, well, he will be moved back to the other house around 9/21 or so, which will make him eligible to attend the session on 9/25. It will be nice having a few week break and not having to go down there, but of course we will miss him. However, he is where he needs to be, is paying the consequence for his impulsive actions, and we hope/pray/etc that he has learned that he HAS to follow the rules and continue his treatment, otherwise we cannot do a thing for him.
Before I start I would like to preface that if you don't know this, know this now:
1. Addiction is a family disease. The addict and their disease effects their entire family. Even though our son is not living with us now, and quite possibly may never again, his addiction has a sneaky way of disrupting our lives without warning and effecting almost everything we do.
2. Never be complacent and comfortable living with this family disease. Just when you think things are going great and your family member is finally 'getting it' or 'on their way', this disease can cut you off at your knees and blow you out of the water when you least expect it.
Ok...so the events of the last two weeks or so.
8/28 - Met with our son and his primary counselor before the Friday night family session. Went over how he is doing, how the job search is going, and what the plan is for the next two months (ie eventually leaving the treatment center and moving to a sober house). It was a great meeting, we talked about alot of things that we can do for him, he can do for us, etc, and it seems he is finally 'getting it' or has 'turned the corner'. We were allowed to take him out for a quick bite for dinner when we were finished as we had some time before the family session.
8/31 - Court date. Our son accepted the prosecutor's deal after much discussion/negotiation. Most of his charges were dropped and he had to plead guilty to a third degree posession charge. This will result in no jail time (thank god!) but he will be on probation for an extended period of time (to be determined at sentencing in October). The judge told him that this is his last chance, and that if he has any probation violation he will be put in jail (just shoot me if that happens). It was a very emotional day for us as we were hoping for a 'hail mary' pass that an agreement for a conditional discharge could be worked out, but that was not the case. This is serious stuff and I am hoping our son knows this.
9/2 - 9/3 - 24 hours of hell. Seriously. To make a real long story short we received a call on 9/2 at 5:30 pm to pick up our son because he was being told to leave the program for a behavioral issue. Seems they are having alot of problems in his house with the managers and keeping some of the clients from 'mis-behaving' and they punished the entire house for the actions of a few (not our son), but our son had an issue with it and his own actions prompted the administration to want him to leave. So....we literally dropped everything we were doing, drove 90 minutes down to the treatment center, and after a two hour meeting of arguing with the admin staff and threatening to call a lawyer and file a complaint through the insurance company they finally agreed that we all need to sleep on their decision (the counselors agreed that kicking him out was not the right response). So, they asked us to stay in the area and for our son to fax over a letter that night to them explaining why he did what he did, how it was wrong for his addicition, and what he learned from the mistake, and if he did so they would consider letting him back in the program. They were having alot of problems in his house, and I understand that it sets a bad example to have him go right back there after they kicked him out. So, we left, went to a hotel, had some dinner, he wrote and faxed a letter over, and the four of us (our younger son went with us...family vacation!) watched a movie in the room before passing out.
The next day we slept late waiting for them to call, got some lunch, and finally they called around 2 saying he COULD come back but that he would have to start over at the more restrictive house so they could 1) get their act together at the house he was at, and 2) work with him on his impulsivity issues so that he doesn't act out again like he did. So, we ran a few errands and then drove him back and they re-admitted him. All of his counselors came up to us and him saying they really fought hard to get him back in the program because he has made so much progress and needs to continue. They feel he will move up quickly and in a few weeks be able to move back to the house he was in.....which will also give them the time to get their act together there.
This taught us a few things.....1) This disease can sneak up on you at any time!! and 2) We need to make sure we have a plan in place and numbers to call (for him to call) if this ever happens again and when he is ready to move on to a sober house or a halfway house type of living that is not supervised. We have realized that we are not ready for him to come home because that is not in his best interest, or the best interest of our family right now.....as hard as that is to say, it really is the truth. Just one night with our son in a hotel room, worrying about when he was going to take his medication, and having to sleep with all of his medication under our pillow was enough to bring back all of the bad memories of earlier this year.
9/9 - Drove down to pick up our son, and take him to Newark for an interview with the probation department. This was actually a good morning (he had a 9:30 appt) and I had him back at the treatment center by around 11. This was the first day the two of us had been alone (without my wife) since he left in May for treatment. I was a little nervous, but we actually had some good conversations about what happened the week before, how is able to help some of the newer people in his house (since he had been there before he is way past where some of the new people are in terms of recovery) and we had some very frank discussions about his past drug use. My jaw dropped a few times and I said to myself (and to him) that he is very lucky to be alive right now after everything he has done to his body due to his addiction. He really pulled one over on us for over a year and it wasn't until last year that his drug use started to really increase and effect his life in adverse ways (ie mental health issues, school issues, lack of interest in music, etc). He told me that if he didn't have his two overdoses in February that the amount of drugs he was taking would have kept on increasing. If that had happened I think we would have lost him for good.
That's it for now. We actually won't see him again until Sept 25, which is good. The family sessions for the house he is in are on Monday nights, and we would be bored with them because it is something we have been through before. If all goes, well, he will be moved back to the other house around 9/21 or so, which will make him eligible to attend the session on 9/25. It will be nice having a few week break and not having to go down there, but of course we will miss him. However, he is where he needs to be, is paying the consequence for his impulsive actions, and we hope/pray/etc that he has learned that he HAS to follow the rules and continue his treatment, otherwise we cannot do a thing for him.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Busy and emotional weekend
Very busy weekend with our son's addiction. Very emotional as well.
Friday night was my first Therapist appt. Went well. The therapist and I 'clicked' which is good. I am hoping he can help me heal. I will be seeing him once a week and he wants to concentrate not on my son and his addicition, but on me and how I can get myself better. This is exactly what I need.
We did not go to the family session on Friday night because on Saturday we took our son out for four hours. He earned a four-hour offsite. My brother and his partner, and our younger son went with us. Took him to lunch and then went to play some mini-golf. Aftewards we went back to his house and our son's had a bit of a heart to heart on the front porch, which they both desperately needed. It was a good visit, which we heard almost had to be cancelled because our son got caught smoking when he shouldn't have and initially had his offsite cancelled. He wrote his house manager an apology letter and grovelled and his offsite was restored. I think if we had found out about the violation we would have cancelled it ourselves, to teach him a lesson. He needs to follow the rules in life, no matter how unfair they may seem.
Yesterday, Sunday, I finally got around to dismantling the L shaped desk and hutch in his room so we can throw it away. I had a very difficult time emotionally doing this because I remember being the one who spent 8 hours putting the darn thing together about 6 years ago. Plus, I had to spend alot of time in his room, which is still very difficult for me. However, we have to totally change his room so if he ever does come home it does not act like a trigger. I struggled through the process and got it done, but not without alot of tears. I did not sleep well last night (only got about 3 hours sleep) and I have to believe that my mind was still reeling from having to do what I did earlier in the day. Perhaps this is something I will bring up with my therapist on Wed night.
That's it for now. We will see our son again on Friday night for the next family session, and then of course a week from today (8/31) is his next court appearance.
Friday night was my first Therapist appt. Went well. The therapist and I 'clicked' which is good. I am hoping he can help me heal. I will be seeing him once a week and he wants to concentrate not on my son and his addicition, but on me and how I can get myself better. This is exactly what I need.
We did not go to the family session on Friday night because on Saturday we took our son out for four hours. He earned a four-hour offsite. My brother and his partner, and our younger son went with us. Took him to lunch and then went to play some mini-golf. Aftewards we went back to his house and our son's had a bit of a heart to heart on the front porch, which they both desperately needed. It was a good visit, which we heard almost had to be cancelled because our son got caught smoking when he shouldn't have and initially had his offsite cancelled. He wrote his house manager an apology letter and grovelled and his offsite was restored. I think if we had found out about the violation we would have cancelled it ourselves, to teach him a lesson. He needs to follow the rules in life, no matter how unfair they may seem.
Yesterday, Sunday, I finally got around to dismantling the L shaped desk and hutch in his room so we can throw it away. I had a very difficult time emotionally doing this because I remember being the one who spent 8 hours putting the darn thing together about 6 years ago. Plus, I had to spend alot of time in his room, which is still very difficult for me. However, we have to totally change his room so if he ever does come home it does not act like a trigger. I struggled through the process and got it done, but not without alot of tears. I did not sleep well last night (only got about 3 hours sleep) and I have to believe that my mind was still reeling from having to do what I did earlier in the day. Perhaps this is something I will bring up with my therapist on Wed night.
That's it for now. We will see our son again on Friday night for the next family session, and then of course a week from today (8/31) is his next court appearance.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Recovery on many fronts
Just a quick update.
Visited our son on Friday night....usual Friday night visit. His best friend took the trip down with us. He was very nervous going down, and confided in us that he was afraid that our son was being 'brainwashed' and he wouldn't be the same. Needless to say, he was very surprised that our son was not only the same, but back to being the way he was before the drugs took over his life. All in all it was a good visit. He has earned a 4 hour offsite for this coming weekend, and if we can swing it we are going to go visit him, take him out to lunch and go play some min-golf somewhere.....and try to act like a real family for a change.
Our son gave us a letter to give to our younger son, asking us not to read it. We gave the letter to our younger son on Sunday night and it opened up his emotional floodgates a bit. He REALLY misses his brother, more than we ever realized. My wife and I had to stop doing what we were doing around the house and spend some time calming him down because he was so upset. We are very glad he is seeing a psychologist himself once a month because he really needs a neutral person to listen to how he is feeling. We have to remember, that even though he is only 13 that this is very hard on him as well.
On a personal front, last week I finally made the call to see a therapist. I have discovered that as our son is doing better, I am doing worse. I find that my emotions range from normal to depression, feeling anxious, and sometimes non-functional......sometimes in the span of minutes or hours. All of the emotion, anger, and fear that naturally comes when your child has an addicition issue, problems with the law, and is in rehab is natural. However, I have been bottling it up for so long that it is slowly leaking out, which is having profound adverse effects on my emotional well-being. On Monday (yesterday) I had my intake interview with the head of the psychological association I am going to use and he will see which one of the doctors in his group will be the best fit for me. I need to get better. I cannot continue to live life not knowing what is going to trigger me into feeling so down, because when I get that way I am no good for my family, our older son as he gets better, and most of all to myself.
This is a horrible disease, that has intense fingers in more places than you can imagine. I have come to admit that I cannot do this alone anymore, that I cannot keep these emotions in check (under lock and key), and that I need some help. Stay tuned....this could get interesting.
Visited our son on Friday night....usual Friday night visit. His best friend took the trip down with us. He was very nervous going down, and confided in us that he was afraid that our son was being 'brainwashed' and he wouldn't be the same. Needless to say, he was very surprised that our son was not only the same, but back to being the way he was before the drugs took over his life. All in all it was a good visit. He has earned a 4 hour offsite for this coming weekend, and if we can swing it we are going to go visit him, take him out to lunch and go play some min-golf somewhere.....and try to act like a real family for a change.
Our son gave us a letter to give to our younger son, asking us not to read it. We gave the letter to our younger son on Sunday night and it opened up his emotional floodgates a bit. He REALLY misses his brother, more than we ever realized. My wife and I had to stop doing what we were doing around the house and spend some time calming him down because he was so upset. We are very glad he is seeing a psychologist himself once a month because he really needs a neutral person to listen to how he is feeling. We have to remember, that even though he is only 13 that this is very hard on him as well.
On a personal front, last week I finally made the call to see a therapist. I have discovered that as our son is doing better, I am doing worse. I find that my emotions range from normal to depression, feeling anxious, and sometimes non-functional......sometimes in the span of minutes or hours. All of the emotion, anger, and fear that naturally comes when your child has an addicition issue, problems with the law, and is in rehab is natural. However, I have been bottling it up for so long that it is slowly leaking out, which is having profound adverse effects on my emotional well-being. On Monday (yesterday) I had my intake interview with the head of the psychological association I am going to use and he will see which one of the doctors in his group will be the best fit for me. I need to get better. I cannot continue to live life not knowing what is going to trigger me into feeling so down, because when I get that way I am no good for my family, our older son as he gets better, and most of all to myself.
This is a horrible disease, that has intense fingers in more places than you can imagine. I have come to admit that I cannot do this alone anymore, that I cannot keep these emotions in check (under lock and key), and that I need some help. Stay tuned....this could get interesting.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Lots of visits over the last few days
We saw our son three times over the last four days, and while today was the most serious of the times, our conversations have begun to lead us to believe that he is getting this, that he understands the severity of his disease and the consequences of taking his foot off of the pedal.
On Friday night went down for our usual Friday night family session. My father and step-mother accompanied us......this was the first time they had seen our son since the beginning of May. It was an emotional visit and I believe they got alot out of the group session. Our son participated and contributed even more on Friday night....an indication (we hope) that his sharing of his experiences is helping him come to grips with everything he has done.
On Saturday we went down AGAIN in the afternoon. Our son had earned another family visit at his house. We went down with our younger son and my wife's mother, who also has not seen her grandson since May. It was again very emotional. We had a good visit talking with our son. The highlight of the day was finally meeting his sponsor (who was down at the house leading a group session). We liked this man, ALOT. He is helping our son work the 12 steps and is really pushing him hard to get all the work accomplished. This is a lifelong commitment and we are encouraged that he realizes this.
Today we went down again to pick him up at 7am. He had a court appearance at 9 in Newark. This was a plea conference and the prosecutor offerred a very good deal that our son will probably take (it will entail NO jail time...our biggest goal). We had some lunch afterwards and then drove him back to his house. During lunch and the drive to and from court we had some good conversations about his recovery, his plans for looking for a job as soon as he is given permission to do so by the recovery center, and his commitment to keep clean and away from the people, places, and things that could lead to a potential relapse. When we got him back to his house everyone had just returned for lunch and their afternoon sessions, and they were all happy to see Matt and encouraged by his news......and he was happy to see them, which gave us comfort that he is happy there and working the program.
Are we starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel? I am not sure, but his attitidue and his actions are starting to make us feel that this is a good possibility.
Fingers and toes crossed......
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Getting better and group power
Much better group family session this past Friday night. Our son was in a much better place mentally and really participated in some of the group discussions. He admitted, in one of the discussions, how much he lied to his brother about not using earlier this year. Perhaps we are starting to see the first signs that he is being honest with himself and admitting to himself that this problem is something that only he can control and fix. He still has a long way to go, and he knows it. Right now he has to keep believing he will get better. Of course, his (and our) anxiety level is high due to the upcoming court appearance(s). Once we can get through those (please god, no jail time) in relatively one piece we thing the real healing will begin.
The power of the group is unbelievable. I have said this before and will say it again. The only people who truly can understand what we are going through are those in the room with us on Friday night, the people in the room with us at our support group on Tuesday nights, and the millions of others in similar rooms in countless other places. We say and hear things, and do things, and cry, and laugh, and hug, and support each other, and are all there for each other in such a way that is almost without peer. These other family members ARE our support group, and without these total strangers I am not sure if we would be able to survive this disease that has put such a hole in our family's heart.
The power of the group is unbelievable. I have said this before and will say it again. The only people who truly can understand what we are going through are those in the room with us on Friday night, the people in the room with us at our support group on Tuesday nights, and the millions of others in similar rooms in countless other places. We say and hear things, and do things, and cry, and laugh, and hug, and support each other, and are all there for each other in such a way that is almost without peer. These other family members ARE our support group, and without these total strangers I am not sure if we would be able to survive this disease that has put such a hole in our family's heart.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Frustration
This past Friday night's family session was good and hard. It was for two reasons. The first, our son is clearly frustrated with the whole process and was having a bad day. It took us a while to get out of him what was bothering him and it wasn't until the end of the night that we got the whole story. On the positive side, he DID participate more in the group session and had some interesting comments to make. The second reason why it was hard was because it was an emotional night for some of the other clients, which made it a very tough room to be in for awhile. We also said goodbye to another client who had been there for awhile and we had gotten to know. We pray for his continued success.
I have left a message with the counseling supervisor to see what she can do to help our son out. His primary counselor is on vacation this week, so it was not a big deal to call the supervisor. If our son and his counselor are not connecting then we feel they should make a change. It's been 8 weeks now, and he has given it his best shot with her. And, I cannot understand why they will not give him a non-addictive ADD medication to help him concentrate in sessions....this is just like school and this may be the only way he will be able to succeed.
On a personal note, I had a bad day on Sunday. Like a drug addict, certain things act as triggers to my emotions. In the early afternoon I was at the gym and I saw two kids who graduated in the same class as our son, and then about a half hour later I heard the song Beautiful Boy by John Lennon and I lost it. Specifically, the lyrics
Close your eyes, Have No Fear.
The Monsters gone
He’s On The Run and your daddy’s here
And
Before you cross the street, take my hand…..
In our son's case, the monster is his addiction, and I CAN'T HELP HIM! I can't take his hand, help him cross the street and make everything better. I got home and my wife was in his room (we are still trying to go through everything and clean it up) and I sat there and lost it again for a good 10 minutes or more. I guess I needed a good cry, because I was a bit better afterwards, but the rest of the day and into the night I was kind of going through the motions, sitting on the couch, trying to read (and I couldn't) and I ended up just watching TV at night really not paying attention to much.
I'm better, for now.
I have left a message with the counseling supervisor to see what she can do to help our son out. His primary counselor is on vacation this week, so it was not a big deal to call the supervisor. If our son and his counselor are not connecting then we feel they should make a change. It's been 8 weeks now, and he has given it his best shot with her. And, I cannot understand why they will not give him a non-addictive ADD medication to help him concentrate in sessions....this is just like school and this may be the only way he will be able to succeed.
On a personal note, I had a bad day on Sunday. Like a drug addict, certain things act as triggers to my emotions. In the early afternoon I was at the gym and I saw two kids who graduated in the same class as our son, and then about a half hour later I heard the song Beautiful Boy by John Lennon and I lost it. Specifically, the lyrics
Close your eyes, Have No Fear.
The Monsters gone
He’s On The Run and your daddy’s here
And
Before you cross the street, take my hand…..
In our son's case, the monster is his addiction, and I CAN'T HELP HIM! I can't take his hand, help him cross the street and make everything better. I got home and my wife was in his room (we are still trying to go through everything and clean it up) and I sat there and lost it again for a good 10 minutes or more. I guess I needed a good cry, because I was a bit better afterwards, but the rest of the day and into the night I was kind of going through the motions, sitting on the couch, trying to read (and I couldn't) and I ended up just watching TV at night really not paying attention to much.
I'm better, for now.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
We met with his counselor
Ok. This update is a little late but so be it. My wife and I, plus our younger son and a friend of his were away the last 5 days DTS (that's down the shore) and had 5 wonderful perfect weather days on the beach. It was a great chance to unwind, relax, and forget about the stress our older son has placed on our family. The vacation was at times bittersweet because he was not with us, but this was tempered by knowing that #1 he is where he needs to be, and #2 at 20 years old how many more vacations would he have spent with us anyway?
Before we left, we went down to his treatment/rehab center and had a meeting with him and his primary counselor. While he IS making progress all of the counselors there feel that he is just not being totally open and honest with himself, opening up at meetings, and sometimes getting caught up with some people there that just are not taking this seriously. He says that he is taking this seriously and that he feels he is making more progress than they SEE. We tried to explain to him that he needs to be more open in meetings and let his feelings and thoughts out, otherwise the counselors there will not think he is progressing as well as he thinks he is. We think he was rather taken aback by our strategy as he probably thought my wife and I would side more with him, which we did not, and he seemed a bit miffed that we were taking the side of his counselor. We hope that this worked because he HAS to get this, he HAS to show them that he understands the seriousness of his disease and that he HAS to show them outwardly that he is an active participant in his recovery. If he doesn't, all bets are off and who knows what could happen legally.
I hate this shit with a passion. This really sucks.......
Before we left, we went down to his treatment/rehab center and had a meeting with him and his primary counselor. While he IS making progress all of the counselors there feel that he is just not being totally open and honest with himself, opening up at meetings, and sometimes getting caught up with some people there that just are not taking this seriously. He says that he is taking this seriously and that he feels he is making more progress than they SEE. We tried to explain to him that he needs to be more open in meetings and let his feelings and thoughts out, otherwise the counselors there will not think he is progressing as well as he thinks he is. We think he was rather taken aback by our strategy as he probably thought my wife and I would side more with him, which we did not, and he seemed a bit miffed that we were taking the side of his counselor. We hope that this worked because he HAS to get this, he HAS to show them that he understands the seriousness of his disease and that he HAS to show them outwardly that he is an active participant in his recovery. If he doesn't, all bets are off and who knows what could happen legally.
I hate this shit with a passion. This really sucks.......
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Status quo for now....
First post in two weeks, and I may post again tomorrow if I have time.
Our son is still in treatment and progressing. Not as fast as we would like but we know this is a long process and like a good book or wine, needs time to develop. We have had two good visits over the last two weeks during the family sessions, one of which he was not there because it was on a Thursday night and that is the night he goes out with his sponsor. However, we went anyway and like always, these sessions as sensational. We have learned so much about this horrible disease and have come to appreciate the people we are travelling down this path with, because quite frankly (and this is NOT an insult to those who are not in the same situation as we are in) the only people who truly understand what we are going through are the people we meet and talk with at the family sessions and at our parent support group.
On a negative note, our son did receive a behavioral penalty for cheeking one of his medications....saving it for another time. That is a clear violation of their rules and he could have been kicked out of the program, but was not (thankfully)....probably due to his honesty when caught and his willingness to work the program. We are meeting with his counselor tomorrow to discuss his treatment, so if I have time I will post how that meeting went.
On a sad note, tomorrow night we are leaving on a vacation down the shore, and this is the first vacation in 20 years that has not included our older son. This is getting us down a bit and even though our younger son is bringing a friend and we will have a good time, there will be a void that cannot be filled. BUT.....I know deep in my heart that we are doing the right thing and that it will hopefully lead to more vacations with him in the years to come.
Our son is still in treatment and progressing. Not as fast as we would like but we know this is a long process and like a good book or wine, needs time to develop. We have had two good visits over the last two weeks during the family sessions, one of which he was not there because it was on a Thursday night and that is the night he goes out with his sponsor. However, we went anyway and like always, these sessions as sensational. We have learned so much about this horrible disease and have come to appreciate the people we are travelling down this path with, because quite frankly (and this is NOT an insult to those who are not in the same situation as we are in) the only people who truly understand what we are going through are the people we meet and talk with at the family sessions and at our parent support group.
On a negative note, our son did receive a behavioral penalty for cheeking one of his medications....saving it for another time. That is a clear violation of their rules and he could have been kicked out of the program, but was not (thankfully)....probably due to his honesty when caught and his willingness to work the program. We are meeting with his counselor tomorrow to discuss his treatment, so if I have time I will post how that meeting went.
On a sad note, tomorrow night we are leaving on a vacation down the shore, and this is the first vacation in 20 years that has not included our older son. This is getting us down a bit and even though our younger son is bringing a friend and we will have a good time, there will be a void that cannot be filled. BUT.....I know deep in my heart that we are doing the right thing and that it will hopefully lead to more vacations with him in the years to come.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Two good visits this past weekend
Wow. I'm late in my latest entry. Not sure if this means I am doing better or worse. Time will tell.
A good weekend with regard to visiting our son in rehab.......funny, if someone would have told me even two years ago that I would be visiting my son in a rehab center for drug abuse I would have said they were crazy. He had everything going for him the summer after he graduated high school: a good car, making good money at camp and giving music lessons, great friends, his bands, his talent, etc. His current situation should prove to everyone that this can all be lost in the blink of an eye.
We saw our son twice this past weekend. We went down for the usual Friday night family session, and as usual it was excellent. My wife and I get so much out of these sessions and learn so much it is really worth the aggravation of driving down the parkway on a Friday night. We learned that there were some more relapses in the week between the sessions, including some people in our sons house that were kicked out for drinking. Our son seems to have accepted the fact that he is not coming home for quite awhile, and actually participated a little bit in the group session. I don't know if he was doing that for our benefit or if he is really starting to turn. Only time will tell. I am trying to not get over-confident because the last time I did that I got slapped in the face with our latest legal issue.
On Sunday we went back down, this time to the group house he is in for an unsupervised family visit that he earned. All of us, including the dog, were able to go see him and spend 2+ hours with him at this house. We basically just sat outside on the porch with him, his brother, and the dog just being a family again. Talking about family things and doing what a family is supposed to do....of course, in the setting of a group home for recovering addicts. We talked about alot of things, including his recovery, and he is starting to look forward to the next phase because he wants to get a job down there....he even inquired about us bringing down a bicycle for him to use so he can get to work. We brought down one of his guitars and he asked and they allowed him to keep it. As long as the guitar does not take away any time from his recovery effort it is fine.
All in all it was a good visit, and I felt it went better then expected. I was afraid that in an unsupervised setting we might get some push-back from him on staying for a long time but there was none. I was also afraid about how I was going to feel leaving him but I was fine, probably because I am starting to see some real progress. I am trying to not get over-confident but maybe he is starting to change. Only time will tell.
A good weekend with regard to visiting our son in rehab.......funny, if someone would have told me even two years ago that I would be visiting my son in a rehab center for drug abuse I would have said they were crazy. He had everything going for him the summer after he graduated high school: a good car, making good money at camp and giving music lessons, great friends, his bands, his talent, etc. His current situation should prove to everyone that this can all be lost in the blink of an eye.
We saw our son twice this past weekend. We went down for the usual Friday night family session, and as usual it was excellent. My wife and I get so much out of these sessions and learn so much it is really worth the aggravation of driving down the parkway on a Friday night. We learned that there were some more relapses in the week between the sessions, including some people in our sons house that were kicked out for drinking. Our son seems to have accepted the fact that he is not coming home for quite awhile, and actually participated a little bit in the group session. I don't know if he was doing that for our benefit or if he is really starting to turn. Only time will tell. I am trying to not get over-confident because the last time I did that I got slapped in the face with our latest legal issue.
On Sunday we went back down, this time to the group house he is in for an unsupervised family visit that he earned. All of us, including the dog, were able to go see him and spend 2+ hours with him at this house. We basically just sat outside on the porch with him, his brother, and the dog just being a family again. Talking about family things and doing what a family is supposed to do....of course, in the setting of a group home for recovering addicts. We talked about alot of things, including his recovery, and he is starting to look forward to the next phase because he wants to get a job down there....he even inquired about us bringing down a bicycle for him to use so he can get to work. We brought down one of his guitars and he asked and they allowed him to keep it. As long as the guitar does not take away any time from his recovery effort it is fine.
All in all it was a good visit, and I felt it went better then expected. I was afraid that in an unsupervised setting we might get some push-back from him on staying for a long time but there was none. I was also afraid about how I was going to feel leaving him but I was fine, probably because I am starting to see some real progress. I am trying to not get over-confident but maybe he is starting to change. Only time will tell.
Monday, June 22, 2009
There is no quick fix
I need to be patient.
I need to be patient with his recovery. This IS going to take a long time, and until a person is involved in the recovery process (whether it be themselves or a family member) they have no idea how long it can take. It is easy for someone not involved to just say "stop using drugs!!!". But, it is much more involved than that.
On Friday night we went down for another family session and to see our son. The evening started with a very interesting and informative video that outlined the different phases an addict goes through during the recovery process. For most people the process takes between 9 to 12 months, and he is only a few months into the process and currently in the stage known as 'The Wall'. We learned that many of the things we saw him going through when he first came out of detox are very normal.....trouble sleeping, depression, anxiety, minor relapses, tiredness, feelings of dispair, etc. This will lead to the honeymoon phase, which we saw, in which they feel fantastic and are totally comitted to a new life, are doing some great things, and seem to be doing well. Unfortunately, this honeymoon phase does not last long and the next phase, called 'The Wall' can last from 4 weeks to a few months in which they have great days, horrible days, and days in which they want to do nothing. This is the stage our son is in, which is why it is even more important that he is where he is.
If you want to find out more information about these stages there is information all over the place on it
This is truly a disease, and a disease of the brain. After a long period of abusing the brain with drugs, it takes almost that full year of recovery for all of the brain chemical levels to get back to normal. This is why it is so difficult, and why it is important for people to be patient with the recovery process. As a parent it is very difficult because I don't see the fast process that I would like, but I am learning that there is no quick fix for this. I need to be patient and ride this out, and pray that he is one of the 30% of the patients that are successful with this.
I need to be patient with his recovery. This IS going to take a long time, and until a person is involved in the recovery process (whether it be themselves or a family member) they have no idea how long it can take. It is easy for someone not involved to just say "stop using drugs!!!". But, it is much more involved than that.
On Friday night we went down for another family session and to see our son. The evening started with a very interesting and informative video that outlined the different phases an addict goes through during the recovery process. For most people the process takes between 9 to 12 months, and he is only a few months into the process and currently in the stage known as 'The Wall'. We learned that many of the things we saw him going through when he first came out of detox are very normal.....trouble sleeping, depression, anxiety, minor relapses, tiredness, feelings of dispair, etc. This will lead to the honeymoon phase, which we saw, in which they feel fantastic and are totally comitted to a new life, are doing some great things, and seem to be doing well. Unfortunately, this honeymoon phase does not last long and the next phase, called 'The Wall' can last from 4 weeks to a few months in which they have great days, horrible days, and days in which they want to do nothing. This is the stage our son is in, which is why it is even more important that he is where he is.
If you want to find out more information about these stages there is information all over the place on it
This is truly a disease, and a disease of the brain. After a long period of abusing the brain with drugs, it takes almost that full year of recovery for all of the brain chemical levels to get back to normal. This is why it is so difficult, and why it is important for people to be patient with the recovery process. As a parent it is very difficult because I don't see the fast process that I would like, but I am learning that there is no quick fix for this. I need to be patient and ride this out, and pray that he is one of the 30% of the patients that are successful with this.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Some quick news
Nothing really new to report, which I guess is a good thing. Some quick notes:
1. My wife was finally able to talk with our son's counselor about the long-term plan for our son. This is very much a reward type system. The better he does, the more priveledges and freedoms he gets. He has ALOT of work and self re-discovery to do. The agreed to look closer at the meds he is taking as well, as he is exhibiting some side effects that are a little upsetting.
2. I think knowing that we have a plan now for him, which of course can change depending on situations, has made me feel better this since the weekend. Last Friday's visit bothered me more than I thought, but once my wife was able to finally have a meaningful conversation with our son's counselor and some loose ends were tied up I seemed to have come back down to earth a bit.
3. My wife and I did not go to our parents support group on Tuesday night. Instead, on Wed night we went to our first Al-Anon meeting. Al-Anon is for a group for recovery for friends and family members of alcoholics. Our son is not an alcoholic but you can apply the same twelve-step principals that Al-Anon uses (like AA) to addictions, just change the word alcohol to drugs. The are Nar-Anon groups (for Narcotics) but there are no meetings close by to us. The difference between our parent support group ande Al-Anon is that the PSG helps us help our son, while Al-Anon will help us help ourselves. We need to recover as well. We heard some very sad stories last night, especially from some of the new people who were at the meeting for the first time last night. Both were women a little younger than us, one of which talked about her husband's alcohol problem and the other about her husband's cocaine problem.
That's it for now. We have our next meeting with our son tomorrow night (Friday) at a family session. I am sure I will have something more to say after that.
1. My wife was finally able to talk with our son's counselor about the long-term plan for our son. This is very much a reward type system. The better he does, the more priveledges and freedoms he gets. He has ALOT of work and self re-discovery to do. The agreed to look closer at the meds he is taking as well, as he is exhibiting some side effects that are a little upsetting.
2. I think knowing that we have a plan now for him, which of course can change depending on situations, has made me feel better this since the weekend. Last Friday's visit bothered me more than I thought, but once my wife was able to finally have a meaningful conversation with our son's counselor and some loose ends were tied up I seemed to have come back down to earth a bit.
3. My wife and I did not go to our parents support group on Tuesday night. Instead, on Wed night we went to our first Al-Anon meeting. Al-Anon is for a group for recovery for friends and family members of alcoholics. Our son is not an alcoholic but you can apply the same twelve-step principals that Al-Anon uses (like AA) to addictions, just change the word alcohol to drugs. The are Nar-Anon groups (for Narcotics) but there are no meetings close by to us. The difference between our parent support group ande Al-Anon is that the PSG helps us help our son, while Al-Anon will help us help ourselves. We need to recover as well. We heard some very sad stories last night, especially from some of the new people who were at the meeting for the first time last night. Both were women a little younger than us, one of which talked about her husband's alcohol problem and the other about her husband's cocaine problem.
That's it for now. We have our next meeting with our son tomorrow night (Friday) at a family session. I am sure I will have something more to say after that.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Our first visit to the treatment center
I have to remember a few things.
1. He is still in early recovery. No matter how much time has passed we are still in the early stages of his recovery and I cannot expect an overnight change to his attitude and the way he thinks.
2. The health care system in this country with regard to addiction and mental illness stinks. Until you are involved in this side of the system you never realize how limiting their coverage is. If our son had a serious life threatening illness most of what he needed would be covered. However, even though addictions and mental illness can kill a person just as easily, the insurance companies find more ways to limit coverage than I have ever seen. They feel that a few weeks in-patient is all a person needs, followed by out-patient coverage, no matter what the situation.
3. I need to accept #1 and #2 above as facts that cannot be changed. Yes, it is madenning that I am not seeing fast progress with out son and it drives me crazy knowing how much money I will be spending for his recovery over the next year. I need to not let it bother me and become all-consuming, no matter how hard it is.
Our visit on Friday night went as well as we could have expected. I won't go into the snafu regarding his step-down to the other house that was supposed to occur and how we almost didn't get to see him. We did enjoy the group session (the subject this week was co-dependency and how we enable) and it WAS good to see him after two weeks of him being away. However (and this is where I need to remember he is still in early recovery) I did not see a big improvement in him, the way he looked, and the way he acted. During a break we had a chance to speak to him outside and he expressed a desire to be home soon. We explained to him that he still had a long way to go and he needs to show us that he can stay clean, out of trouble, and hold down a job before we would consider him coming home, and that when he gets home he has to have a job first as I will not allow him to sit on the couch all day like he did when he returned home from Carrier. I reminded him that he has a ton of legal hurdles ahead and that the longer he stays in treatment the better his chances of remaining out of jail. Jail.....what a harsh word when you think about your son, but this is his harsh reality for not thinking about the consequences of his actions. I want him to come home more than anything (there is a huge hole in my heart without him home doing what he was supposed to be doing) but I cannot have him home the way it used to be. It HAS to be different and he is the only one that can make this happen.
Friday, June 12, 2009
One phone call can rock your world
After two weeks with our son being away and getting treatment I was finally starting to feel good about things, that we had made the right decision, and that barring tough as nails judge our plan for keeping our son out of jail (90 days treatment, followed by a half-way house, then a sober house) was going to work out fine. Unfortunately, the insurance companies of this country do not feel that addiction and mental health issues should be treated the same way as any other serious illnesses. If they did, then I wouldn't have received the call this afternoon from the treatment center with the news that the insurance company has determined (under their guidelines) that our son was 'medically cleared' and they would now only pay for his treatment but not his room and board. I told the woman that she 'rocked my world', and not in a good way.
So, in order for our son to continue receiving the best care possible to cure his addiction and mental health issues, we are now responsible for his 'room and board', at a cost of $125 per day, or to put it bluntly, $3800 a month! I was prepared to pay the $3000 a month for his half-way house 'room and board', but that is not going to happen until late July. I was not prepared to now have to spend this money and more NOW.
I know, in the grand scheme of things, what's another $7600 that we really don't have. But seriously folks, if our son had cancer and needed to stay in the hospital for an extended period of time to receive treatment he would not be treated this way by the insurance companies of this country.
So today, well later today as it is 12:30am, we are going for our first Family Session at the center. We plan on meeting with the financial folks first to figure out the best way to pay for his continued care. It will be interesting to see what comes out of these sessions today. We have not spoken to our son for two weeks now, and have only received the one letter. This is the longest time we have not seen or heard from him, so I am curious to see how this is going to go. I wonder if he has accepted, or is going to accept, the fact that he is not coming home for awhile, if ever, and that he still has alot of work to do. We need to seperate him from his addictive influences (ie bad friends) and the longer he stays away from home the better off he will be and it will increase the chances of his permanent success.
If anyone reads this, please keep our family (especially our son) in your prayers.
Thanks.
So, in order for our son to continue receiving the best care possible to cure his addiction and mental health issues, we are now responsible for his 'room and board', at a cost of $125 per day, or to put it bluntly, $3800 a month! I was prepared to pay the $3000 a month for his half-way house 'room and board', but that is not going to happen until late July. I was not prepared to now have to spend this money and more NOW.
I know, in the grand scheme of things, what's another $7600 that we really don't have. But seriously folks, if our son had cancer and needed to stay in the hospital for an extended period of time to receive treatment he would not be treated this way by the insurance companies of this country.
So today, well later today as it is 12:30am, we are going for our first Family Session at the center. We plan on meeting with the financial folks first to figure out the best way to pay for his continued care. It will be interesting to see what comes out of these sessions today. We have not spoken to our son for two weeks now, and have only received the one letter. This is the longest time we have not seen or heard from him, so I am curious to see how this is going to go. I wonder if he has accepted, or is going to accept, the fact that he is not coming home for awhile, if ever, and that he still has alot of work to do. We need to seperate him from his addictive influences (ie bad friends) and the longer he stays away from home the better off he will be and it will increase the chances of his permanent success.
If anyone reads this, please keep our family (especially our son) in your prayers.
Thanks.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Obla-Di, Obla-Da
Nothing really new to report at the moment. It's like the morning after a big thunderstorm. Everything is calm, with a little damage to clean up. My wife and I went to our support group on Tuesday night and our new situation was the hot topic of the night, with many of the other conversations going right back to it. Everybody was supportive, sympathetic, and reassured us that we are doing the right thing. On the home front, our house is a bit calmer with less worry, no locked doors, and knowing that our son is at the place that he will get the help that he needs. Word is starting to trickle out to his friends, some of whom have called us at home. We still need to get in touch with some of his NA people, including his sponsor. My wife and I have not yet made an attempt to get his room in order. We know he is in the right place and we are doing the right thing (and it may be the only thing that keeps him out of jail) but we have a huge hole in our hearts now because even if he comes out of this a better person, life in our house will never be the same.
On a negative note, we had no success this week keeping the article out of the town rag (paper). I picked up a copy last night at the local 7-11 and despite our best efforts the article made the front page. We don't care about us, and our son will never see the article. We are just trying to minimize the effect this will have on our younger son. The people in town that know us well will be supportive. The other 100 or so that know us will be supportive as well. The other 27,500 who don't know us I don't care about. Life will go on, obla-di obla-da.
Our first chance of visiting him will be next Monday, but we are going to pass. He has to begin to grow up and realize that mom and dad are not going to come running after him all the time. He is not 2 years old, he is 20 and needs to begin to stand up on his own. He also needs to work this program as hard as he can, because only positive progress reports to the prosecutor/judge will help him.
More in another day or so. Stay tuned.
On a negative note, we had no success this week keeping the article out of the town rag (paper). I picked up a copy last night at the local 7-11 and despite our best efforts the article made the front page. We don't care about us, and our son will never see the article. We are just trying to minimize the effect this will have on our younger son. The people in town that know us well will be supportive. The other 100 or so that know us will be supportive as well. The other 27,500 who don't know us I don't care about. Life will go on, obla-di obla-da.
Our first chance of visiting him will be next Monday, but we are going to pass. He has to begin to grow up and realize that mom and dad are not going to come running after him all the time. He is not 2 years old, he is 20 and needs to begin to stand up on his own. He also needs to work this program as hard as he can, because only positive progress reports to the prosecutor/judge will help him.
More in another day or so. Stay tuned.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Just when you think things could not get any worse.....
Thursday May 28
Things were going really well with Our son until last night. Since his return from Carrier in March he has had two minor relapses but for the past 40 days he has been clean as a whistle (as far as we could tell). He was going to his out-patient treatment at Summit Oaks three mornings a week and to nightly NA meetings. He hasn't gone out every night and when he did he was meeting his curfew. He found a sponsor and was starting his Step work. We found him a new Psychologist that seemed to be starting to work out well. My biggest complaint was that he was not doing anything else, not working (or looking for work) and not thinking about going back to school in the fall. However, since he still is in the stages of Early Recovery that is to be expected, especially with someone with multiple issues (medically termed a dual-diagnosis) due to his addiction, ADD, depression, anxiety, and insomnia. My wife and I go every Tuesday night to a Parent Support Groupmeeting in Summit for parents of addicts, and our younger son has started to see a psychologist as well (this is effecting him as well, in ways we may not know for years).
So, things were moving along until Our son missed his curfew on Wed night and by 3am I was driving around trying to find him (or the car of the friend he was with). He eventually called me around 3:30 am to say he was arrested and that he would not be released until the judge set bail in the morning. Seems that he had 30 Percacet on him (he said he found them, we know better) that he was going to give to a friend who wanted to buy them. He was with a good friend around 11:30 or so and his friend made an illegal U-turn on Northfield road and got pulled over. The cops thought they smelled pot (there wasn't any) and that was excuse enough to search the cars and the boys, and of course they found the 30 Percacet that Our son had in a baggie on him. He was arrested and Thursday morning the Judge set bail for both boys (the driver was arrested as well, because of Our son's possession) and Our son's was $75,000. On Thursday morning (yesterday) I had to call abail-bondsman to bail Our son out, pay him a 10% fee ($7,500) that we will never get back in order to have Our son released, otherwise he would have to go to the Essex County jail until trial or we could come up with the $75,000 cash.
I believe what happened with the percacet was that Our son got a call from one of his drug 'buddies' from school and he wanted to know if Our son knew where to get some for him. Our son probably figured this would be an easy way to make a little money, had the pills dropped off (either here or left somewhere) and he was going to give them to this guy for a little cash. Of course, when this happens Our son becomes a cop magnet, and if it wasn't for his friend making an illegal u-turn (his friend had no knowledge that Our son had the pills on him) Our son would never have been caught.
By the time I was able to get Our son out it was mid-morning and we had heard back from our Attorney (My wife called him while I was at the station) and we went over to meet him. Our son has a number of very serious charges against him right now due to the fact that he had 30 Percacets on him, which implies the intent to distribute. One of the charges is a 2nd degree charge (the degrees go from 1-4 with 1 being the worst) due to the arrest being 500 feet from a school (where the boys were eventually pulled over) and this charge if he is found guilty of could give him a 5-10 year jail sentence in a state facility. Of course, our lawyer says he will be found guilty of this over his dead body and I believe him because I know how good he is (and he is, and worth every penny). After talking with the three of us (Our son crying most of the time and My wife and I barely holding it together) he asked Our son to leave the room so he could talk with us about the situationand more importantly the cost. He has ALOT of work to do for this that will include multiple visits to the prosecutors office (this is an Essex county charge now, we are no longer in a municipal court for this arrest due to the severity of it) so he can work on getting the charges downgraded to minimize or eliminate any jail time (more on that in a moment). His normal fee for this is $50,000 (I almost had a stroke) but because we have used him and his partner in the past (for Our son's other arrests), and because he knows our family and knows we are doing everything we can for Our son he told us he would cut that fee in half, which basically means for us that all of the rest of Our son's college money is going to help pay for his attorney.
When we got back home after the lawyer, Our son went to bed (he was up all night in the local jail), and we got busy on the phone to get Our son into a in-patient facility that is able to deal with a Dual-Diagnosis patient. We spoke to Summit Oaks and his psychologist, and they agreed that an long-term in-patient center was the best bet for him, and our lawyer said that this can only HELP him with Our son's case, and that he could possibly have some of the charges dismissed or the penalty being no jail time since he is in a treatment facility. We also spoke with the leader of our support group and she agreed that this was the best thing for him. Even though he has been clean for 40 days, he is still making stupid decisions and thinking that he cannot get caught doing what he was doing. He needs to get more intense treatment for his addiction and have his brain re-programmed to get a better sense of what is right and wrong. Unfortunately, there are not alot ofplaces that treat dual-diagnosis patients in NJ, PA , or NY that are within a few hours away, and that have a bed for him. We found a place in south Jersey that does, and they come highly recommended (one of the other families in our group sent one of their daughters there, so we called them and spoke to them yesterday). Our son agreed to go there (voluntarily) because he knows that this may be the only thing that keeps him out of jail.
So, today at 3pm we will drive Our son down to Keyport for his intake meetings (we do one, he does one, we all do one together) and then we will be leaving him there for up to 90 days. If all goes well, he will be allowed to step-down to a half-way house in the area there to continue his treatment and get a job, reporting back to the house each day after work. This type of a program totally removes the addict from his comfort environment that has the triggers for addiction issues (and in Our son's case not totally knowing the consequences of his actions and the possibilities of what could happen).
I thought leaving him in the Psych ward after his overdose in February was hard. I thought leaving him at Carrier Clinic in February for 10 days was hard. This is devastating. Our younger son was hysterical all night last night once he found out what was going on and was crying this morning before he went to school. My wife and I are basket cases right now but know that this is the ONLY thing we can do, and the ONLY thing that gives him a chance to not go to jail. Just when you think things are going great, just when you think things could never get worse, this happens, and this is just the worst thing (other than a devastating illness or death) that a parent can ever go through with a child. My wife and I are doing the best we can right now (we both took off of work yesterday to make our calls and arrangements) and are both working from home today since we have to leave by around 3 to take Our son to the facility. We still have alot of things to do with thisincluding calling his Probation Officer for his November DUI regarding his community service that he will no longer be able to fulfill, we have to call his NA sponsor, and have to call another NA guy that Our son was working with to run one of his weekly meetings. Then there are Our son's friends....the good ones that he has remained friends with that know his situation and have been helping us keep him on the right track.....that we have to call to let them know the situation.
This is it. This is his last chance. Short of selling our home or wiping out our 401K's there is no more money left for him. This episode is going to cost us almost $40,000 (bail-bondsman, lawyer, fines, figuring in the insurance co-pays) on top of the $12,000 we have spent on the other cases (lawyer fees and fines). While addiction IS a disease that needs to be treated like any other serious disease, he does have some control over his actions and should be able to keep himself out of trouble, which he has not been able to do. I will pay for his medical but we are done bailing him out and paying for lawyers. As hard as this will be for us, at some point he has to stand up on his own and deal with his issues. We are hoping that this is his bottom (it certainly is ours) and that things will get better from here.
Friday night, May 29
So we took him last night, and it went well. We won't be able to talk to him for about a week (he is in a black-out period, normal for a person's first entry to a place like this). It is actually a nice place, an old Victorian house right on the bay in Keyport (that is the residence) with the treatment center a few blocks away. Insurance is going to cover most of the expense. The real challenge will be afterwards because insurance does not cover a half-way house which he will need to go to afterwards and that will run about $3000 a month. A half-way house will be continued care and a place where he will go off to work each day somewhere in the area. We have to get him to that place first.
Things were going really well with Our son until last night. Since his return from Carrier in March he has had two minor relapses but for the past 40 days he has been clean as a whistle (as far as we could tell). He was going to his out-patient treatment at Summit Oaks three mornings a week and to nightly NA meetings. He hasn't gone out every night and when he did he was meeting his curfew. He found a sponsor and was starting his Step work. We found him a new Psychologist that seemed to be starting to work out well. My biggest complaint was that he was not doing anything else, not working (or looking for work) and not thinking about going back to school in the fall. However, since he still is in the stages of Early Recovery that is to be expected, especially with someone with multiple issues (medically termed a dual-diagnosis) due to his addiction, ADD, depression, anxiety, and insomnia. My wife and I go every Tuesday night to a Parent Support Groupmeeting in Summit for parents of addicts, and our younger son has started to see a psychologist as well (this is effecting him as well, in ways we may not know for years).
So, things were moving along until Our son missed his curfew on Wed night and by 3am I was driving around trying to find him (or the car of the friend he was with). He eventually called me around 3:30 am to say he was arrested and that he would not be released until the judge set bail in the morning. Seems that he had 30 Percacet on him (he said he found them, we know better) that he was going to give to a friend who wanted to buy them. He was with a good friend around 11:30 or so and his friend made an illegal U-turn on Northfield road and got pulled over. The cops thought they smelled pot (there wasn't any) and that was excuse enough to search the cars and the boys, and of course they found the 30 Percacet that Our son had in a baggie on him. He was arrested and Thursday morning the Judge set bail for both boys (the driver was arrested as well, because of Our son's possession) and Our son's was $75,000. On Thursday morning (yesterday) I had to call abail-bondsman to bail Our son out, pay him a 10% fee ($7,500) that we will never get back in order to have Our son released, otherwise he would have to go to the Essex County jail until trial or we could come up with the $75,000 cash.
I believe what happened with the percacet was that Our son got a call from one of his drug 'buddies' from school and he wanted to know if Our son knew where to get some for him. Our son probably figured this would be an easy way to make a little money, had the pills dropped off (either here or left somewhere) and he was going to give them to this guy for a little cash. Of course, when this happens Our son becomes a cop magnet, and if it wasn't for his friend making an illegal u-turn (his friend had no knowledge that Our son had the pills on him) Our son would never have been caught.
By the time I was able to get Our son out it was mid-morning and we had heard back from our Attorney (My wife called him while I was at the station) and we went over to meet him. Our son has a number of very serious charges against him right now due to the fact that he had 30 Percacets on him, which implies the intent to distribute. One of the charges is a 2nd degree charge (the degrees go from 1-4 with 1 being the worst) due to the arrest being 500 feet from a school (where the boys were eventually pulled over) and this charge if he is found guilty of could give him a 5-10 year jail sentence in a state facility. Of course, our lawyer says he will be found guilty of this over his dead body and I believe him because I know how good he is (and he is, and worth every penny). After talking with the three of us (Our son crying most of the time and My wife and I barely holding it together) he asked Our son to leave the room so he could talk with us about the situationand more importantly the cost. He has ALOT of work to do for this that will include multiple visits to the prosecutors office (this is an Essex county charge now, we are no longer in a municipal court for this arrest due to the severity of it) so he can work on getting the charges downgraded to minimize or eliminate any jail time (more on that in a moment). His normal fee for this is $50,000 (I almost had a stroke) but because we have used him and his partner in the past (for Our son's other arrests), and because he knows our family and knows we are doing everything we can for Our son he told us he would cut that fee in half, which basically means for us that all of the rest of Our son's college money is going to help pay for his attorney.
When we got back home after the lawyer, Our son went to bed (he was up all night in the local jail), and we got busy on the phone to get Our son into a in-patient facility that is able to deal with a Dual-Diagnosis patient. We spoke to Summit Oaks and his psychologist, and they agreed that an long-term in-patient center was the best bet for him, and our lawyer said that this can only HELP him with Our son's case, and that he could possibly have some of the charges dismissed or the penalty being no jail time since he is in a treatment facility. We also spoke with the leader of our support group and she agreed that this was the best thing for him. Even though he has been clean for 40 days, he is still making stupid decisions and thinking that he cannot get caught doing what he was doing. He needs to get more intense treatment for his addiction and have his brain re-programmed to get a better sense of what is right and wrong. Unfortunately, there are not alot ofplaces that treat dual-diagnosis patients in NJ, PA , or NY that are within a few hours away, and that have a bed for him. We found a place in south Jersey that does, and they come highly recommended (one of the other families in our group sent one of their daughters there, so we called them and spoke to them yesterday). Our son agreed to go there (voluntarily) because he knows that this may be the only thing that keeps him out of jail.
So, today at 3pm we will drive Our son down to Keyport for his intake meetings (we do one, he does one, we all do one together) and then we will be leaving him there for up to 90 days. If all goes well, he will be allowed to step-down to a half-way house in the area there to continue his treatment and get a job, reporting back to the house each day after work. This type of a program totally removes the addict from his comfort environment that has the triggers for addiction issues (and in Our son's case not totally knowing the consequences of his actions and the possibilities of what could happen).
I thought leaving him in the Psych ward after his overdose in February was hard. I thought leaving him at Carrier Clinic in February for 10 days was hard. This is devastating. Our younger son was hysterical all night last night once he found out what was going on and was crying this morning before he went to school. My wife and I are basket cases right now but know that this is the ONLY thing we can do, and the ONLY thing that gives him a chance to not go to jail. Just when you think things are going great, just when you think things could never get worse, this happens, and this is just the worst thing (other than a devastating illness or death) that a parent can ever go through with a child. My wife and I are doing the best we can right now (we both took off of work yesterday to make our calls and arrangements) and are both working from home today since we have to leave by around 3 to take Our son to the facility. We still have alot of things to do with thisincluding calling his Probation Officer for his November DUI regarding his community service that he will no longer be able to fulfill, we have to call his NA sponsor, and have to call another NA guy that Our son was working with to run one of his weekly meetings. Then there are Our son's friends....the good ones that he has remained friends with that know his situation and have been helping us keep him on the right track.....that we have to call to let them know the situation.
This is it. This is his last chance. Short of selling our home or wiping out our 401K's there is no more money left for him. This episode is going to cost us almost $40,000 (bail-bondsman, lawyer, fines, figuring in the insurance co-pays) on top of the $12,000 we have spent on the other cases (lawyer fees and fines). While addiction IS a disease that needs to be treated like any other serious disease, he does have some control over his actions and should be able to keep himself out of trouble, which he has not been able to do. I will pay for his medical but we are done bailing him out and paying for lawyers. As hard as this will be for us, at some point he has to stand up on his own and deal with his issues. We are hoping that this is his bottom (it certainly is ours) and that things will get better from here.
Friday night, May 29
So we took him last night, and it went well. We won't be able to talk to him for about a week (he is in a black-out period, normal for a person's first entry to a place like this). It is actually a nice place, an old Victorian house right on the bay in Keyport (that is the residence) with the treatment center a few blocks away. Insurance is going to cover most of the expense. The real challenge will be afterwards because insurance does not cover a half-way house which he will need to go to afterwards and that will run about $3000 a month. A half-way house will be continued care and a place where he will go off to work each day somewhere in the area. We have to get him to that place first.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
This is not fun.....
I am not having a good day today. I'm not sure why. My wife and I had a good meeting last night at the support group. Compared to all the other people in the group our situation is still so NEW compared to what everyone else has been going through for years, and they have all had much worse situations. I hope we don't have to go through what they all have and I hope we don't have to do the things that many of them have had to do (ie kicking their kids out, preventing them from ever coming home, pressing charges, etc, etc). I don't think we are there and I pray that we never get there. I look at our son now, and I see him trying and succeeding (40 days or so since the last relapse) and I continue to be cautiously optimistic.
I also see another couple there who have put their 20 year old in an extended open-ended program and I wonder, based on what they told everyone he did and they went through, if they went TOO far and are being too strict about it. I guess one never really knows. There are no easy answers and there is no right or wrong way. Each case is different and one size does not fit all.
So, why am I not having a good day? I think its because I am not where I want to be right now (emotionally), and that is all caused by what our son put us through earlier this year (the arrests, court cases, the ER visits, the psyche ward, the in-patient time, and now the never-ending out-patient and meeting cycle). I feel like I am on a treadmill and I can't change the speed and I can't fix the problem to turn the darn thing off so we can live the lives I thought we would. This is heavy stuff, I know, but I like to fix things. I like to make people happy and I want our family to be happy, or at least happier than we are now. We're doing good, and our son is doing much better, and our younger son is fine, but it seems we are all waiting for the next crisis that hopefully will never come but may be inevitable. As our group leader said the other night, we are still in the Early Recovery stage. I would like to know when we graduate away from Early Recovery!!!!
I also see another couple there who have put their 20 year old in an extended open-ended program and I wonder, based on what they told everyone he did and they went through, if they went TOO far and are being too strict about it. I guess one never really knows. There are no easy answers and there is no right or wrong way. Each case is different and one size does not fit all.
So, why am I not having a good day? I think its because I am not where I want to be right now (emotionally), and that is all caused by what our son put us through earlier this year (the arrests, court cases, the ER visits, the psyche ward, the in-patient time, and now the never-ending out-patient and meeting cycle). I feel like I am on a treadmill and I can't change the speed and I can't fix the problem to turn the darn thing off so we can live the lives I thought we would. This is heavy stuff, I know, but I like to fix things. I like to make people happy and I want our family to be happy, or at least happier than we are now. We're doing good, and our son is doing much better, and our younger son is fine, but it seems we are all waiting for the next crisis that hopefully will never come but may be inevitable. As our group leader said the other night, we are still in the Early Recovery stage. I would like to know when we graduate away from Early Recovery!!!!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
A good Memorial Day Weekend
A fairly quiet Memorial Day weekend with our son. He went to his meetings, he hung out at home, went out a little bit. We talked a little. He says it is hard, but he IS trying. He is now almost 40 days since the last small relapse and he is very excited and proud of it, as are we. We are still on pins and needles, never knowing when he may come home on something, or he was tempted and now is dealing with the anxiety and depression that comes from knowing (from his perspective) that his friends can have a beer or smoke a joint and they are fine but that he can't even do it once without triggering him to start using again. We feel bad for him, but this is the life he has made for himself, and we are doing everything we can to make sure he has the tools and support he needs.
Still no job, and no real discussions about school other than he was relieved to hear from us that we are not pushing for him to go back full-time in the fall. I'm not sure if he could handle it anyway. We'll have to see. Of course, like with looking for a job HE has to make the steps. We cannot enable him because that is not helpful to him in the future.
Still no job, and no real discussions about school other than he was relieved to hear from us that we are not pushing for him to go back full-time in the fall. I'm not sure if he could handle it anyway. We'll have to see. Of course, like with looking for a job HE has to make the steps. We cannot enable him because that is not helpful to him in the future.
Friday, May 22, 2009
May 22 update - things going good
Haven't posted in a few days. That is a good thing I guess. Our son seems to be holding his own. No drug/alcohol issues, meeting his curfew, not seeing people we know are bad influences. I just wish he would do MORE. For example, the other day he slept until after 1, the laid on the couch the rest of the day and at one point had to take a nap because he was tired!! I keep trying to explain to him that if he was active (ie working a little) he would have more purpose and would not be depressed. I am tempering my exepectations and am in full realization that his job right now is to get better, no matter how long it takes. Because we are dealing with multiple levels of issues (addicition, depression, anxiety, etc) this is going to be a long haul.
I'm not sure if anyone will ever read this, but it feels good to write it out a bit.
I'm not sure if anyone will ever read this, but it feels good to write it out a bit.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
The story so far......
Here is what I have written so far. I have changed the names to protect the innocent. This is just an exercise to trace the incidents, to make some sense of this whole thing. I wish I had started this in the beginning. Consequently, the first few months are just highlights (lowlights actually......how could this stuff be considered good?).
Our son has an addicition to Benzo medications. He has mild ADD, insomnia, anxiety and while he will not admit to it, a case of depression. When he can't sleep his anxiety increases, leading to him taking more medication. Self and over medicating has led to where we are today, and he has a history of using OTC as well as illegally obtained perscription medication (bought from others).
The benzodiazepines ( often abbreviated to "benzos") are a commonly prescribed class of psychoactive drugs with varying sedative, hypnotic, anxiolytic (antianxiety), anticonvulsant, muscle relaxant and amnesic properties.[1] Benzodiazepines are useful in treating anxiety, insomnia, agitation, seizures and muscle spasms, as well as alcohol withdrawal
April 2008 - ADD medication arrest (even though he had a scrip). He was in a car that was pulled over and all the occupants searched. He had Adderall in his pocket without the bottle. Arrested for carrying a controlled substance without a perscription. Result, guilty plea with 6 month conditional discharge.
November 2008 - DUI at mall. In mall parking lot, waiting for a friend to pick him up. Huffing as well, though that was not proven. Other charges include resisting arrest, creating a public nuisance (during the arrest), etc. Result, found guilty of DUI, other charges dropped. 30 days license suspension, community service.
February 2009 - Marijuana arrest in motor vehicle in next town. Someone reported him passed out at as traffic light. He was able to drive, but got pulled over and the cops smelled pot. End result, disorderly conduct charge. This resulted in a probation violation from
Total Attorney Fees and municipal fines approximately $12,000.
February 2009 - March 2009 - Drug issues spiraled out of control during last court appearances, probably due to increased anxiety and insomnia. Psychiatrist that is treating him does not believe him when he says he is not self/over medicating. He is lying to himself, us, and his Psychologist. Find him passed out on the couch and his bedroom unable to wake him up on two occasions. Two ER visits, second one leading to admission for medical issues, then he agreed to go for Psyche Evaluation (6 days), leading to 10 Days at Carrier Clinic. Withdrawn from school for medical reasons.
March 2009 - April 2009 - Outpatient at
Mild slip/relapse in Mid March, leading to house arrest for two weeks.
Major slip/relapse in mid April, incident in neighborhood, luckily no arrest. Met with Summit Oaks team. He agreed next relapse would lead to admission to 28 day program. Tests positive for alcohol next day after we found Vanilla & Lemon Extract bottles in his backpack (80% alcohol in those small little bottles!).
April 18/19. On something, not sure what. Friend has medication missing. Our son not acting normal, we can tell he is using something but cannot find it. He denies it but it seems like we are to where we were in Feb. He is taking his meds when he wants to, not as prescribed. He decides to show me 'all' of his hiding spots in the house and outside. I thank him, but inside I know he can be hiding things anywhere and he is just trying to throw us off the trail.
April 19, missed Apple Store appointment again to have his Imac looked at. He could not get up. Arranged to give guitar lesson, could barely get up for that. We told him to call family and say he was sick. In afternoon/evening he does have a fever.
April 20. Forced him to go to Outpatient. Slept through his alarm blaring right by his ear. He says he is still not feeling well, but has no fever. He goes. Wife takes him to new Psychiatrist in the afternoon. Summit Oaks will still be his primary for now, but it is good to have a new Psych established for when (or if) he ever finishes with
April 21. Asked Our son to call his sponsor over the last few days about a possible ride to his meeting tonight so Wife and I can go to a meeting for ourselves. Wife checked his phone (he never erases calls), no calls to his sponsor. We have a ride arranged for him, but it is better if HE does this himself. I have to stop enabling him (that is my biggest problem). He sleeps until
April 22 to May 6. - Nothing major to report. Wife and I have started to go to Parent Support Group meetings. It's a good group and we are learning how not to enable Our son. He still does almost nothing except go to therapy and meetings. We were able to get him to do some stuff around the house only after we gave him a deadline with a consequence of not meeting the deadline of having his internet access turned off (I can do that through the router to his computers). We have had some minor arguments with him, but overall we think he is trying. He IS having a difficult time, and so are we as we are waiting for the next problem or relapse. Wife and I are researching 28+ day in-patient programs so that we have some numbers ready if he does have a major relapse.
My emotions are running wild again. I go from angry to depressed in the course of a day and back again. I am angry because he has so much talent that he is wasting, and I am angry that he is not doing what he is supposed to be doing (going to school, working on his future), and this anger leads to depression and the depression leads back to anger. Meanwhile, life goes on, the sun goes up and down, Our son needs rides to get where he needs to go, and Wife and I do our best to have some sense of normalcy while waiting for the next problem and hoping it never happens.
May 7 to 11. Things are going a bit better. We know Our son is trying and we know that this is hard. His emotions seem to range from depression to happiness, to discouragement. Probably because HE is not in a place he thought he would be at. The challenges are going to get stronger now because most of the kids are now back from school, including some that are not the greatest influence on him. It seems though that he is trying to avoid situations and people. This past Saturday night, after we all went out for dinner for my mom's birthday, he stayed home with all of us and did not go out, something that would have been totally unheard of a few months ago. We don't know if he was avoiding a situation or just didn't want to see anyone. On a negative side we also found a stray OTC pill in the bathroom on Saturday night. It had to be his, though he denied it. He is not using drugs though, we think we would know because we know what he is like. Of course, when people talk with him (ie his uncles, grandparents) he says the right things (what people want to hear) but is still not doing all the things he is supposed to do (ie look for a job, register for fall classes). We will not do this stuff for him. On Sunday he DID cut the grass and said it wasn't so bad. He is trying, we are trying, and life moves on. I just pray we are going in the right direction.
I am almost finished with Beautiful Boy by David Sheff. What an amazing read, with some of the parts really hitting home. Next on the agenda is his sons' book, Tweaked by Nic Sheff. The same issue (Nic's addiction) but this time from the addicts point of view. Scary stuff indeed.
BTW.....I need to get this out on a blog. I don't want Our son to see if though so I'll probably hide my own identity and use some fake names. This is worth keeping, plus it is getting me to write a bit. How about that!!!
May 12 - Our son went out with some friends last night that have just come home from college. Now is when the real challenge for him is going to begin. When one of his friends came over to pick him up after his meeting I reminded him that there is a zero tolerance policy for Our son, and that he has to respect that otherwise Our son will not be able to hang out with him (we will put him back under house arrest if we have to). He said he understood, but of course he is 20 and in college and..... Our son did come home on time and looked fine. He hung out with me in the den and then I went to sleep. I believe he was sober/straight as I am becoming a lot better at determining when he is on something.
Our son's sponsor stopped by earlier in the evening as he had not heard from Our son in a few days and was concerned. From his point of view Our son is not trying enough, and not working the NA 12 step program like he should be. We talked for a bit and I told him I was not overly concerned at this point about that because this is still so new to Our son, but I did agree to talk to Our son about it. Our son does need to be more serious about his recovery. I just don't know whether or not he is really ready. He says he is and we know he is trying, but he is only 20 and this is all new. Time and situations will tell.
May 13 - Wife and I went to our parents group last night. As usual it was good. We are still rookies in this game and it is comforting to know there are other people who truly understand what we have gone through and what we are feeling. In addition, hearing their stories and weekly issues (most much worse than our situation) somewhat puts our issues into perspective because we know we could be much worse off with Our son. As for Our son, amazingly he was able to get a ride to last nights meeting in Summit (something he couldn't do last week) and was voted to be that meetings 'coffee person' by the group....which basically means he is responsible for setting up the coffee that night. After the meeting he went out to the movies with a friend and was home by
May 14-18 - Things are going as well as we can expect. Our son has had no slips and is trying. We took him to a new Psychologist on Friday and they seemed to hit it off. This guy is a young adult addiction specialist who also specializes in insomnia. On Saturday we took Our younger son for the first time to a Psychologist that we have used before for Our son. At first Our younger son did not feel he needed to go, but after talking with him alone and with us, Our younger son said he got alot out of it and is willing to go back again to see him. We know Our son's actions of the last 6 months have had some effect on Our younger son, and we just want to make sure it doesn't send him down the wrong path. One thing we did learn from this doctor is that Our son has multi-layers of issues to deal with (addiction, anxiety, depression, ADD), and that makes it much harder for him to overcome them all.
May 18
May 19 - He came home on time last night and did not look, act, or smell like he had taken anything. With each passing day my hope that he has taken some big steps grows. This of course is tempered because I know that at any time he can regress due to other issues.
I am the father of an addict
Since we realized a few months ago that our son was self-medicating and using drugs for more than recreational purposes our life has been hell. In an attempt to make sense of it all I started a little diary of events in one of my email accounts. I have realized that I need a better place to store that, so I have created this anonymous blog to post my entries. For now, nobody is going to know about this. In the future, I may tell certain people the name of this site (those who know of our entire situation and have helped us get through our troubles). At the very least this will be a place where I can go to just recollect what has been happening to us, a chain of events I never thought would occur, but who does.
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