Wow. Another two week period without a post. I guess that is a good thing. Actually, there was really nothing to say because until this past Friday we hadn't seen our son since the probation dept meeting (just me) and the 24 hours from hell (both of us).
We went down to visit him and attend the family session last Friday night. I was doing rather well most of the week until about 2pm on Friday when I realized the addiction was right in front of me again. It was nice not having to deal with it for a few weeks. Even though his disease is always a part of our life, not having it right in front of us was a nice change. My wife and I talked about it and think this is a good thing, that having the disease swing back and forth into our life means that it is either getting easier to deal with or we are able to push it (and keep it) aside for longer periods of time.
Anyway....the family session was good, and our son seems to be making greater strides in his recovery. We talked a bit and he told us (in a very good manner) that he feels he is done there, and ready to move on to the next step (which will be a sober house down in the area where he is). We have been feeling this for awhile, and when I spoke with one of his counselors on the side on Friday night she said the same thing. Our son has been there for 17 weeks now (I don't even want to THINK about how much this has cost us) and eventually he has to move on, move away from the nice, safe, sheltered environment that he is in and live out in the real world. Fortunately, he knows that moving back home is not the best idea for him (for the near future) and that he needs to stay in the area where he is because that is where is support network is. I know that our anxiety level will increase when he moves out, but he has to do this eventually. We just hope he has developed the necessary tools to lead a drug-free life, that he rely's on his support network, and that we can cope with whatever issues may come our way.
Our next steps are fairly easy right now. We are meeting with him and his counselor on Friday night before the next family session, where we will discuss his progress and his next steps, come up with a time line (nothing can occur until after the Oct 19 sentencing anyway), and make sure that he is converting and not being compliant.
On Saturday we are going down to see him again, this time with my mom and step-father, who have not seen him since Mothers day. We are going to take him out to lunch, and it should be an emotional get-together, but a good one.
In the meantime, we are still going to our parent support group one night a week and that is helping us alot.
I will post after our Friday night and Saturday afternoon visits. Stay tuned.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Highs, lows, and everything in between
I realize I haven't posted in over two weeks. It's been a whirlwind of a two week period, with lots of highs, lows, and everything in between. I'll try to be brief.
Before I start I would like to preface that if you don't know this, know this now:
1. Addiction is a family disease. The addict and their disease effects their entire family. Even though our son is not living with us now, and quite possibly may never again, his addiction has a sneaky way of disrupting our lives without warning and effecting almost everything we do.
2. Never be complacent and comfortable living with this family disease. Just when you think things are going great and your family member is finally 'getting it' or 'on their way', this disease can cut you off at your knees and blow you out of the water when you least expect it.
Ok...so the events of the last two weeks or so.
8/28 - Met with our son and his primary counselor before the Friday night family session. Went over how he is doing, how the job search is going, and what the plan is for the next two months (ie eventually leaving the treatment center and moving to a sober house). It was a great meeting, we talked about alot of things that we can do for him, he can do for us, etc, and it seems he is finally 'getting it' or has 'turned the corner'. We were allowed to take him out for a quick bite for dinner when we were finished as we had some time before the family session.
8/31 - Court date. Our son accepted the prosecutor's deal after much discussion/negotiation. Most of his charges were dropped and he had to plead guilty to a third degree posession charge. This will result in no jail time (thank god!) but he will be on probation for an extended period of time (to be determined at sentencing in October). The judge told him that this is his last chance, and that if he has any probation violation he will be put in jail (just shoot me if that happens). It was a very emotional day for us as we were hoping for a 'hail mary' pass that an agreement for a conditional discharge could be worked out, but that was not the case. This is serious stuff and I am hoping our son knows this.
9/2 - 9/3 - 24 hours of hell. Seriously. To make a real long story short we received a call on 9/2 at 5:30 pm to pick up our son because he was being told to leave the program for a behavioral issue. Seems they are having alot of problems in his house with the managers and keeping some of the clients from 'mis-behaving' and they punished the entire house for the actions of a few (not our son), but our son had an issue with it and his own actions prompted the administration to want him to leave. So....we literally dropped everything we were doing, drove 90 minutes down to the treatment center, and after a two hour meeting of arguing with the admin staff and threatening to call a lawyer and file a complaint through the insurance company they finally agreed that we all need to sleep on their decision (the counselors agreed that kicking him out was not the right response). So, they asked us to stay in the area and for our son to fax over a letter that night to them explaining why he did what he did, how it was wrong for his addicition, and what he learned from the mistake, and if he did so they would consider letting him back in the program. They were having alot of problems in his house, and I understand that it sets a bad example to have him go right back there after they kicked him out. So, we left, went to a hotel, had some dinner, he wrote and faxed a letter over, and the four of us (our younger son went with us...family vacation!) watched a movie in the room before passing out.
The next day we slept late waiting for them to call, got some lunch, and finally they called around 2 saying he COULD come back but that he would have to start over at the more restrictive house so they could 1) get their act together at the house he was at, and 2) work with him on his impulsivity issues so that he doesn't act out again like he did. So, we ran a few errands and then drove him back and they re-admitted him. All of his counselors came up to us and him saying they really fought hard to get him back in the program because he has made so much progress and needs to continue. They feel he will move up quickly and in a few weeks be able to move back to the house he was in.....which will also give them the time to get their act together there.
This taught us a few things.....1) This disease can sneak up on you at any time!! and 2) We need to make sure we have a plan in place and numbers to call (for him to call) if this ever happens again and when he is ready to move on to a sober house or a halfway house type of living that is not supervised. We have realized that we are not ready for him to come home because that is not in his best interest, or the best interest of our family right now.....as hard as that is to say, it really is the truth. Just one night with our son in a hotel room, worrying about when he was going to take his medication, and having to sleep with all of his medication under our pillow was enough to bring back all of the bad memories of earlier this year.
9/9 - Drove down to pick up our son, and take him to Newark for an interview with the probation department. This was actually a good morning (he had a 9:30 appt) and I had him back at the treatment center by around 11. This was the first day the two of us had been alone (without my wife) since he left in May for treatment. I was a little nervous, but we actually had some good conversations about what happened the week before, how is able to help some of the newer people in his house (since he had been there before he is way past where some of the new people are in terms of recovery) and we had some very frank discussions about his past drug use. My jaw dropped a few times and I said to myself (and to him) that he is very lucky to be alive right now after everything he has done to his body due to his addiction. He really pulled one over on us for over a year and it wasn't until last year that his drug use started to really increase and effect his life in adverse ways (ie mental health issues, school issues, lack of interest in music, etc). He told me that if he didn't have his two overdoses in February that the amount of drugs he was taking would have kept on increasing. If that had happened I think we would have lost him for good.
That's it for now. We actually won't see him again until Sept 25, which is good. The family sessions for the house he is in are on Monday nights, and we would be bored with them because it is something we have been through before. If all goes, well, he will be moved back to the other house around 9/21 or so, which will make him eligible to attend the session on 9/25. It will be nice having a few week break and not having to go down there, but of course we will miss him. However, he is where he needs to be, is paying the consequence for his impulsive actions, and we hope/pray/etc that he has learned that he HAS to follow the rules and continue his treatment, otherwise we cannot do a thing for him.
Before I start I would like to preface that if you don't know this, know this now:
1. Addiction is a family disease. The addict and their disease effects their entire family. Even though our son is not living with us now, and quite possibly may never again, his addiction has a sneaky way of disrupting our lives without warning and effecting almost everything we do.
2. Never be complacent and comfortable living with this family disease. Just when you think things are going great and your family member is finally 'getting it' or 'on their way', this disease can cut you off at your knees and blow you out of the water when you least expect it.
Ok...so the events of the last two weeks or so.
8/28 - Met with our son and his primary counselor before the Friday night family session. Went over how he is doing, how the job search is going, and what the plan is for the next two months (ie eventually leaving the treatment center and moving to a sober house). It was a great meeting, we talked about alot of things that we can do for him, he can do for us, etc, and it seems he is finally 'getting it' or has 'turned the corner'. We were allowed to take him out for a quick bite for dinner when we were finished as we had some time before the family session.
8/31 - Court date. Our son accepted the prosecutor's deal after much discussion/negotiation. Most of his charges were dropped and he had to plead guilty to a third degree posession charge. This will result in no jail time (thank god!) but he will be on probation for an extended period of time (to be determined at sentencing in October). The judge told him that this is his last chance, and that if he has any probation violation he will be put in jail (just shoot me if that happens). It was a very emotional day for us as we were hoping for a 'hail mary' pass that an agreement for a conditional discharge could be worked out, but that was not the case. This is serious stuff and I am hoping our son knows this.
9/2 - 9/3 - 24 hours of hell. Seriously. To make a real long story short we received a call on 9/2 at 5:30 pm to pick up our son because he was being told to leave the program for a behavioral issue. Seems they are having alot of problems in his house with the managers and keeping some of the clients from 'mis-behaving' and they punished the entire house for the actions of a few (not our son), but our son had an issue with it and his own actions prompted the administration to want him to leave. So....we literally dropped everything we were doing, drove 90 minutes down to the treatment center, and after a two hour meeting of arguing with the admin staff and threatening to call a lawyer and file a complaint through the insurance company they finally agreed that we all need to sleep on their decision (the counselors agreed that kicking him out was not the right response). So, they asked us to stay in the area and for our son to fax over a letter that night to them explaining why he did what he did, how it was wrong for his addicition, and what he learned from the mistake, and if he did so they would consider letting him back in the program. They were having alot of problems in his house, and I understand that it sets a bad example to have him go right back there after they kicked him out. So, we left, went to a hotel, had some dinner, he wrote and faxed a letter over, and the four of us (our younger son went with us...family vacation!) watched a movie in the room before passing out.
The next day we slept late waiting for them to call, got some lunch, and finally they called around 2 saying he COULD come back but that he would have to start over at the more restrictive house so they could 1) get their act together at the house he was at, and 2) work with him on his impulsivity issues so that he doesn't act out again like he did. So, we ran a few errands and then drove him back and they re-admitted him. All of his counselors came up to us and him saying they really fought hard to get him back in the program because he has made so much progress and needs to continue. They feel he will move up quickly and in a few weeks be able to move back to the house he was in.....which will also give them the time to get their act together there.
This taught us a few things.....1) This disease can sneak up on you at any time!! and 2) We need to make sure we have a plan in place and numbers to call (for him to call) if this ever happens again and when he is ready to move on to a sober house or a halfway house type of living that is not supervised. We have realized that we are not ready for him to come home because that is not in his best interest, or the best interest of our family right now.....as hard as that is to say, it really is the truth. Just one night with our son in a hotel room, worrying about when he was going to take his medication, and having to sleep with all of his medication under our pillow was enough to bring back all of the bad memories of earlier this year.
9/9 - Drove down to pick up our son, and take him to Newark for an interview with the probation department. This was actually a good morning (he had a 9:30 appt) and I had him back at the treatment center by around 11. This was the first day the two of us had been alone (without my wife) since he left in May for treatment. I was a little nervous, but we actually had some good conversations about what happened the week before, how is able to help some of the newer people in his house (since he had been there before he is way past where some of the new people are in terms of recovery) and we had some very frank discussions about his past drug use. My jaw dropped a few times and I said to myself (and to him) that he is very lucky to be alive right now after everything he has done to his body due to his addiction. He really pulled one over on us for over a year and it wasn't until last year that his drug use started to really increase and effect his life in adverse ways (ie mental health issues, school issues, lack of interest in music, etc). He told me that if he didn't have his two overdoses in February that the amount of drugs he was taking would have kept on increasing. If that had happened I think we would have lost him for good.
That's it for now. We actually won't see him again until Sept 25, which is good. The family sessions for the house he is in are on Monday nights, and we would be bored with them because it is something we have been through before. If all goes, well, he will be moved back to the other house around 9/21 or so, which will make him eligible to attend the session on 9/25. It will be nice having a few week break and not having to go down there, but of course we will miss him. However, he is where he needs to be, is paying the consequence for his impulsive actions, and we hope/pray/etc that he has learned that he HAS to follow the rules and continue his treatment, otherwise we cannot do a thing for him.
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