Very busy weekend with our son's addiction. Very emotional as well.
Friday night was my first Therapist appt. Went well. The therapist and I 'clicked' which is good. I am hoping he can help me heal. I will be seeing him once a week and he wants to concentrate not on my son and his addicition, but on me and how I can get myself better. This is exactly what I need.
We did not go to the family session on Friday night because on Saturday we took our son out for four hours. He earned a four-hour offsite. My brother and his partner, and our younger son went with us. Took him to lunch and then went to play some mini-golf. Aftewards we went back to his house and our son's had a bit of a heart to heart on the front porch, which they both desperately needed. It was a good visit, which we heard almost had to be cancelled because our son got caught smoking when he shouldn't have and initially had his offsite cancelled. He wrote his house manager an apology letter and grovelled and his offsite was restored. I think if we had found out about the violation we would have cancelled it ourselves, to teach him a lesson. He needs to follow the rules in life, no matter how unfair they may seem.
Yesterday, Sunday, I finally got around to dismantling the L shaped desk and hutch in his room so we can throw it away. I had a very difficult time emotionally doing this because I remember being the one who spent 8 hours putting the darn thing together about 6 years ago. Plus, I had to spend alot of time in his room, which is still very difficult for me. However, we have to totally change his room so if he ever does come home it does not act like a trigger. I struggled through the process and got it done, but not without alot of tears. I did not sleep well last night (only got about 3 hours sleep) and I have to believe that my mind was still reeling from having to do what I did earlier in the day. Perhaps this is something I will bring up with my therapist on Wed night.
That's it for now. We will see our son again on Friday night for the next family session, and then of course a week from today (8/31) is his next court appearance.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Recovery on many fronts
Just a quick update.
Visited our son on Friday night....usual Friday night visit. His best friend took the trip down with us. He was very nervous going down, and confided in us that he was afraid that our son was being 'brainwashed' and he wouldn't be the same. Needless to say, he was very surprised that our son was not only the same, but back to being the way he was before the drugs took over his life. All in all it was a good visit. He has earned a 4 hour offsite for this coming weekend, and if we can swing it we are going to go visit him, take him out to lunch and go play some min-golf somewhere.....and try to act like a real family for a change.
Our son gave us a letter to give to our younger son, asking us not to read it. We gave the letter to our younger son on Sunday night and it opened up his emotional floodgates a bit. He REALLY misses his brother, more than we ever realized. My wife and I had to stop doing what we were doing around the house and spend some time calming him down because he was so upset. We are very glad he is seeing a psychologist himself once a month because he really needs a neutral person to listen to how he is feeling. We have to remember, that even though he is only 13 that this is very hard on him as well.
On a personal front, last week I finally made the call to see a therapist. I have discovered that as our son is doing better, I am doing worse. I find that my emotions range from normal to depression, feeling anxious, and sometimes non-functional......sometimes in the span of minutes or hours. All of the emotion, anger, and fear that naturally comes when your child has an addicition issue, problems with the law, and is in rehab is natural. However, I have been bottling it up for so long that it is slowly leaking out, which is having profound adverse effects on my emotional well-being. On Monday (yesterday) I had my intake interview with the head of the psychological association I am going to use and he will see which one of the doctors in his group will be the best fit for me. I need to get better. I cannot continue to live life not knowing what is going to trigger me into feeling so down, because when I get that way I am no good for my family, our older son as he gets better, and most of all to myself.
This is a horrible disease, that has intense fingers in more places than you can imagine. I have come to admit that I cannot do this alone anymore, that I cannot keep these emotions in check (under lock and key), and that I need some help. Stay tuned....this could get interesting.
Visited our son on Friday night....usual Friday night visit. His best friend took the trip down with us. He was very nervous going down, and confided in us that he was afraid that our son was being 'brainwashed' and he wouldn't be the same. Needless to say, he was very surprised that our son was not only the same, but back to being the way he was before the drugs took over his life. All in all it was a good visit. He has earned a 4 hour offsite for this coming weekend, and if we can swing it we are going to go visit him, take him out to lunch and go play some min-golf somewhere.....and try to act like a real family for a change.
Our son gave us a letter to give to our younger son, asking us not to read it. We gave the letter to our younger son on Sunday night and it opened up his emotional floodgates a bit. He REALLY misses his brother, more than we ever realized. My wife and I had to stop doing what we were doing around the house and spend some time calming him down because he was so upset. We are very glad he is seeing a psychologist himself once a month because he really needs a neutral person to listen to how he is feeling. We have to remember, that even though he is only 13 that this is very hard on him as well.
On a personal front, last week I finally made the call to see a therapist. I have discovered that as our son is doing better, I am doing worse. I find that my emotions range from normal to depression, feeling anxious, and sometimes non-functional......sometimes in the span of minutes or hours. All of the emotion, anger, and fear that naturally comes when your child has an addicition issue, problems with the law, and is in rehab is natural. However, I have been bottling it up for so long that it is slowly leaking out, which is having profound adverse effects on my emotional well-being. On Monday (yesterday) I had my intake interview with the head of the psychological association I am going to use and he will see which one of the doctors in his group will be the best fit for me. I need to get better. I cannot continue to live life not knowing what is going to trigger me into feeling so down, because when I get that way I am no good for my family, our older son as he gets better, and most of all to myself.
This is a horrible disease, that has intense fingers in more places than you can imagine. I have come to admit that I cannot do this alone anymore, that I cannot keep these emotions in check (under lock and key), and that I need some help. Stay tuned....this could get interesting.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Lots of visits over the last few days
We saw our son three times over the last four days, and while today was the most serious of the times, our conversations have begun to lead us to believe that he is getting this, that he understands the severity of his disease and the consequences of taking his foot off of the pedal.
On Friday night went down for our usual Friday night family session. My father and step-mother accompanied us......this was the first time they had seen our son since the beginning of May. It was an emotional visit and I believe they got alot out of the group session. Our son participated and contributed even more on Friday night....an indication (we hope) that his sharing of his experiences is helping him come to grips with everything he has done.
On Saturday we went down AGAIN in the afternoon. Our son had earned another family visit at his house. We went down with our younger son and my wife's mother, who also has not seen her grandson since May. It was again very emotional. We had a good visit talking with our son. The highlight of the day was finally meeting his sponsor (who was down at the house leading a group session). We liked this man, ALOT. He is helping our son work the 12 steps and is really pushing him hard to get all the work accomplished. This is a lifelong commitment and we are encouraged that he realizes this.
Today we went down again to pick him up at 7am. He had a court appearance at 9 in Newark. This was a plea conference and the prosecutor offerred a very good deal that our son will probably take (it will entail NO jail time...our biggest goal). We had some lunch afterwards and then drove him back to his house. During lunch and the drive to and from court we had some good conversations about his recovery, his plans for looking for a job as soon as he is given permission to do so by the recovery center, and his commitment to keep clean and away from the people, places, and things that could lead to a potential relapse. When we got him back to his house everyone had just returned for lunch and their afternoon sessions, and they were all happy to see Matt and encouraged by his news......and he was happy to see them, which gave us comfort that he is happy there and working the program.
Are we starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel? I am not sure, but his attitidue and his actions are starting to make us feel that this is a good possibility.
Fingers and toes crossed......
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Getting better and group power
Much better group family session this past Friday night. Our son was in a much better place mentally and really participated in some of the group discussions. He admitted, in one of the discussions, how much he lied to his brother about not using earlier this year. Perhaps we are starting to see the first signs that he is being honest with himself and admitting to himself that this problem is something that only he can control and fix. He still has a long way to go, and he knows it. Right now he has to keep believing he will get better. Of course, his (and our) anxiety level is high due to the upcoming court appearance(s). Once we can get through those (please god, no jail time) in relatively one piece we thing the real healing will begin.
The power of the group is unbelievable. I have said this before and will say it again. The only people who truly can understand what we are going through are those in the room with us on Friday night, the people in the room with us at our support group on Tuesday nights, and the millions of others in similar rooms in countless other places. We say and hear things, and do things, and cry, and laugh, and hug, and support each other, and are all there for each other in such a way that is almost without peer. These other family members ARE our support group, and without these total strangers I am not sure if we would be able to survive this disease that has put such a hole in our family's heart.
The power of the group is unbelievable. I have said this before and will say it again. The only people who truly can understand what we are going through are those in the room with us on Friday night, the people in the room with us at our support group on Tuesday nights, and the millions of others in similar rooms in countless other places. We say and hear things, and do things, and cry, and laugh, and hug, and support each other, and are all there for each other in such a way that is almost without peer. These other family members ARE our support group, and without these total strangers I am not sure if we would be able to survive this disease that has put such a hole in our family's heart.
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