A Marathon, not a sprint

The title of this says it all. Patience please. This is not all going to be decided and get great all at once. Baby steps as they say.

Very up and down week last week. On Wed we received a call from our son that his ride fell through at the last minute and he needed a ride to an interview at an Oxford House nearby. Oxford Houses are sober houses in which people (usually all of one sex and various ages) live in a house together and they are all committed to living a clean and drug/alcohol free lifestyle. This is the next step for our son as he transitions to life in the real world. He had no other way of getting there, and we didn't want him to lose the spot so I drove down and took him. However, 15 minutes after I dropped him off he called because he found out that the people in the house gave the room to someone else and forgot to call him. This was very fustrating to him because he thinks he is just going to make a call, go for a visit, and like magic he will have a new place to live. So, I had a nice 2 1/2 hour excursion, between driving down, getting him, driving him to the meeting, back to his house, and then home. All for nothing. It may be a good thing though. Even though the house was right near a train station, our son has heard that people are using there and he told us he does not want to put himself in that situation.

On Friday we had our usual family session with the other families. It went well and we had a chance to talk to our son about being persistent, making the calls, and doing the work to get into one of the various houses within 30 minutes of where he is now. He has to do the work, not us. He told us he has some tentative meetings set up this week, so we have to wait and see how that goes. We reminded him that this is HIS work and that if he wants to leave and move to the next part of his recovery that it is up to him to make the arrangements. We took our younger son to the session this week, and he got alot out of it, and it was good for the boys to see each other (even though they have seen alot of each other recently due to our off-site visits). We wanted our younger son to see that there is no mystery or secrets about these sessions, and that there are ALOT of other families in the same situation as us.

On Monday (two days ago) we had his final court date scheduled for his 'sentencing'.....probation. We drove down to pick him up, drove to Newark, and waited with everyone else, only to be told at 9:30 that the judge was not coming in and that all of the cases would be re-scheduled. So....we drove him back down south, then we went home again. A five hour excursion for nothing. Of course, it gave us a chance to spend time with our son and re-emphasize the message that if he wants to get out soon, he has to make the arrangements.

Our anxiety is high right now, and I have to remember that this is a marathon and not a sprint. I have to remember that this is his life and his problems and all we can do (and should do so we don't enable him) is offer advice and our opinions. Life is not easy for an addict, and once you as a parent make it easier for them, they will let you do all the work. I also need to keep reminding myself that I cannot fix all of his problems. As a parent with a child in need this is very hard to do, and probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. As a parent you want to step forward and help them, but this is the worst thing you can do for them. The parent of an addict in trouble needs to step BACK, as this is the only way they will learn from their mistakes.

Stay tuned.