Last week was a good week for our son, despite the delay in the final court date.
On Tuesday I drove him to an interview at a sober house in Port Reading (right next to Woodbridge). At first I was not sure this was a good location, but after I looked at it I realized the house was only one mile from the train station, and he can take the train to his meetings, to Matawan to walk to Keyport for outpatient, and to other towns such as Redbank, Hazlet, etc, to look for work. He was in the house there for about 45 minutes and they voted him in. He really liked the house, and the guys in it. They were older (30's and 40's) and more committed and further along in their recovery.
On Wednesday he went on his own to Bradley Beach to another sober house, but he didn't like it. The house as nicer, but there were more people in it, and they were younger (all about his age) and he felt they were not as committed to their recovery as he would like, and less further along.
He therefore decided on moving into the sober house in Port Reading, with the move date set for 10/30.
Friday was an interesting day/evening. We first met with our son and his counselor to go over his discharge from the in-patient program and discuss things like his move, a budget, looking for a job, etc. He agreed that two sessions a week of outpatient would be fine, and it would give him more time to look for work, and hopefully work. We went over a budget possibility and while we were not in total agreement with all of the numbers we are at least in the same ballpark. Until he gets a job we are going to have to pay for all of his expenses (rent, food, cigarettes, transportation) and then will probably still have to help him out when he does find work. However, even if we have to pay the whole thing for awhile it will still be alot cheaper than him staying where he currently is ($200 a day now compared to $150 a week rent plus living expenses).
Everything went well until he asked for his laptop and a TV. We told him not yet. He was not happy. Our rationale is that we don't want him segregating himself in his room at the house. The house has a big-screen TV in the living room and a computer in the den for everyone to use. He wants the laptop for his music, and so he can start recording again. We told him he WILL get it, but not until he settles in at the house, can prove to us that he can lead a sober life, and finds a job. He was not happy, but eventually accepted out decision.
After the session with his counselor we went out to dinner and then instead of going to the family session went to one of the NA/CA meetings he goes to. This was excellent for us because it gave us a chance to meet some of the people that are in his support network....the people that he sees at the meetings most nights. While we did not learn anything new at the meeting, we did see how well some people are doing in their recovery (which gives us hope for our son's continued success in his recovery) and it reminded us that more people should do what we did. People who do not have a family member in recovery truly do not understand the disease of addiction. If they were to go to some of these meetings that would see that these recovering addicts are normal people, just like everyone else.
That's all for now. We help him move on Friday night, and then our anxiety level will increase because he will be on his own, which of course he had to get to eventually.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
A Marathon, not a sprint
The title of this says it all. Patience please. This is not all going to be decided and get great all at once. Baby steps as they say.
Very up and down week last week. On Wed we received a call from our son that his ride fell through at the last minute and he needed a ride to an interview at an Oxford House nearby. Oxford Houses are sober houses in which people (usually all of one sex and various ages) live in a house together and they are all committed to living a clean and drug/alcohol free lifestyle. This is the next step for our son as he transitions to life in the real world. He had no other way of getting there, and we didn't want him to lose the spot so I drove down and took him. However, 15 minutes after I dropped him off he called because he found out that the people in the house gave the room to someone else and forgot to call him. This was very fustrating to him because he thinks he is just going to make a call, go for a visit, and like magic he will have a new place to live. So, I had a nice 2 1/2 hour excursion, between driving down, getting him, driving him to the meeting, back to his house, and then home. All for nothing. It may be a good thing though. Even though the house was right near a train station, our son has heard that people are using there and he told us he does not want to put himself in that situation.
On Friday we had our usual family session with the other families. It went well and we had a chance to talk to our son about being persistent, making the calls, and doing the work to get into one of the various houses within 30 minutes of where he is now. He has to do the work, not us. He told us he has some tentative meetings set up this week, so we have to wait and see how that goes. We reminded him that this is HIS work and that if he wants to leave and move to the next part of his recovery that it is up to him to make the arrangements. We took our younger son to the session this week, and he got alot out of it, and it was good for the boys to see each other (even though they have seen alot of each other recently due to our off-site visits). We wanted our younger son to see that there is no mystery or secrets about these sessions, and that there are ALOT of other families in the same situation as us.
On Monday (two days ago) we had his final court date scheduled for his 'sentencing'.....probation. We drove down to pick him up, drove to Newark, and waited with everyone else, only to be told at 9:30 that the judge was not coming in and that all of the cases would be re-scheduled. So....we drove him back down south, then we went home again. A five hour excursion for nothing. Of course, it gave us a chance to spend time with our son and re-emphasize the message that if he wants to get out soon, he has to make the arrangements.
Our anxiety is high right now, and I have to remember that this is a marathon and not a sprint. I have to remember that this is his life and his problems and all we can do (and should do so we don't enable him) is offer advice and our opinions. Life is not easy for an addict, and once you as a parent make it easier for them, they will let you do all the work. I also need to keep reminding myself that I cannot fix all of his problems. As a parent with a child in need this is very hard to do, and probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. As a parent you want to step forward and help them, but this is the worst thing you can do for them. The parent of an addict in trouble needs to step BACK, as this is the only way they will learn from their mistakes.
Stay tuned.
Very up and down week last week. On Wed we received a call from our son that his ride fell through at the last minute and he needed a ride to an interview at an Oxford House nearby. Oxford Houses are sober houses in which people (usually all of one sex and various ages) live in a house together and they are all committed to living a clean and drug/alcohol free lifestyle. This is the next step for our son as he transitions to life in the real world. He had no other way of getting there, and we didn't want him to lose the spot so I drove down and took him. However, 15 minutes after I dropped him off he called because he found out that the people in the house gave the room to someone else and forgot to call him. This was very fustrating to him because he thinks he is just going to make a call, go for a visit, and like magic he will have a new place to live. So, I had a nice 2 1/2 hour excursion, between driving down, getting him, driving him to the meeting, back to his house, and then home. All for nothing. It may be a good thing though. Even though the house was right near a train station, our son has heard that people are using there and he told us he does not want to put himself in that situation.
On Friday we had our usual family session with the other families. It went well and we had a chance to talk to our son about being persistent, making the calls, and doing the work to get into one of the various houses within 30 minutes of where he is now. He has to do the work, not us. He told us he has some tentative meetings set up this week, so we have to wait and see how that goes. We reminded him that this is HIS work and that if he wants to leave and move to the next part of his recovery that it is up to him to make the arrangements. We took our younger son to the session this week, and he got alot out of it, and it was good for the boys to see each other (even though they have seen alot of each other recently due to our off-site visits). We wanted our younger son to see that there is no mystery or secrets about these sessions, and that there are ALOT of other families in the same situation as us.
On Monday (two days ago) we had his final court date scheduled for his 'sentencing'.....probation. We drove down to pick him up, drove to Newark, and waited with everyone else, only to be told at 9:30 that the judge was not coming in and that all of the cases would be re-scheduled. So....we drove him back down south, then we went home again. A five hour excursion for nothing. Of course, it gave us a chance to spend time with our son and re-emphasize the message that if he wants to get out soon, he has to make the arrangements.
Our anxiety is high right now, and I have to remember that this is a marathon and not a sprint. I have to remember that this is his life and his problems and all we can do (and should do so we don't enable him) is offer advice and our opinions. Life is not easy for an addict, and once you as a parent make it easier for them, they will let you do all the work. I also need to keep reminding myself that I cannot fix all of his problems. As a parent with a child in need this is very hard to do, and probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. As a parent you want to step forward and help them, but this is the worst thing you can do for them. The parent of an addict in trouble needs to step BACK, as this is the only way they will learn from their mistakes.
Stay tuned.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Earning and learning
Just a short update.
We did not see our son at the Friday night family session. We had other plans, which is healthy for us as a family. We are learning that these visits are healthy for us and our son, and if he continues to do the hard work to beat his addiction he will earn more of them, and he will learn that good things come to those who work hard.
We did go see him on Saturday for the day. He earned an 8 hour offsite so we picked him up, did some drive bys of some sober houses that he may move into next. After that we took a drive down to LBI for the afternoon, had lunch at one of our favorite restaurants, walked on the beach a bit, did some shopping (great sales right now down there) and before we knew it the day had passed and we had to get him back, but not before stopping for some great pizza.
All in all it was a good day. We got a chance to act like a normal family and we were able to have some frank discussions about his addiction, his future, and how much he has grown. We truly believe he wants to do better, that he wants to kick this and is committed to working hard to do so. Only time will tell because he will always have that monkey on his shoulder, urging him to use. We just hope he has the tools to continue moving forward.
Next steps for him are to arrange interviews at some of the nearby sober houses, and figure out the logistics of getting there and back, and how he will get to his meetings, out-patient, and work once he moves. This work is ALL on him because if we did it for him he will learn nothing, and his disease would get the message and mommy and daddy will make things easy for him. He has to EARN his move out of the treatment facility and into a sober house, and his has to earn it by doing the work himself.
We did not see our son at the Friday night family session. We had other plans, which is healthy for us as a family. We are learning that these visits are healthy for us and our son, and if he continues to do the hard work to beat his addiction he will earn more of them, and he will learn that good things come to those who work hard.
We did go see him on Saturday for the day. He earned an 8 hour offsite so we picked him up, did some drive bys of some sober houses that he may move into next. After that we took a drive down to LBI for the afternoon, had lunch at one of our favorite restaurants, walked on the beach a bit, did some shopping (great sales right now down there) and before we knew it the day had passed and we had to get him back, but not before stopping for some great pizza.
All in all it was a good day. We got a chance to act like a normal family and we were able to have some frank discussions about his addiction, his future, and how much he has grown. We truly believe he wants to do better, that he wants to kick this and is committed to working hard to do so. Only time will tell because he will always have that monkey on his shoulder, urging him to use. We just hope he has the tools to continue moving forward.
Next steps for him are to arrange interviews at some of the nearby sober houses, and figure out the logistics of getting there and back, and how he will get to his meetings, out-patient, and work once he moves. This work is ALL on him because if we did it for him he will learn nothing, and his disease would get the message and mommy and daddy will make things easy for him. He has to EARN his move out of the treatment facility and into a sober house, and his has to earn it by doing the work himself.
Monday, October 5, 2009
It works if you work it so work it you're worth it
Words that are so profound, so simple, but if you really pay attention to them they mean so much. They are actually part of a slightly longer statement that goes like this:
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it, you're worth it!"
At the end of our meetings with the family/client group where our son is, and at the end of our meeting with our parent support group that my wife and I go to, AND at the end of every AA, NA, CA, etc meeting these simple words are said, and for many people they are the most important words they can see that day. Wherever people are that say these words at the end of their meeting, they join their hands together in a fellowship that I have rarely seem before and say the words like they are the last words they will ever say. If you follow those words, if you can believe in those words, then you (whether or not you are an addict or a co-dependent family member) will have the strength to live each day and you will be able to face the horrible challenges that the disease of addiction puts on you. I know, because I am beginning to see how believing in these words have helped my family, and most imporantly, my son.
We saw our son twice this past weekend. On Friday we went down to the treatment center to meet with him and his counselor to begin planning his exit strategy. The meeting went very well and we were very impressed with his dedication to keeping himself in his recovery group, staying in the area to be with his recovery network, and doing the work necessary for him to move into a sober house. His counselor told us that he is participating alot in group sessions, has become a mentor to others, and is making the right choices with who he hangs around with outside of the formal sessions. This disease is all about choices, and making the correct ones is very important. My wife is finally feeling that he is truly turning the corner, that there is hope and that there is a chance that he will succeed with his recovery. We are sure that life will throw him curves, but as long as he lives but the words written above, and knows how to handle problems without resorting to drugs, then he will succeed. More importantly, if he DOES have a slip, he knows what he has to do to make sure it does not happen again. Overall, it was a good meeting, and then a very strong family session in the evening with the other families. Keep coming back, over and over, because that is the only way we will all get better.
On Saturday we went down again, this time with my mom and step-father (who have NOT seen our son since he went away). We picked him up and took him out to lunch (with our younger son as well). It was a very good visit and they were very impressed by how well our son is doing, and how far he has come since he has been in the treatment program. This was the first time the six of us have all been together in months, and while it was an emotional day, it was a good day, not only for our son's grand-parents, but for my wife and I was well. Our family is starting to come back together again, and there is nothing wrong with that at all. The boys had a nice visit as well, with our sons having a chance to talk about some things on their own.
It works if you work it..... keep coming back..... you're worth it... Recovery is not easy, but I am starting to believe that the harder you work at this the greater your chances of success. I hope that we (my family) is one of the lucky success stories. Only time will tell. We all still have a long road in our recovery, and the path is still open. That is all I can ask for.
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it, you're worth it!"
At the end of our meetings with the family/client group where our son is, and at the end of our meeting with our parent support group that my wife and I go to, AND at the end of every AA, NA, CA, etc meeting these simple words are said, and for many people they are the most important words they can see that day. Wherever people are that say these words at the end of their meeting, they join their hands together in a fellowship that I have rarely seem before and say the words like they are the last words they will ever say. If you follow those words, if you can believe in those words, then you (whether or not you are an addict or a co-dependent family member) will have the strength to live each day and you will be able to face the horrible challenges that the disease of addiction puts on you. I know, because I am beginning to see how believing in these words have helped my family, and most imporantly, my son.
We saw our son twice this past weekend. On Friday we went down to the treatment center to meet with him and his counselor to begin planning his exit strategy. The meeting went very well and we were very impressed with his dedication to keeping himself in his recovery group, staying in the area to be with his recovery network, and doing the work necessary for him to move into a sober house. His counselor told us that he is participating alot in group sessions, has become a mentor to others, and is making the right choices with who he hangs around with outside of the formal sessions. This disease is all about choices, and making the correct ones is very important. My wife is finally feeling that he is truly turning the corner, that there is hope and that there is a chance that he will succeed with his recovery. We are sure that life will throw him curves, but as long as he lives but the words written above, and knows how to handle problems without resorting to drugs, then he will succeed. More importantly, if he DOES have a slip, he knows what he has to do to make sure it does not happen again. Overall, it was a good meeting, and then a very strong family session in the evening with the other families. Keep coming back, over and over, because that is the only way we will all get better.
On Saturday we went down again, this time with my mom and step-father (who have NOT seen our son since he went away). We picked him up and took him out to lunch (with our younger son as well). It was a very good visit and they were very impressed by how well our son is doing, and how far he has come since he has been in the treatment program. This was the first time the six of us have all been together in months, and while it was an emotional day, it was a good day, not only for our son's grand-parents, but for my wife and I was well. Our family is starting to come back together again, and there is nothing wrong with that at all. The boys had a nice visit as well, with our sons having a chance to talk about some things on their own.
It works if you work it..... keep coming back..... you're worth it... Recovery is not easy, but I am starting to believe that the harder you work at this the greater your chances of success. I hope that we (my family) is one of the lucky success stories. Only time will tell. We all still have a long road in our recovery, and the path is still open. That is all I can ask for.
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