Wow. I can't believe its been almost a month since my last post. I guess that means things are actually going ok. Quiet is good. Quiet is no problems and no action, which is good.
We have to remember that life can be broken down into simple terms at times. He is not using right now, he is not in jail, and he is still alive. Anything else right now is a bonus.
In the last few weeks there have been somethings going on, but nothing bad. Our son moved into a Sober House and that went well. We helped him with the move and he has settled down there. He is looking for a job and going to meetings and doing what he can to keep busy. He had his final court date and that went as expected with only two years probation. He has done the things we asked him to do on his own....make an appt with a dr, make sure he gets to his probation meeting, etc...so we are hoping that he is starting to grow up a little bit and learn some responsibility. He is learning how to get around without a car (trains, busses, and rides from friends).
Two weeks ago he actually came home for a visit with his sponsor. We invited them over for dinner. It went well and at the end of the night we drove him back home.
Therefore, I can't complain. We just need to find a way to not worry about him, and that is part of our own recovery.
I'll try to post more, but I am just tired all the time and just can't seem to find the effort. I think my own recovery will help with that.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Baby setps, but hopefully good steps
Last week was a good week for our son, despite the delay in the final court date.
On Tuesday I drove him to an interview at a sober house in Port Reading (right next to Woodbridge). At first I was not sure this was a good location, but after I looked at it I realized the house was only one mile from the train station, and he can take the train to his meetings, to Matawan to walk to Keyport for outpatient, and to other towns such as Redbank, Hazlet, etc, to look for work. He was in the house there for about 45 minutes and they voted him in. He really liked the house, and the guys in it. They were older (30's and 40's) and more committed and further along in their recovery.
On Wednesday he went on his own to Bradley Beach to another sober house, but he didn't like it. The house as nicer, but there were more people in it, and they were younger (all about his age) and he felt they were not as committed to their recovery as he would like, and less further along.
He therefore decided on moving into the sober house in Port Reading, with the move date set for 10/30.
Friday was an interesting day/evening. We first met with our son and his counselor to go over his discharge from the in-patient program and discuss things like his move, a budget, looking for a job, etc. He agreed that two sessions a week of outpatient would be fine, and it would give him more time to look for work, and hopefully work. We went over a budget possibility and while we were not in total agreement with all of the numbers we are at least in the same ballpark. Until he gets a job we are going to have to pay for all of his expenses (rent, food, cigarettes, transportation) and then will probably still have to help him out when he does find work. However, even if we have to pay the whole thing for awhile it will still be alot cheaper than him staying where he currently is ($200 a day now compared to $150 a week rent plus living expenses).
Everything went well until he asked for his laptop and a TV. We told him not yet. He was not happy. Our rationale is that we don't want him segregating himself in his room at the house. The house has a big-screen TV in the living room and a computer in the den for everyone to use. He wants the laptop for his music, and so he can start recording again. We told him he WILL get it, but not until he settles in at the house, can prove to us that he can lead a sober life, and finds a job. He was not happy, but eventually accepted out decision.
After the session with his counselor we went out to dinner and then instead of going to the family session went to one of the NA/CA meetings he goes to. This was excellent for us because it gave us a chance to meet some of the people that are in his support network....the people that he sees at the meetings most nights. While we did not learn anything new at the meeting, we did see how well some people are doing in their recovery (which gives us hope for our son's continued success in his recovery) and it reminded us that more people should do what we did. People who do not have a family member in recovery truly do not understand the disease of addiction. If they were to go to some of these meetings that would see that these recovering addicts are normal people, just like everyone else.
That's all for now. We help him move on Friday night, and then our anxiety level will increase because he will be on his own, which of course he had to get to eventually.
On Tuesday I drove him to an interview at a sober house in Port Reading (right next to Woodbridge). At first I was not sure this was a good location, but after I looked at it I realized the house was only one mile from the train station, and he can take the train to his meetings, to Matawan to walk to Keyport for outpatient, and to other towns such as Redbank, Hazlet, etc, to look for work. He was in the house there for about 45 minutes and they voted him in. He really liked the house, and the guys in it. They were older (30's and 40's) and more committed and further along in their recovery.
On Wednesday he went on his own to Bradley Beach to another sober house, but he didn't like it. The house as nicer, but there were more people in it, and they were younger (all about his age) and he felt they were not as committed to their recovery as he would like, and less further along.
He therefore decided on moving into the sober house in Port Reading, with the move date set for 10/30.
Friday was an interesting day/evening. We first met with our son and his counselor to go over his discharge from the in-patient program and discuss things like his move, a budget, looking for a job, etc. He agreed that two sessions a week of outpatient would be fine, and it would give him more time to look for work, and hopefully work. We went over a budget possibility and while we were not in total agreement with all of the numbers we are at least in the same ballpark. Until he gets a job we are going to have to pay for all of his expenses (rent, food, cigarettes, transportation) and then will probably still have to help him out when he does find work. However, even if we have to pay the whole thing for awhile it will still be alot cheaper than him staying where he currently is ($200 a day now compared to $150 a week rent plus living expenses).
Everything went well until he asked for his laptop and a TV. We told him not yet. He was not happy. Our rationale is that we don't want him segregating himself in his room at the house. The house has a big-screen TV in the living room and a computer in the den for everyone to use. He wants the laptop for his music, and so he can start recording again. We told him he WILL get it, but not until he settles in at the house, can prove to us that he can lead a sober life, and finds a job. He was not happy, but eventually accepted out decision.
After the session with his counselor we went out to dinner and then instead of going to the family session went to one of the NA/CA meetings he goes to. This was excellent for us because it gave us a chance to meet some of the people that are in his support network....the people that he sees at the meetings most nights. While we did not learn anything new at the meeting, we did see how well some people are doing in their recovery (which gives us hope for our son's continued success in his recovery) and it reminded us that more people should do what we did. People who do not have a family member in recovery truly do not understand the disease of addiction. If they were to go to some of these meetings that would see that these recovering addicts are normal people, just like everyone else.
That's all for now. We help him move on Friday night, and then our anxiety level will increase because he will be on his own, which of course he had to get to eventually.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
A Marathon, not a sprint
The title of this says it all. Patience please. This is not all going to be decided and get great all at once. Baby steps as they say.
Very up and down week last week. On Wed we received a call from our son that his ride fell through at the last minute and he needed a ride to an interview at an Oxford House nearby. Oxford Houses are sober houses in which people (usually all of one sex and various ages) live in a house together and they are all committed to living a clean and drug/alcohol free lifestyle. This is the next step for our son as he transitions to life in the real world. He had no other way of getting there, and we didn't want him to lose the spot so I drove down and took him. However, 15 minutes after I dropped him off he called because he found out that the people in the house gave the room to someone else and forgot to call him. This was very fustrating to him because he thinks he is just going to make a call, go for a visit, and like magic he will have a new place to live. So, I had a nice 2 1/2 hour excursion, between driving down, getting him, driving him to the meeting, back to his house, and then home. All for nothing. It may be a good thing though. Even though the house was right near a train station, our son has heard that people are using there and he told us he does not want to put himself in that situation.
On Friday we had our usual family session with the other families. It went well and we had a chance to talk to our son about being persistent, making the calls, and doing the work to get into one of the various houses within 30 minutes of where he is now. He has to do the work, not us. He told us he has some tentative meetings set up this week, so we have to wait and see how that goes. We reminded him that this is HIS work and that if he wants to leave and move to the next part of his recovery that it is up to him to make the arrangements. We took our younger son to the session this week, and he got alot out of it, and it was good for the boys to see each other (even though they have seen alot of each other recently due to our off-site visits). We wanted our younger son to see that there is no mystery or secrets about these sessions, and that there are ALOT of other families in the same situation as us.
On Monday (two days ago) we had his final court date scheduled for his 'sentencing'.....probation. We drove down to pick him up, drove to Newark, and waited with everyone else, only to be told at 9:30 that the judge was not coming in and that all of the cases would be re-scheduled. So....we drove him back down south, then we went home again. A five hour excursion for nothing. Of course, it gave us a chance to spend time with our son and re-emphasize the message that if he wants to get out soon, he has to make the arrangements.
Our anxiety is high right now, and I have to remember that this is a marathon and not a sprint. I have to remember that this is his life and his problems and all we can do (and should do so we don't enable him) is offer advice and our opinions. Life is not easy for an addict, and once you as a parent make it easier for them, they will let you do all the work. I also need to keep reminding myself that I cannot fix all of his problems. As a parent with a child in need this is very hard to do, and probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. As a parent you want to step forward and help them, but this is the worst thing you can do for them. The parent of an addict in trouble needs to step BACK, as this is the only way they will learn from their mistakes.
Stay tuned.
Very up and down week last week. On Wed we received a call from our son that his ride fell through at the last minute and he needed a ride to an interview at an Oxford House nearby. Oxford Houses are sober houses in which people (usually all of one sex and various ages) live in a house together and they are all committed to living a clean and drug/alcohol free lifestyle. This is the next step for our son as he transitions to life in the real world. He had no other way of getting there, and we didn't want him to lose the spot so I drove down and took him. However, 15 minutes after I dropped him off he called because he found out that the people in the house gave the room to someone else and forgot to call him. This was very fustrating to him because he thinks he is just going to make a call, go for a visit, and like magic he will have a new place to live. So, I had a nice 2 1/2 hour excursion, between driving down, getting him, driving him to the meeting, back to his house, and then home. All for nothing. It may be a good thing though. Even though the house was right near a train station, our son has heard that people are using there and he told us he does not want to put himself in that situation.
On Friday we had our usual family session with the other families. It went well and we had a chance to talk to our son about being persistent, making the calls, and doing the work to get into one of the various houses within 30 minutes of where he is now. He has to do the work, not us. He told us he has some tentative meetings set up this week, so we have to wait and see how that goes. We reminded him that this is HIS work and that if he wants to leave and move to the next part of his recovery that it is up to him to make the arrangements. We took our younger son to the session this week, and he got alot out of it, and it was good for the boys to see each other (even though they have seen alot of each other recently due to our off-site visits). We wanted our younger son to see that there is no mystery or secrets about these sessions, and that there are ALOT of other families in the same situation as us.
On Monday (two days ago) we had his final court date scheduled for his 'sentencing'.....probation. We drove down to pick him up, drove to Newark, and waited with everyone else, only to be told at 9:30 that the judge was not coming in and that all of the cases would be re-scheduled. So....we drove him back down south, then we went home again. A five hour excursion for nothing. Of course, it gave us a chance to spend time with our son and re-emphasize the message that if he wants to get out soon, he has to make the arrangements.
Our anxiety is high right now, and I have to remember that this is a marathon and not a sprint. I have to remember that this is his life and his problems and all we can do (and should do so we don't enable him) is offer advice and our opinions. Life is not easy for an addict, and once you as a parent make it easier for them, they will let you do all the work. I also need to keep reminding myself that I cannot fix all of his problems. As a parent with a child in need this is very hard to do, and probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. As a parent you want to step forward and help them, but this is the worst thing you can do for them. The parent of an addict in trouble needs to step BACK, as this is the only way they will learn from their mistakes.
Stay tuned.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Earning and learning
Just a short update.
We did not see our son at the Friday night family session. We had other plans, which is healthy for us as a family. We are learning that these visits are healthy for us and our son, and if he continues to do the hard work to beat his addiction he will earn more of them, and he will learn that good things come to those who work hard.
We did go see him on Saturday for the day. He earned an 8 hour offsite so we picked him up, did some drive bys of some sober houses that he may move into next. After that we took a drive down to LBI for the afternoon, had lunch at one of our favorite restaurants, walked on the beach a bit, did some shopping (great sales right now down there) and before we knew it the day had passed and we had to get him back, but not before stopping for some great pizza.
All in all it was a good day. We got a chance to act like a normal family and we were able to have some frank discussions about his addiction, his future, and how much he has grown. We truly believe he wants to do better, that he wants to kick this and is committed to working hard to do so. Only time will tell because he will always have that monkey on his shoulder, urging him to use. We just hope he has the tools to continue moving forward.
Next steps for him are to arrange interviews at some of the nearby sober houses, and figure out the logistics of getting there and back, and how he will get to his meetings, out-patient, and work once he moves. This work is ALL on him because if we did it for him he will learn nothing, and his disease would get the message and mommy and daddy will make things easy for him. He has to EARN his move out of the treatment facility and into a sober house, and his has to earn it by doing the work himself.
We did not see our son at the Friday night family session. We had other plans, which is healthy for us as a family. We are learning that these visits are healthy for us and our son, and if he continues to do the hard work to beat his addiction he will earn more of them, and he will learn that good things come to those who work hard.
We did go see him on Saturday for the day. He earned an 8 hour offsite so we picked him up, did some drive bys of some sober houses that he may move into next. After that we took a drive down to LBI for the afternoon, had lunch at one of our favorite restaurants, walked on the beach a bit, did some shopping (great sales right now down there) and before we knew it the day had passed and we had to get him back, but not before stopping for some great pizza.
All in all it was a good day. We got a chance to act like a normal family and we were able to have some frank discussions about his addiction, his future, and how much he has grown. We truly believe he wants to do better, that he wants to kick this and is committed to working hard to do so. Only time will tell because he will always have that monkey on his shoulder, urging him to use. We just hope he has the tools to continue moving forward.
Next steps for him are to arrange interviews at some of the nearby sober houses, and figure out the logistics of getting there and back, and how he will get to his meetings, out-patient, and work once he moves. This work is ALL on him because if we did it for him he will learn nothing, and his disease would get the message and mommy and daddy will make things easy for him. He has to EARN his move out of the treatment facility and into a sober house, and his has to earn it by doing the work himself.
Monday, October 5, 2009
It works if you work it so work it you're worth it
Words that are so profound, so simple, but if you really pay attention to them they mean so much. They are actually part of a slightly longer statement that goes like this:
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it, you're worth it!"
At the end of our meetings with the family/client group where our son is, and at the end of our meeting with our parent support group that my wife and I go to, AND at the end of every AA, NA, CA, etc meeting these simple words are said, and for many people they are the most important words they can see that day. Wherever people are that say these words at the end of their meeting, they join their hands together in a fellowship that I have rarely seem before and say the words like they are the last words they will ever say. If you follow those words, if you can believe in those words, then you (whether or not you are an addict or a co-dependent family member) will have the strength to live each day and you will be able to face the horrible challenges that the disease of addiction puts on you. I know, because I am beginning to see how believing in these words have helped my family, and most imporantly, my son.
We saw our son twice this past weekend. On Friday we went down to the treatment center to meet with him and his counselor to begin planning his exit strategy. The meeting went very well and we were very impressed with his dedication to keeping himself in his recovery group, staying in the area to be with his recovery network, and doing the work necessary for him to move into a sober house. His counselor told us that he is participating alot in group sessions, has become a mentor to others, and is making the right choices with who he hangs around with outside of the formal sessions. This disease is all about choices, and making the correct ones is very important. My wife is finally feeling that he is truly turning the corner, that there is hope and that there is a chance that he will succeed with his recovery. We are sure that life will throw him curves, but as long as he lives but the words written above, and knows how to handle problems without resorting to drugs, then he will succeed. More importantly, if he DOES have a slip, he knows what he has to do to make sure it does not happen again. Overall, it was a good meeting, and then a very strong family session in the evening with the other families. Keep coming back, over and over, because that is the only way we will all get better.
On Saturday we went down again, this time with my mom and step-father (who have NOT seen our son since he went away). We picked him up and took him out to lunch (with our younger son as well). It was a very good visit and they were very impressed by how well our son is doing, and how far he has come since he has been in the treatment program. This was the first time the six of us have all been together in months, and while it was an emotional day, it was a good day, not only for our son's grand-parents, but for my wife and I was well. Our family is starting to come back together again, and there is nothing wrong with that at all. The boys had a nice visit as well, with our sons having a chance to talk about some things on their own.
It works if you work it..... keep coming back..... you're worth it... Recovery is not easy, but I am starting to believe that the harder you work at this the greater your chances of success. I hope that we (my family) is one of the lucky success stories. Only time will tell. We all still have a long road in our recovery, and the path is still open. That is all I can ask for.
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it, you're worth it!"
At the end of our meetings with the family/client group where our son is, and at the end of our meeting with our parent support group that my wife and I go to, AND at the end of every AA, NA, CA, etc meeting these simple words are said, and for many people they are the most important words they can see that day. Wherever people are that say these words at the end of their meeting, they join their hands together in a fellowship that I have rarely seem before and say the words like they are the last words they will ever say. If you follow those words, if you can believe in those words, then you (whether or not you are an addict or a co-dependent family member) will have the strength to live each day and you will be able to face the horrible challenges that the disease of addiction puts on you. I know, because I am beginning to see how believing in these words have helped my family, and most imporantly, my son.
We saw our son twice this past weekend. On Friday we went down to the treatment center to meet with him and his counselor to begin planning his exit strategy. The meeting went very well and we were very impressed with his dedication to keeping himself in his recovery group, staying in the area to be with his recovery network, and doing the work necessary for him to move into a sober house. His counselor told us that he is participating alot in group sessions, has become a mentor to others, and is making the right choices with who he hangs around with outside of the formal sessions. This disease is all about choices, and making the correct ones is very important. My wife is finally feeling that he is truly turning the corner, that there is hope and that there is a chance that he will succeed with his recovery. We are sure that life will throw him curves, but as long as he lives but the words written above, and knows how to handle problems without resorting to drugs, then he will succeed. More importantly, if he DOES have a slip, he knows what he has to do to make sure it does not happen again. Overall, it was a good meeting, and then a very strong family session in the evening with the other families. Keep coming back, over and over, because that is the only way we will all get better.
On Saturday we went down again, this time with my mom and step-father (who have NOT seen our son since he went away). We picked him up and took him out to lunch (with our younger son as well). It was a very good visit and they were very impressed by how well our son is doing, and how far he has come since he has been in the treatment program. This was the first time the six of us have all been together in months, and while it was an emotional day, it was a good day, not only for our son's grand-parents, but for my wife and I was well. Our family is starting to come back together again, and there is nothing wrong with that at all. The boys had a nice visit as well, with our sons having a chance to talk about some things on their own.
It works if you work it..... keep coming back..... you're worth it... Recovery is not easy, but I am starting to believe that the harder you work at this the greater your chances of success. I hope that we (my family) is one of the lucky success stories. Only time will tell. We all still have a long road in our recovery, and the path is still open. That is all I can ask for.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Moving towards the next phase......
Wow. Another two week period without a post. I guess that is a good thing. Actually, there was really nothing to say because until this past Friday we hadn't seen our son since the probation dept meeting (just me) and the 24 hours from hell (both of us).
We went down to visit him and attend the family session last Friday night. I was doing rather well most of the week until about 2pm on Friday when I realized the addiction was right in front of me again. It was nice not having to deal with it for a few weeks. Even though his disease is always a part of our life, not having it right in front of us was a nice change. My wife and I talked about it and think this is a good thing, that having the disease swing back and forth into our life means that it is either getting easier to deal with or we are able to push it (and keep it) aside for longer periods of time.
Anyway....the family session was good, and our son seems to be making greater strides in his recovery. We talked a bit and he told us (in a very good manner) that he feels he is done there, and ready to move on to the next step (which will be a sober house down in the area where he is). We have been feeling this for awhile, and when I spoke with one of his counselors on the side on Friday night she said the same thing. Our son has been there for 17 weeks now (I don't even want to THINK about how much this has cost us) and eventually he has to move on, move away from the nice, safe, sheltered environment that he is in and live out in the real world. Fortunately, he knows that moving back home is not the best idea for him (for the near future) and that he needs to stay in the area where he is because that is where is support network is. I know that our anxiety level will increase when he moves out, but he has to do this eventually. We just hope he has developed the necessary tools to lead a drug-free life, that he rely's on his support network, and that we can cope with whatever issues may come our way.
Our next steps are fairly easy right now. We are meeting with him and his counselor on Friday night before the next family session, where we will discuss his progress and his next steps, come up with a time line (nothing can occur until after the Oct 19 sentencing anyway), and make sure that he is converting and not being compliant.
On Saturday we are going down to see him again, this time with my mom and step-father, who have not seen him since Mothers day. We are going to take him out to lunch, and it should be an emotional get-together, but a good one.
In the meantime, we are still going to our parent support group one night a week and that is helping us alot.
I will post after our Friday night and Saturday afternoon visits. Stay tuned.
We went down to visit him and attend the family session last Friday night. I was doing rather well most of the week until about 2pm on Friday when I realized the addiction was right in front of me again. It was nice not having to deal with it for a few weeks. Even though his disease is always a part of our life, not having it right in front of us was a nice change. My wife and I talked about it and think this is a good thing, that having the disease swing back and forth into our life means that it is either getting easier to deal with or we are able to push it (and keep it) aside for longer periods of time.
Anyway....the family session was good, and our son seems to be making greater strides in his recovery. We talked a bit and he told us (in a very good manner) that he feels he is done there, and ready to move on to the next step (which will be a sober house down in the area where he is). We have been feeling this for awhile, and when I spoke with one of his counselors on the side on Friday night she said the same thing. Our son has been there for 17 weeks now (I don't even want to THINK about how much this has cost us) and eventually he has to move on, move away from the nice, safe, sheltered environment that he is in and live out in the real world. Fortunately, he knows that moving back home is not the best idea for him (for the near future) and that he needs to stay in the area where he is because that is where is support network is. I know that our anxiety level will increase when he moves out, but he has to do this eventually. We just hope he has developed the necessary tools to lead a drug-free life, that he rely's on his support network, and that we can cope with whatever issues may come our way.
Our next steps are fairly easy right now. We are meeting with him and his counselor on Friday night before the next family session, where we will discuss his progress and his next steps, come up with a time line (nothing can occur until after the Oct 19 sentencing anyway), and make sure that he is converting and not being compliant.
On Saturday we are going down to see him again, this time with my mom and step-father, who have not seen him since Mothers day. We are going to take him out to lunch, and it should be an emotional get-together, but a good one.
In the meantime, we are still going to our parent support group one night a week and that is helping us alot.
I will post after our Friday night and Saturday afternoon visits. Stay tuned.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Highs, lows, and everything in between
I realize I haven't posted in over two weeks. It's been a whirlwind of a two week period, with lots of highs, lows, and everything in between. I'll try to be brief.
Before I start I would like to preface that if you don't know this, know this now:
1. Addiction is a family disease. The addict and their disease effects their entire family. Even though our son is not living with us now, and quite possibly may never again, his addiction has a sneaky way of disrupting our lives without warning and effecting almost everything we do.
2. Never be complacent and comfortable living with this family disease. Just when you think things are going great and your family member is finally 'getting it' or 'on their way', this disease can cut you off at your knees and blow you out of the water when you least expect it.
Ok...so the events of the last two weeks or so.
8/28 - Met with our son and his primary counselor before the Friday night family session. Went over how he is doing, how the job search is going, and what the plan is for the next two months (ie eventually leaving the treatment center and moving to a sober house). It was a great meeting, we talked about alot of things that we can do for him, he can do for us, etc, and it seems he is finally 'getting it' or has 'turned the corner'. We were allowed to take him out for a quick bite for dinner when we were finished as we had some time before the family session.
8/31 - Court date. Our son accepted the prosecutor's deal after much discussion/negotiation. Most of his charges were dropped and he had to plead guilty to a third degree posession charge. This will result in no jail time (thank god!) but he will be on probation for an extended period of time (to be determined at sentencing in October). The judge told him that this is his last chance, and that if he has any probation violation he will be put in jail (just shoot me if that happens). It was a very emotional day for us as we were hoping for a 'hail mary' pass that an agreement for a conditional discharge could be worked out, but that was not the case. This is serious stuff and I am hoping our son knows this.
9/2 - 9/3 - 24 hours of hell. Seriously. To make a real long story short we received a call on 9/2 at 5:30 pm to pick up our son because he was being told to leave the program for a behavioral issue. Seems they are having alot of problems in his house with the managers and keeping some of the clients from 'mis-behaving' and they punished the entire house for the actions of a few (not our son), but our son had an issue with it and his own actions prompted the administration to want him to leave. So....we literally dropped everything we were doing, drove 90 minutes down to the treatment center, and after a two hour meeting of arguing with the admin staff and threatening to call a lawyer and file a complaint through the insurance company they finally agreed that we all need to sleep on their decision (the counselors agreed that kicking him out was not the right response). So, they asked us to stay in the area and for our son to fax over a letter that night to them explaining why he did what he did, how it was wrong for his addicition, and what he learned from the mistake, and if he did so they would consider letting him back in the program. They were having alot of problems in his house, and I understand that it sets a bad example to have him go right back there after they kicked him out. So, we left, went to a hotel, had some dinner, he wrote and faxed a letter over, and the four of us (our younger son went with us...family vacation!) watched a movie in the room before passing out.
The next day we slept late waiting for them to call, got some lunch, and finally they called around 2 saying he COULD come back but that he would have to start over at the more restrictive house so they could 1) get their act together at the house he was at, and 2) work with him on his impulsivity issues so that he doesn't act out again like he did. So, we ran a few errands and then drove him back and they re-admitted him. All of his counselors came up to us and him saying they really fought hard to get him back in the program because he has made so much progress and needs to continue. They feel he will move up quickly and in a few weeks be able to move back to the house he was in.....which will also give them the time to get their act together there.
This taught us a few things.....1) This disease can sneak up on you at any time!! and 2) We need to make sure we have a plan in place and numbers to call (for him to call) if this ever happens again and when he is ready to move on to a sober house or a halfway house type of living that is not supervised. We have realized that we are not ready for him to come home because that is not in his best interest, or the best interest of our family right now.....as hard as that is to say, it really is the truth. Just one night with our son in a hotel room, worrying about when he was going to take his medication, and having to sleep with all of his medication under our pillow was enough to bring back all of the bad memories of earlier this year.
9/9 - Drove down to pick up our son, and take him to Newark for an interview with the probation department. This was actually a good morning (he had a 9:30 appt) and I had him back at the treatment center by around 11. This was the first day the two of us had been alone (without my wife) since he left in May for treatment. I was a little nervous, but we actually had some good conversations about what happened the week before, how is able to help some of the newer people in his house (since he had been there before he is way past where some of the new people are in terms of recovery) and we had some very frank discussions about his past drug use. My jaw dropped a few times and I said to myself (and to him) that he is very lucky to be alive right now after everything he has done to his body due to his addiction. He really pulled one over on us for over a year and it wasn't until last year that his drug use started to really increase and effect his life in adverse ways (ie mental health issues, school issues, lack of interest in music, etc). He told me that if he didn't have his two overdoses in February that the amount of drugs he was taking would have kept on increasing. If that had happened I think we would have lost him for good.
That's it for now. We actually won't see him again until Sept 25, which is good. The family sessions for the house he is in are on Monday nights, and we would be bored with them because it is something we have been through before. If all goes, well, he will be moved back to the other house around 9/21 or so, which will make him eligible to attend the session on 9/25. It will be nice having a few week break and not having to go down there, but of course we will miss him. However, he is where he needs to be, is paying the consequence for his impulsive actions, and we hope/pray/etc that he has learned that he HAS to follow the rules and continue his treatment, otherwise we cannot do a thing for him.
Before I start I would like to preface that if you don't know this, know this now:
1. Addiction is a family disease. The addict and their disease effects their entire family. Even though our son is not living with us now, and quite possibly may never again, his addiction has a sneaky way of disrupting our lives without warning and effecting almost everything we do.
2. Never be complacent and comfortable living with this family disease. Just when you think things are going great and your family member is finally 'getting it' or 'on their way', this disease can cut you off at your knees and blow you out of the water when you least expect it.
Ok...so the events of the last two weeks or so.
8/28 - Met with our son and his primary counselor before the Friday night family session. Went over how he is doing, how the job search is going, and what the plan is for the next two months (ie eventually leaving the treatment center and moving to a sober house). It was a great meeting, we talked about alot of things that we can do for him, he can do for us, etc, and it seems he is finally 'getting it' or has 'turned the corner'. We were allowed to take him out for a quick bite for dinner when we were finished as we had some time before the family session.
8/31 - Court date. Our son accepted the prosecutor's deal after much discussion/negotiation. Most of his charges were dropped and he had to plead guilty to a third degree posession charge. This will result in no jail time (thank god!) but he will be on probation for an extended period of time (to be determined at sentencing in October). The judge told him that this is his last chance, and that if he has any probation violation he will be put in jail (just shoot me if that happens). It was a very emotional day for us as we were hoping for a 'hail mary' pass that an agreement for a conditional discharge could be worked out, but that was not the case. This is serious stuff and I am hoping our son knows this.
9/2 - 9/3 - 24 hours of hell. Seriously. To make a real long story short we received a call on 9/2 at 5:30 pm to pick up our son because he was being told to leave the program for a behavioral issue. Seems they are having alot of problems in his house with the managers and keeping some of the clients from 'mis-behaving' and they punished the entire house for the actions of a few (not our son), but our son had an issue with it and his own actions prompted the administration to want him to leave. So....we literally dropped everything we were doing, drove 90 minutes down to the treatment center, and after a two hour meeting of arguing with the admin staff and threatening to call a lawyer and file a complaint through the insurance company they finally agreed that we all need to sleep on their decision (the counselors agreed that kicking him out was not the right response). So, they asked us to stay in the area and for our son to fax over a letter that night to them explaining why he did what he did, how it was wrong for his addicition, and what he learned from the mistake, and if he did so they would consider letting him back in the program. They were having alot of problems in his house, and I understand that it sets a bad example to have him go right back there after they kicked him out. So, we left, went to a hotel, had some dinner, he wrote and faxed a letter over, and the four of us (our younger son went with us...family vacation!) watched a movie in the room before passing out.
The next day we slept late waiting for them to call, got some lunch, and finally they called around 2 saying he COULD come back but that he would have to start over at the more restrictive house so they could 1) get their act together at the house he was at, and 2) work with him on his impulsivity issues so that he doesn't act out again like he did. So, we ran a few errands and then drove him back and they re-admitted him. All of his counselors came up to us and him saying they really fought hard to get him back in the program because he has made so much progress and needs to continue. They feel he will move up quickly and in a few weeks be able to move back to the house he was in.....which will also give them the time to get their act together there.
This taught us a few things.....1) This disease can sneak up on you at any time!! and 2) We need to make sure we have a plan in place and numbers to call (for him to call) if this ever happens again and when he is ready to move on to a sober house or a halfway house type of living that is not supervised. We have realized that we are not ready for him to come home because that is not in his best interest, or the best interest of our family right now.....as hard as that is to say, it really is the truth. Just one night with our son in a hotel room, worrying about when he was going to take his medication, and having to sleep with all of his medication under our pillow was enough to bring back all of the bad memories of earlier this year.
9/9 - Drove down to pick up our son, and take him to Newark for an interview with the probation department. This was actually a good morning (he had a 9:30 appt) and I had him back at the treatment center by around 11. This was the first day the two of us had been alone (without my wife) since he left in May for treatment. I was a little nervous, but we actually had some good conversations about what happened the week before, how is able to help some of the newer people in his house (since he had been there before he is way past where some of the new people are in terms of recovery) and we had some very frank discussions about his past drug use. My jaw dropped a few times and I said to myself (and to him) that he is very lucky to be alive right now after everything he has done to his body due to his addiction. He really pulled one over on us for over a year and it wasn't until last year that his drug use started to really increase and effect his life in adverse ways (ie mental health issues, school issues, lack of interest in music, etc). He told me that if he didn't have his two overdoses in February that the amount of drugs he was taking would have kept on increasing. If that had happened I think we would have lost him for good.
That's it for now. We actually won't see him again until Sept 25, which is good. The family sessions for the house he is in are on Monday nights, and we would be bored with them because it is something we have been through before. If all goes, well, he will be moved back to the other house around 9/21 or so, which will make him eligible to attend the session on 9/25. It will be nice having a few week break and not having to go down there, but of course we will miss him. However, he is where he needs to be, is paying the consequence for his impulsive actions, and we hope/pray/etc that he has learned that he HAS to follow the rules and continue his treatment, otherwise we cannot do a thing for him.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Busy and emotional weekend
Very busy weekend with our son's addiction. Very emotional as well.
Friday night was my first Therapist appt. Went well. The therapist and I 'clicked' which is good. I am hoping he can help me heal. I will be seeing him once a week and he wants to concentrate not on my son and his addicition, but on me and how I can get myself better. This is exactly what I need.
We did not go to the family session on Friday night because on Saturday we took our son out for four hours. He earned a four-hour offsite. My brother and his partner, and our younger son went with us. Took him to lunch and then went to play some mini-golf. Aftewards we went back to his house and our son's had a bit of a heart to heart on the front porch, which they both desperately needed. It was a good visit, which we heard almost had to be cancelled because our son got caught smoking when he shouldn't have and initially had his offsite cancelled. He wrote his house manager an apology letter and grovelled and his offsite was restored. I think if we had found out about the violation we would have cancelled it ourselves, to teach him a lesson. He needs to follow the rules in life, no matter how unfair they may seem.
Yesterday, Sunday, I finally got around to dismantling the L shaped desk and hutch in his room so we can throw it away. I had a very difficult time emotionally doing this because I remember being the one who spent 8 hours putting the darn thing together about 6 years ago. Plus, I had to spend alot of time in his room, which is still very difficult for me. However, we have to totally change his room so if he ever does come home it does not act like a trigger. I struggled through the process and got it done, but not without alot of tears. I did not sleep well last night (only got about 3 hours sleep) and I have to believe that my mind was still reeling from having to do what I did earlier in the day. Perhaps this is something I will bring up with my therapist on Wed night.
That's it for now. We will see our son again on Friday night for the next family session, and then of course a week from today (8/31) is his next court appearance.
Friday night was my first Therapist appt. Went well. The therapist and I 'clicked' which is good. I am hoping he can help me heal. I will be seeing him once a week and he wants to concentrate not on my son and his addicition, but on me and how I can get myself better. This is exactly what I need.
We did not go to the family session on Friday night because on Saturday we took our son out for four hours. He earned a four-hour offsite. My brother and his partner, and our younger son went with us. Took him to lunch and then went to play some mini-golf. Aftewards we went back to his house and our son's had a bit of a heart to heart on the front porch, which they both desperately needed. It was a good visit, which we heard almost had to be cancelled because our son got caught smoking when he shouldn't have and initially had his offsite cancelled. He wrote his house manager an apology letter and grovelled and his offsite was restored. I think if we had found out about the violation we would have cancelled it ourselves, to teach him a lesson. He needs to follow the rules in life, no matter how unfair they may seem.
Yesterday, Sunday, I finally got around to dismantling the L shaped desk and hutch in his room so we can throw it away. I had a very difficult time emotionally doing this because I remember being the one who spent 8 hours putting the darn thing together about 6 years ago. Plus, I had to spend alot of time in his room, which is still very difficult for me. However, we have to totally change his room so if he ever does come home it does not act like a trigger. I struggled through the process and got it done, but not without alot of tears. I did not sleep well last night (only got about 3 hours sleep) and I have to believe that my mind was still reeling from having to do what I did earlier in the day. Perhaps this is something I will bring up with my therapist on Wed night.
That's it for now. We will see our son again on Friday night for the next family session, and then of course a week from today (8/31) is his next court appearance.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Recovery on many fronts
Just a quick update.
Visited our son on Friday night....usual Friday night visit. His best friend took the trip down with us. He was very nervous going down, and confided in us that he was afraid that our son was being 'brainwashed' and he wouldn't be the same. Needless to say, he was very surprised that our son was not only the same, but back to being the way he was before the drugs took over his life. All in all it was a good visit. He has earned a 4 hour offsite for this coming weekend, and if we can swing it we are going to go visit him, take him out to lunch and go play some min-golf somewhere.....and try to act like a real family for a change.
Our son gave us a letter to give to our younger son, asking us not to read it. We gave the letter to our younger son on Sunday night and it opened up his emotional floodgates a bit. He REALLY misses his brother, more than we ever realized. My wife and I had to stop doing what we were doing around the house and spend some time calming him down because he was so upset. We are very glad he is seeing a psychologist himself once a month because he really needs a neutral person to listen to how he is feeling. We have to remember, that even though he is only 13 that this is very hard on him as well.
On a personal front, last week I finally made the call to see a therapist. I have discovered that as our son is doing better, I am doing worse. I find that my emotions range from normal to depression, feeling anxious, and sometimes non-functional......sometimes in the span of minutes or hours. All of the emotion, anger, and fear that naturally comes when your child has an addicition issue, problems with the law, and is in rehab is natural. However, I have been bottling it up for so long that it is slowly leaking out, which is having profound adverse effects on my emotional well-being. On Monday (yesterday) I had my intake interview with the head of the psychological association I am going to use and he will see which one of the doctors in his group will be the best fit for me. I need to get better. I cannot continue to live life not knowing what is going to trigger me into feeling so down, because when I get that way I am no good for my family, our older son as he gets better, and most of all to myself.
This is a horrible disease, that has intense fingers in more places than you can imagine. I have come to admit that I cannot do this alone anymore, that I cannot keep these emotions in check (under lock and key), and that I need some help. Stay tuned....this could get interesting.
Visited our son on Friday night....usual Friday night visit. His best friend took the trip down with us. He was very nervous going down, and confided in us that he was afraid that our son was being 'brainwashed' and he wouldn't be the same. Needless to say, he was very surprised that our son was not only the same, but back to being the way he was before the drugs took over his life. All in all it was a good visit. He has earned a 4 hour offsite for this coming weekend, and if we can swing it we are going to go visit him, take him out to lunch and go play some min-golf somewhere.....and try to act like a real family for a change.
Our son gave us a letter to give to our younger son, asking us not to read it. We gave the letter to our younger son on Sunday night and it opened up his emotional floodgates a bit. He REALLY misses his brother, more than we ever realized. My wife and I had to stop doing what we were doing around the house and spend some time calming him down because he was so upset. We are very glad he is seeing a psychologist himself once a month because he really needs a neutral person to listen to how he is feeling. We have to remember, that even though he is only 13 that this is very hard on him as well.
On a personal front, last week I finally made the call to see a therapist. I have discovered that as our son is doing better, I am doing worse. I find that my emotions range from normal to depression, feeling anxious, and sometimes non-functional......sometimes in the span of minutes or hours. All of the emotion, anger, and fear that naturally comes when your child has an addicition issue, problems with the law, and is in rehab is natural. However, I have been bottling it up for so long that it is slowly leaking out, which is having profound adverse effects on my emotional well-being. On Monday (yesterday) I had my intake interview with the head of the psychological association I am going to use and he will see which one of the doctors in his group will be the best fit for me. I need to get better. I cannot continue to live life not knowing what is going to trigger me into feeling so down, because when I get that way I am no good for my family, our older son as he gets better, and most of all to myself.
This is a horrible disease, that has intense fingers in more places than you can imagine. I have come to admit that I cannot do this alone anymore, that I cannot keep these emotions in check (under lock and key), and that I need some help. Stay tuned....this could get interesting.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Lots of visits over the last few days
We saw our son three times over the last four days, and while today was the most serious of the times, our conversations have begun to lead us to believe that he is getting this, that he understands the severity of his disease and the consequences of taking his foot off of the pedal.
On Friday night went down for our usual Friday night family session. My father and step-mother accompanied us......this was the first time they had seen our son since the beginning of May. It was an emotional visit and I believe they got alot out of the group session. Our son participated and contributed even more on Friday night....an indication (we hope) that his sharing of his experiences is helping him come to grips with everything he has done.
On Saturday we went down AGAIN in the afternoon. Our son had earned another family visit at his house. We went down with our younger son and my wife's mother, who also has not seen her grandson since May. It was again very emotional. We had a good visit talking with our son. The highlight of the day was finally meeting his sponsor (who was down at the house leading a group session). We liked this man, ALOT. He is helping our son work the 12 steps and is really pushing him hard to get all the work accomplished. This is a lifelong commitment and we are encouraged that he realizes this.
Today we went down again to pick him up at 7am. He had a court appearance at 9 in Newark. This was a plea conference and the prosecutor offerred a very good deal that our son will probably take (it will entail NO jail time...our biggest goal). We had some lunch afterwards and then drove him back to his house. During lunch and the drive to and from court we had some good conversations about his recovery, his plans for looking for a job as soon as he is given permission to do so by the recovery center, and his commitment to keep clean and away from the people, places, and things that could lead to a potential relapse. When we got him back to his house everyone had just returned for lunch and their afternoon sessions, and they were all happy to see Matt and encouraged by his news......and he was happy to see them, which gave us comfort that he is happy there and working the program.
Are we starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel? I am not sure, but his attitidue and his actions are starting to make us feel that this is a good possibility.
Fingers and toes crossed......
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)