One year past hell

I have been well aware that I have not posted in almost a month. The way things have gone the past year, I consider that a major accomplishment. It means that nothing bad has happened, that our son is doing fine, and that we as a family are doing fine. However, it also means that nothing has changed. We still live with the fear of the phone call or the 'mom, dad, I have something to tell you' conversation. We still live with the fear of not knowing exactly what is going on in his head, and how much of his current state of not using is conformity or conversion. I cannot tell you how many times I wake up in the middle of the night thinking I either heard something, or that felt that 'something' has happened, and I go and check my phone or my email, or even look outside to see if there is a strange car parked down the street, or the police are outside. This means I am not recovered, and I need to make sure I keep it green and work on my own recovery. Last year at this time we were living in hell, and I never want to forget that.

The good news is.....our son is now clean 9 months. He is not in jail. He is alive. He is doing is community service once a week. He is going to meetings almost every night, and helping others run two other meetings (one in a detox center). I admire his progress and his recovery efforts. However, this is all he does. I really need him to find a job because he cannot progress unless he mainstreams himself more into the real world, where he has to get up in the morning to go to work even if its just a few days a week. At the very least, he should volunteer somewhere, and that may lead to a job.

My wife and I are realizing that we are indirectly enabling him to not work by continuing to pay for his living expenses (rent and food). We think the only way to light a fire under him is to cut back on the money we deposit into his account each week, until we are only paying for his rent. He was able to find drugs whenever he needed, he should be able to pick up some work....even if its not on a regular basis. If no work, then at the very least volunteer.

That's all I have right now. Life is ALOT better than it was last year at this time, and we are a stronger and closer family due to everything we went through. We still go to our support group and one of these days we will find the time to go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings. Recovery is a life-long process......I think I have the time.