Wow. Another two week period without a post. I guess that is a good thing. Actually, there was really nothing to say because until this past Friday we hadn't seen our son since the probation dept meeting (just me) and the 24 hours from hell (both of us).
We went down to visit him and attend the family session last Friday night. I was doing rather well most of the week until about 2pm on Friday when I realized the addiction was right in front of me again. It was nice not having to deal with it for a few weeks. Even though his disease is always a part of our life, not having it right in front of us was a nice change. My wife and I talked about it and think this is a good thing, that having the disease swing back and forth into our life means that it is either getting easier to deal with or we are able to push it (and keep it) aside for longer periods of time.
Anyway....the family session was good, and our son seems to be making greater strides in his recovery. We talked a bit and he told us (in a very good manner) that he feels he is done there, and ready to move on to the next step (which will be a sober house down in the area where he is). We have been feeling this for awhile, and when I spoke with one of his counselors on the side on Friday night she said the same thing. Our son has been there for 17 weeks now (I don't even want to THINK about how much this has cost us) and eventually he has to move on, move away from the nice, safe, sheltered environment that he is in and live out in the real world. Fortunately, he knows that moving back home is not the best idea for him (for the near future) and that he needs to stay in the area where he is because that is where is support network is. I know that our anxiety level will increase when he moves out, but he has to do this eventually. We just hope he has developed the necessary tools to lead a drug-free life, that he rely's on his support network, and that we can cope with whatever issues may come our way.
Our next steps are fairly easy right now. We are meeting with him and his counselor on Friday night before the next family session, where we will discuss his progress and his next steps, come up with a time line (nothing can occur until after the Oct 19 sentencing anyway), and make sure that he is converting and not being compliant.
On Saturday we are going down to see him again, this time with my mom and step-father, who have not seen him since Mothers day. We are going to take him out to lunch, and it should be an emotional get-together, but a good one.
In the meantime, we are still going to our parent support group one night a week and that is helping us alot.
I will post after our Friday night and Saturday afternoon visits. Stay tuned.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Highs, lows, and everything in between
I realize I haven't posted in over two weeks. It's been a whirlwind of a two week period, with lots of highs, lows, and everything in between. I'll try to be brief.
Before I start I would like to preface that if you don't know this, know this now:
1. Addiction is a family disease. The addict and their disease effects their entire family. Even though our son is not living with us now, and quite possibly may never again, his addiction has a sneaky way of disrupting our lives without warning and effecting almost everything we do.
2. Never be complacent and comfortable living with this family disease. Just when you think things are going great and your family member is finally 'getting it' or 'on their way', this disease can cut you off at your knees and blow you out of the water when you least expect it.
Ok...so the events of the last two weeks or so.
8/28 - Met with our son and his primary counselor before the Friday night family session. Went over how he is doing, how the job search is going, and what the plan is for the next two months (ie eventually leaving the treatment center and moving to a sober house). It was a great meeting, we talked about alot of things that we can do for him, he can do for us, etc, and it seems he is finally 'getting it' or has 'turned the corner'. We were allowed to take him out for a quick bite for dinner when we were finished as we had some time before the family session.
8/31 - Court date. Our son accepted the prosecutor's deal after much discussion/negotiation. Most of his charges were dropped and he had to plead guilty to a third degree posession charge. This will result in no jail time (thank god!) but he will be on probation for an extended period of time (to be determined at sentencing in October). The judge told him that this is his last chance, and that if he has any probation violation he will be put in jail (just shoot me if that happens). It was a very emotional day for us as we were hoping for a 'hail mary' pass that an agreement for a conditional discharge could be worked out, but that was not the case. This is serious stuff and I am hoping our son knows this.
9/2 - 9/3 - 24 hours of hell. Seriously. To make a real long story short we received a call on 9/2 at 5:30 pm to pick up our son because he was being told to leave the program for a behavioral issue. Seems they are having alot of problems in his house with the managers and keeping some of the clients from 'mis-behaving' and they punished the entire house for the actions of a few (not our son), but our son had an issue with it and his own actions prompted the administration to want him to leave. So....we literally dropped everything we were doing, drove 90 minutes down to the treatment center, and after a two hour meeting of arguing with the admin staff and threatening to call a lawyer and file a complaint through the insurance company they finally agreed that we all need to sleep on their decision (the counselors agreed that kicking him out was not the right response). So, they asked us to stay in the area and for our son to fax over a letter that night to them explaining why he did what he did, how it was wrong for his addicition, and what he learned from the mistake, and if he did so they would consider letting him back in the program. They were having alot of problems in his house, and I understand that it sets a bad example to have him go right back there after they kicked him out. So, we left, went to a hotel, had some dinner, he wrote and faxed a letter over, and the four of us (our younger son went with us...family vacation!) watched a movie in the room before passing out.
The next day we slept late waiting for them to call, got some lunch, and finally they called around 2 saying he COULD come back but that he would have to start over at the more restrictive house so they could 1) get their act together at the house he was at, and 2) work with him on his impulsivity issues so that he doesn't act out again like he did. So, we ran a few errands and then drove him back and they re-admitted him. All of his counselors came up to us and him saying they really fought hard to get him back in the program because he has made so much progress and needs to continue. They feel he will move up quickly and in a few weeks be able to move back to the house he was in.....which will also give them the time to get their act together there.
This taught us a few things.....1) This disease can sneak up on you at any time!! and 2) We need to make sure we have a plan in place and numbers to call (for him to call) if this ever happens again and when he is ready to move on to a sober house or a halfway house type of living that is not supervised. We have realized that we are not ready for him to come home because that is not in his best interest, or the best interest of our family right now.....as hard as that is to say, it really is the truth. Just one night with our son in a hotel room, worrying about when he was going to take his medication, and having to sleep with all of his medication under our pillow was enough to bring back all of the bad memories of earlier this year.
9/9 - Drove down to pick up our son, and take him to Newark for an interview with the probation department. This was actually a good morning (he had a 9:30 appt) and I had him back at the treatment center by around 11. This was the first day the two of us had been alone (without my wife) since he left in May for treatment. I was a little nervous, but we actually had some good conversations about what happened the week before, how is able to help some of the newer people in his house (since he had been there before he is way past where some of the new people are in terms of recovery) and we had some very frank discussions about his past drug use. My jaw dropped a few times and I said to myself (and to him) that he is very lucky to be alive right now after everything he has done to his body due to his addiction. He really pulled one over on us for over a year and it wasn't until last year that his drug use started to really increase and effect his life in adverse ways (ie mental health issues, school issues, lack of interest in music, etc). He told me that if he didn't have his two overdoses in February that the amount of drugs he was taking would have kept on increasing. If that had happened I think we would have lost him for good.
That's it for now. We actually won't see him again until Sept 25, which is good. The family sessions for the house he is in are on Monday nights, and we would be bored with them because it is something we have been through before. If all goes, well, he will be moved back to the other house around 9/21 or so, which will make him eligible to attend the session on 9/25. It will be nice having a few week break and not having to go down there, but of course we will miss him. However, he is where he needs to be, is paying the consequence for his impulsive actions, and we hope/pray/etc that he has learned that he HAS to follow the rules and continue his treatment, otherwise we cannot do a thing for him.
Before I start I would like to preface that if you don't know this, know this now:
1. Addiction is a family disease. The addict and their disease effects their entire family. Even though our son is not living with us now, and quite possibly may never again, his addiction has a sneaky way of disrupting our lives without warning and effecting almost everything we do.
2. Never be complacent and comfortable living with this family disease. Just when you think things are going great and your family member is finally 'getting it' or 'on their way', this disease can cut you off at your knees and blow you out of the water when you least expect it.
Ok...so the events of the last two weeks or so.
8/28 - Met with our son and his primary counselor before the Friday night family session. Went over how he is doing, how the job search is going, and what the plan is for the next two months (ie eventually leaving the treatment center and moving to a sober house). It was a great meeting, we talked about alot of things that we can do for him, he can do for us, etc, and it seems he is finally 'getting it' or has 'turned the corner'. We were allowed to take him out for a quick bite for dinner when we were finished as we had some time before the family session.
8/31 - Court date. Our son accepted the prosecutor's deal after much discussion/negotiation. Most of his charges were dropped and he had to plead guilty to a third degree posession charge. This will result in no jail time (thank god!) but he will be on probation for an extended period of time (to be determined at sentencing in October). The judge told him that this is his last chance, and that if he has any probation violation he will be put in jail (just shoot me if that happens). It was a very emotional day for us as we were hoping for a 'hail mary' pass that an agreement for a conditional discharge could be worked out, but that was not the case. This is serious stuff and I am hoping our son knows this.
9/2 - 9/3 - 24 hours of hell. Seriously. To make a real long story short we received a call on 9/2 at 5:30 pm to pick up our son because he was being told to leave the program for a behavioral issue. Seems they are having alot of problems in his house with the managers and keeping some of the clients from 'mis-behaving' and they punished the entire house for the actions of a few (not our son), but our son had an issue with it and his own actions prompted the administration to want him to leave. So....we literally dropped everything we were doing, drove 90 minutes down to the treatment center, and after a two hour meeting of arguing with the admin staff and threatening to call a lawyer and file a complaint through the insurance company they finally agreed that we all need to sleep on their decision (the counselors agreed that kicking him out was not the right response). So, they asked us to stay in the area and for our son to fax over a letter that night to them explaining why he did what he did, how it was wrong for his addicition, and what he learned from the mistake, and if he did so they would consider letting him back in the program. They were having alot of problems in his house, and I understand that it sets a bad example to have him go right back there after they kicked him out. So, we left, went to a hotel, had some dinner, he wrote and faxed a letter over, and the four of us (our younger son went with us...family vacation!) watched a movie in the room before passing out.
The next day we slept late waiting for them to call, got some lunch, and finally they called around 2 saying he COULD come back but that he would have to start over at the more restrictive house so they could 1) get their act together at the house he was at, and 2) work with him on his impulsivity issues so that he doesn't act out again like he did. So, we ran a few errands and then drove him back and they re-admitted him. All of his counselors came up to us and him saying they really fought hard to get him back in the program because he has made so much progress and needs to continue. They feel he will move up quickly and in a few weeks be able to move back to the house he was in.....which will also give them the time to get their act together there.
This taught us a few things.....1) This disease can sneak up on you at any time!! and 2) We need to make sure we have a plan in place and numbers to call (for him to call) if this ever happens again and when he is ready to move on to a sober house or a halfway house type of living that is not supervised. We have realized that we are not ready for him to come home because that is not in his best interest, or the best interest of our family right now.....as hard as that is to say, it really is the truth. Just one night with our son in a hotel room, worrying about when he was going to take his medication, and having to sleep with all of his medication under our pillow was enough to bring back all of the bad memories of earlier this year.
9/9 - Drove down to pick up our son, and take him to Newark for an interview with the probation department. This was actually a good morning (he had a 9:30 appt) and I had him back at the treatment center by around 11. This was the first day the two of us had been alone (without my wife) since he left in May for treatment. I was a little nervous, but we actually had some good conversations about what happened the week before, how is able to help some of the newer people in his house (since he had been there before he is way past where some of the new people are in terms of recovery) and we had some very frank discussions about his past drug use. My jaw dropped a few times and I said to myself (and to him) that he is very lucky to be alive right now after everything he has done to his body due to his addiction. He really pulled one over on us for over a year and it wasn't until last year that his drug use started to really increase and effect his life in adverse ways (ie mental health issues, school issues, lack of interest in music, etc). He told me that if he didn't have his two overdoses in February that the amount of drugs he was taking would have kept on increasing. If that had happened I think we would have lost him for good.
That's it for now. We actually won't see him again until Sept 25, which is good. The family sessions for the house he is in are on Monday nights, and we would be bored with them because it is something we have been through before. If all goes, well, he will be moved back to the other house around 9/21 or so, which will make him eligible to attend the session on 9/25. It will be nice having a few week break and not having to go down there, but of course we will miss him. However, he is where he needs to be, is paying the consequence for his impulsive actions, and we hope/pray/etc that he has learned that he HAS to follow the rules and continue his treatment, otherwise we cannot do a thing for him.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Busy and emotional weekend
Very busy weekend with our son's addiction. Very emotional as well.
Friday night was my first Therapist appt. Went well. The therapist and I 'clicked' which is good. I am hoping he can help me heal. I will be seeing him once a week and he wants to concentrate not on my son and his addicition, but on me and how I can get myself better. This is exactly what I need.
We did not go to the family session on Friday night because on Saturday we took our son out for four hours. He earned a four-hour offsite. My brother and his partner, and our younger son went with us. Took him to lunch and then went to play some mini-golf. Aftewards we went back to his house and our son's had a bit of a heart to heart on the front porch, which they both desperately needed. It was a good visit, which we heard almost had to be cancelled because our son got caught smoking when he shouldn't have and initially had his offsite cancelled. He wrote his house manager an apology letter and grovelled and his offsite was restored. I think if we had found out about the violation we would have cancelled it ourselves, to teach him a lesson. He needs to follow the rules in life, no matter how unfair they may seem.
Yesterday, Sunday, I finally got around to dismantling the L shaped desk and hutch in his room so we can throw it away. I had a very difficult time emotionally doing this because I remember being the one who spent 8 hours putting the darn thing together about 6 years ago. Plus, I had to spend alot of time in his room, which is still very difficult for me. However, we have to totally change his room so if he ever does come home it does not act like a trigger. I struggled through the process and got it done, but not without alot of tears. I did not sleep well last night (only got about 3 hours sleep) and I have to believe that my mind was still reeling from having to do what I did earlier in the day. Perhaps this is something I will bring up with my therapist on Wed night.
That's it for now. We will see our son again on Friday night for the next family session, and then of course a week from today (8/31) is his next court appearance.
Friday night was my first Therapist appt. Went well. The therapist and I 'clicked' which is good. I am hoping he can help me heal. I will be seeing him once a week and he wants to concentrate not on my son and his addicition, but on me and how I can get myself better. This is exactly what I need.
We did not go to the family session on Friday night because on Saturday we took our son out for four hours. He earned a four-hour offsite. My brother and his partner, and our younger son went with us. Took him to lunch and then went to play some mini-golf. Aftewards we went back to his house and our son's had a bit of a heart to heart on the front porch, which they both desperately needed. It was a good visit, which we heard almost had to be cancelled because our son got caught smoking when he shouldn't have and initially had his offsite cancelled. He wrote his house manager an apology letter and grovelled and his offsite was restored. I think if we had found out about the violation we would have cancelled it ourselves, to teach him a lesson. He needs to follow the rules in life, no matter how unfair they may seem.
Yesterday, Sunday, I finally got around to dismantling the L shaped desk and hutch in his room so we can throw it away. I had a very difficult time emotionally doing this because I remember being the one who spent 8 hours putting the darn thing together about 6 years ago. Plus, I had to spend alot of time in his room, which is still very difficult for me. However, we have to totally change his room so if he ever does come home it does not act like a trigger. I struggled through the process and got it done, but not without alot of tears. I did not sleep well last night (only got about 3 hours sleep) and I have to believe that my mind was still reeling from having to do what I did earlier in the day. Perhaps this is something I will bring up with my therapist on Wed night.
That's it for now. We will see our son again on Friday night for the next family session, and then of course a week from today (8/31) is his next court appearance.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Recovery on many fronts
Just a quick update.
Visited our son on Friday night....usual Friday night visit. His best friend took the trip down with us. He was very nervous going down, and confided in us that he was afraid that our son was being 'brainwashed' and he wouldn't be the same. Needless to say, he was very surprised that our son was not only the same, but back to being the way he was before the drugs took over his life. All in all it was a good visit. He has earned a 4 hour offsite for this coming weekend, and if we can swing it we are going to go visit him, take him out to lunch and go play some min-golf somewhere.....and try to act like a real family for a change.
Our son gave us a letter to give to our younger son, asking us not to read it. We gave the letter to our younger son on Sunday night and it opened up his emotional floodgates a bit. He REALLY misses his brother, more than we ever realized. My wife and I had to stop doing what we were doing around the house and spend some time calming him down because he was so upset. We are very glad he is seeing a psychologist himself once a month because he really needs a neutral person to listen to how he is feeling. We have to remember, that even though he is only 13 that this is very hard on him as well.
On a personal front, last week I finally made the call to see a therapist. I have discovered that as our son is doing better, I am doing worse. I find that my emotions range from normal to depression, feeling anxious, and sometimes non-functional......sometimes in the span of minutes or hours. All of the emotion, anger, and fear that naturally comes when your child has an addicition issue, problems with the law, and is in rehab is natural. However, I have been bottling it up for so long that it is slowly leaking out, which is having profound adverse effects on my emotional well-being. On Monday (yesterday) I had my intake interview with the head of the psychological association I am going to use and he will see which one of the doctors in his group will be the best fit for me. I need to get better. I cannot continue to live life not knowing what is going to trigger me into feeling so down, because when I get that way I am no good for my family, our older son as he gets better, and most of all to myself.
This is a horrible disease, that has intense fingers in more places than you can imagine. I have come to admit that I cannot do this alone anymore, that I cannot keep these emotions in check (under lock and key), and that I need some help. Stay tuned....this could get interesting.
Visited our son on Friday night....usual Friday night visit. His best friend took the trip down with us. He was very nervous going down, and confided in us that he was afraid that our son was being 'brainwashed' and he wouldn't be the same. Needless to say, he was very surprised that our son was not only the same, but back to being the way he was before the drugs took over his life. All in all it was a good visit. He has earned a 4 hour offsite for this coming weekend, and if we can swing it we are going to go visit him, take him out to lunch and go play some min-golf somewhere.....and try to act like a real family for a change.
Our son gave us a letter to give to our younger son, asking us not to read it. We gave the letter to our younger son on Sunday night and it opened up his emotional floodgates a bit. He REALLY misses his brother, more than we ever realized. My wife and I had to stop doing what we were doing around the house and spend some time calming him down because he was so upset. We are very glad he is seeing a psychologist himself once a month because he really needs a neutral person to listen to how he is feeling. We have to remember, that even though he is only 13 that this is very hard on him as well.
On a personal front, last week I finally made the call to see a therapist. I have discovered that as our son is doing better, I am doing worse. I find that my emotions range from normal to depression, feeling anxious, and sometimes non-functional......sometimes in the span of minutes or hours. All of the emotion, anger, and fear that naturally comes when your child has an addicition issue, problems with the law, and is in rehab is natural. However, I have been bottling it up for so long that it is slowly leaking out, which is having profound adverse effects on my emotional well-being. On Monday (yesterday) I had my intake interview with the head of the psychological association I am going to use and he will see which one of the doctors in his group will be the best fit for me. I need to get better. I cannot continue to live life not knowing what is going to trigger me into feeling so down, because when I get that way I am no good for my family, our older son as he gets better, and most of all to myself.
This is a horrible disease, that has intense fingers in more places than you can imagine. I have come to admit that I cannot do this alone anymore, that I cannot keep these emotions in check (under lock and key), and that I need some help. Stay tuned....this could get interesting.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Lots of visits over the last few days
We saw our son three times over the last four days, and while today was the most serious of the times, our conversations have begun to lead us to believe that he is getting this, that he understands the severity of his disease and the consequences of taking his foot off of the pedal.
On Friday night went down for our usual Friday night family session. My father and step-mother accompanied us......this was the first time they had seen our son since the beginning of May. It was an emotional visit and I believe they got alot out of the group session. Our son participated and contributed even more on Friday night....an indication (we hope) that his sharing of his experiences is helping him come to grips with everything he has done.
On Saturday we went down AGAIN in the afternoon. Our son had earned another family visit at his house. We went down with our younger son and my wife's mother, who also has not seen her grandson since May. It was again very emotional. We had a good visit talking with our son. The highlight of the day was finally meeting his sponsor (who was down at the house leading a group session). We liked this man, ALOT. He is helping our son work the 12 steps and is really pushing him hard to get all the work accomplished. This is a lifelong commitment and we are encouraged that he realizes this.
Today we went down again to pick him up at 7am. He had a court appearance at 9 in Newark. This was a plea conference and the prosecutor offerred a very good deal that our son will probably take (it will entail NO jail time...our biggest goal). We had some lunch afterwards and then drove him back to his house. During lunch and the drive to and from court we had some good conversations about his recovery, his plans for looking for a job as soon as he is given permission to do so by the recovery center, and his commitment to keep clean and away from the people, places, and things that could lead to a potential relapse. When we got him back to his house everyone had just returned for lunch and their afternoon sessions, and they were all happy to see Matt and encouraged by his news......and he was happy to see them, which gave us comfort that he is happy there and working the program.
Are we starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel? I am not sure, but his attitidue and his actions are starting to make us feel that this is a good possibility.
Fingers and toes crossed......
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Getting better and group power
Much better group family session this past Friday night. Our son was in a much better place mentally and really participated in some of the group discussions. He admitted, in one of the discussions, how much he lied to his brother about not using earlier this year. Perhaps we are starting to see the first signs that he is being honest with himself and admitting to himself that this problem is something that only he can control and fix. He still has a long way to go, and he knows it. Right now he has to keep believing he will get better. Of course, his (and our) anxiety level is high due to the upcoming court appearance(s). Once we can get through those (please god, no jail time) in relatively one piece we thing the real healing will begin.
The power of the group is unbelievable. I have said this before and will say it again. The only people who truly can understand what we are going through are those in the room with us on Friday night, the people in the room with us at our support group on Tuesday nights, and the millions of others in similar rooms in countless other places. We say and hear things, and do things, and cry, and laugh, and hug, and support each other, and are all there for each other in such a way that is almost without peer. These other family members ARE our support group, and without these total strangers I am not sure if we would be able to survive this disease that has put such a hole in our family's heart.
The power of the group is unbelievable. I have said this before and will say it again. The only people who truly can understand what we are going through are those in the room with us on Friday night, the people in the room with us at our support group on Tuesday nights, and the millions of others in similar rooms in countless other places. We say and hear things, and do things, and cry, and laugh, and hug, and support each other, and are all there for each other in such a way that is almost without peer. These other family members ARE our support group, and without these total strangers I am not sure if we would be able to survive this disease that has put such a hole in our family's heart.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Frustration
This past Friday night's family session was good and hard. It was for two reasons. The first, our son is clearly frustrated with the whole process and was having a bad day. It took us a while to get out of him what was bothering him and it wasn't until the end of the night that we got the whole story. On the positive side, he DID participate more in the group session and had some interesting comments to make. The second reason why it was hard was because it was an emotional night for some of the other clients, which made it a very tough room to be in for awhile. We also said goodbye to another client who had been there for awhile and we had gotten to know. We pray for his continued success.
I have left a message with the counseling supervisor to see what she can do to help our son out. His primary counselor is on vacation this week, so it was not a big deal to call the supervisor. If our son and his counselor are not connecting then we feel they should make a change. It's been 8 weeks now, and he has given it his best shot with her. And, I cannot understand why they will not give him a non-addictive ADD medication to help him concentrate in sessions....this is just like school and this may be the only way he will be able to succeed.
On a personal note, I had a bad day on Sunday. Like a drug addict, certain things act as triggers to my emotions. In the early afternoon I was at the gym and I saw two kids who graduated in the same class as our son, and then about a half hour later I heard the song Beautiful Boy by John Lennon and I lost it. Specifically, the lyrics
Close your eyes, Have No Fear.
The Monsters gone
He’s On The Run and your daddy’s here
And
Before you cross the street, take my hand…..
In our son's case, the monster is his addiction, and I CAN'T HELP HIM! I can't take his hand, help him cross the street and make everything better. I got home and my wife was in his room (we are still trying to go through everything and clean it up) and I sat there and lost it again for a good 10 minutes or more. I guess I needed a good cry, because I was a bit better afterwards, but the rest of the day and into the night I was kind of going through the motions, sitting on the couch, trying to read (and I couldn't) and I ended up just watching TV at night really not paying attention to much.
I'm better, for now.
I have left a message with the counseling supervisor to see what she can do to help our son out. His primary counselor is on vacation this week, so it was not a big deal to call the supervisor. If our son and his counselor are not connecting then we feel they should make a change. It's been 8 weeks now, and he has given it his best shot with her. And, I cannot understand why they will not give him a non-addictive ADD medication to help him concentrate in sessions....this is just like school and this may be the only way he will be able to succeed.
On a personal note, I had a bad day on Sunday. Like a drug addict, certain things act as triggers to my emotions. In the early afternoon I was at the gym and I saw two kids who graduated in the same class as our son, and then about a half hour later I heard the song Beautiful Boy by John Lennon and I lost it. Specifically, the lyrics
Close your eyes, Have No Fear.
The Monsters gone
He’s On The Run and your daddy’s here
And
Before you cross the street, take my hand…..
In our son's case, the monster is his addiction, and I CAN'T HELP HIM! I can't take his hand, help him cross the street and make everything better. I got home and my wife was in his room (we are still trying to go through everything and clean it up) and I sat there and lost it again for a good 10 minutes or more. I guess I needed a good cry, because I was a bit better afterwards, but the rest of the day and into the night I was kind of going through the motions, sitting on the couch, trying to read (and I couldn't) and I ended up just watching TV at night really not paying attention to much.
I'm better, for now.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
We met with his counselor
Ok. This update is a little late but so be it. My wife and I, plus our younger son and a friend of his were away the last 5 days DTS (that's down the shore) and had 5 wonderful perfect weather days on the beach. It was a great chance to unwind, relax, and forget about the stress our older son has placed on our family. The vacation was at times bittersweet because he was not with us, but this was tempered by knowing that #1 he is where he needs to be, and #2 at 20 years old how many more vacations would he have spent with us anyway?
Before we left, we went down to his treatment/rehab center and had a meeting with him and his primary counselor. While he IS making progress all of the counselors there feel that he is just not being totally open and honest with himself, opening up at meetings, and sometimes getting caught up with some people there that just are not taking this seriously. He says that he is taking this seriously and that he feels he is making more progress than they SEE. We tried to explain to him that he needs to be more open in meetings and let his feelings and thoughts out, otherwise the counselors there will not think he is progressing as well as he thinks he is. We think he was rather taken aback by our strategy as he probably thought my wife and I would side more with him, which we did not, and he seemed a bit miffed that we were taking the side of his counselor. We hope that this worked because he HAS to get this, he HAS to show them that he understands the seriousness of his disease and that he HAS to show them outwardly that he is an active participant in his recovery. If he doesn't, all bets are off and who knows what could happen legally.
I hate this shit with a passion. This really sucks.......
Before we left, we went down to his treatment/rehab center and had a meeting with him and his primary counselor. While he IS making progress all of the counselors there feel that he is just not being totally open and honest with himself, opening up at meetings, and sometimes getting caught up with some people there that just are not taking this seriously. He says that he is taking this seriously and that he feels he is making more progress than they SEE. We tried to explain to him that he needs to be more open in meetings and let his feelings and thoughts out, otherwise the counselors there will not think he is progressing as well as he thinks he is. We think he was rather taken aback by our strategy as he probably thought my wife and I would side more with him, which we did not, and he seemed a bit miffed that we were taking the side of his counselor. We hope that this worked because he HAS to get this, he HAS to show them that he understands the seriousness of his disease and that he HAS to show them outwardly that he is an active participant in his recovery. If he doesn't, all bets are off and who knows what could happen legally.
I hate this shit with a passion. This really sucks.......
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Status quo for now....
First post in two weeks, and I may post again tomorrow if I have time.
Our son is still in treatment and progressing. Not as fast as we would like but we know this is a long process and like a good book or wine, needs time to develop. We have had two good visits over the last two weeks during the family sessions, one of which he was not there because it was on a Thursday night and that is the night he goes out with his sponsor. However, we went anyway and like always, these sessions as sensational. We have learned so much about this horrible disease and have come to appreciate the people we are travelling down this path with, because quite frankly (and this is NOT an insult to those who are not in the same situation as we are in) the only people who truly understand what we are going through are the people we meet and talk with at the family sessions and at our parent support group.
On a negative note, our son did receive a behavioral penalty for cheeking one of his medications....saving it for another time. That is a clear violation of their rules and he could have been kicked out of the program, but was not (thankfully)....probably due to his honesty when caught and his willingness to work the program. We are meeting with his counselor tomorrow to discuss his treatment, so if I have time I will post how that meeting went.
On a sad note, tomorrow night we are leaving on a vacation down the shore, and this is the first vacation in 20 years that has not included our older son. This is getting us down a bit and even though our younger son is bringing a friend and we will have a good time, there will be a void that cannot be filled. BUT.....I know deep in my heart that we are doing the right thing and that it will hopefully lead to more vacations with him in the years to come.
Our son is still in treatment and progressing. Not as fast as we would like but we know this is a long process and like a good book or wine, needs time to develop. We have had two good visits over the last two weeks during the family sessions, one of which he was not there because it was on a Thursday night and that is the night he goes out with his sponsor. However, we went anyway and like always, these sessions as sensational. We have learned so much about this horrible disease and have come to appreciate the people we are travelling down this path with, because quite frankly (and this is NOT an insult to those who are not in the same situation as we are in) the only people who truly understand what we are going through are the people we meet and talk with at the family sessions and at our parent support group.
On a negative note, our son did receive a behavioral penalty for cheeking one of his medications....saving it for another time. That is a clear violation of their rules and he could have been kicked out of the program, but was not (thankfully)....probably due to his honesty when caught and his willingness to work the program. We are meeting with his counselor tomorrow to discuss his treatment, so if I have time I will post how that meeting went.
On a sad note, tomorrow night we are leaving on a vacation down the shore, and this is the first vacation in 20 years that has not included our older son. This is getting us down a bit and even though our younger son is bringing a friend and we will have a good time, there will be a void that cannot be filled. BUT.....I know deep in my heart that we are doing the right thing and that it will hopefully lead to more vacations with him in the years to come.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Two good visits this past weekend
Wow. I'm late in my latest entry. Not sure if this means I am doing better or worse. Time will tell.
A good weekend with regard to visiting our son in rehab.......funny, if someone would have told me even two years ago that I would be visiting my son in a rehab center for drug abuse I would have said they were crazy. He had everything going for him the summer after he graduated high school: a good car, making good money at camp and giving music lessons, great friends, his bands, his talent, etc. His current situation should prove to everyone that this can all be lost in the blink of an eye.
We saw our son twice this past weekend. We went down for the usual Friday night family session, and as usual it was excellent. My wife and I get so much out of these sessions and learn so much it is really worth the aggravation of driving down the parkway on a Friday night. We learned that there were some more relapses in the week between the sessions, including some people in our sons house that were kicked out for drinking. Our son seems to have accepted the fact that he is not coming home for quite awhile, and actually participated a little bit in the group session. I don't know if he was doing that for our benefit or if he is really starting to turn. Only time will tell. I am trying to not get over-confident because the last time I did that I got slapped in the face with our latest legal issue.
On Sunday we went back down, this time to the group house he is in for an unsupervised family visit that he earned. All of us, including the dog, were able to go see him and spend 2+ hours with him at this house. We basically just sat outside on the porch with him, his brother, and the dog just being a family again. Talking about family things and doing what a family is supposed to do....of course, in the setting of a group home for recovering addicts. We talked about alot of things, including his recovery, and he is starting to look forward to the next phase because he wants to get a job down there....he even inquired about us bringing down a bicycle for him to use so he can get to work. We brought down one of his guitars and he asked and they allowed him to keep it. As long as the guitar does not take away any time from his recovery effort it is fine.
All in all it was a good visit, and I felt it went better then expected. I was afraid that in an unsupervised setting we might get some push-back from him on staying for a long time but there was none. I was also afraid about how I was going to feel leaving him but I was fine, probably because I am starting to see some real progress. I am trying to not get over-confident but maybe he is starting to change. Only time will tell.
A good weekend with regard to visiting our son in rehab.......funny, if someone would have told me even two years ago that I would be visiting my son in a rehab center for drug abuse I would have said they were crazy. He had everything going for him the summer after he graduated high school: a good car, making good money at camp and giving music lessons, great friends, his bands, his talent, etc. His current situation should prove to everyone that this can all be lost in the blink of an eye.
We saw our son twice this past weekend. We went down for the usual Friday night family session, and as usual it was excellent. My wife and I get so much out of these sessions and learn so much it is really worth the aggravation of driving down the parkway on a Friday night. We learned that there were some more relapses in the week between the sessions, including some people in our sons house that were kicked out for drinking. Our son seems to have accepted the fact that he is not coming home for quite awhile, and actually participated a little bit in the group session. I don't know if he was doing that for our benefit or if he is really starting to turn. Only time will tell. I am trying to not get over-confident because the last time I did that I got slapped in the face with our latest legal issue.
On Sunday we went back down, this time to the group house he is in for an unsupervised family visit that he earned. All of us, including the dog, were able to go see him and spend 2+ hours with him at this house. We basically just sat outside on the porch with him, his brother, and the dog just being a family again. Talking about family things and doing what a family is supposed to do....of course, in the setting of a group home for recovering addicts. We talked about alot of things, including his recovery, and he is starting to look forward to the next phase because he wants to get a job down there....he even inquired about us bringing down a bicycle for him to use so he can get to work. We brought down one of his guitars and he asked and they allowed him to keep it. As long as the guitar does not take away any time from his recovery effort it is fine.
All in all it was a good visit, and I felt it went better then expected. I was afraid that in an unsupervised setting we might get some push-back from him on staying for a long time but there was none. I was also afraid about how I was going to feel leaving him but I was fine, probably because I am starting to see some real progress. I am trying to not get over-confident but maybe he is starting to change. Only time will tell.
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