I need to be patient.
I need to be patient with his recovery. This IS going to take a long time, and until a person is involved in the recovery process (whether it be themselves or a family member) they have no idea how long it can take. It is easy for someone not involved to just say "stop using drugs!!!". But, it is much more involved than that.
On Friday night we went down for another family session and to see our son. The evening started with a very interesting and informative video that outlined the different phases an addict goes through during the recovery process. For most people the process takes between 9 to 12 months, and he is only a few months into the process and currently in the stage known as 'The Wall'. We learned that many of the things we saw him going through when he first came out of detox are very normal.....trouble sleeping, depression, anxiety, minor relapses, tiredness, feelings of dispair, etc. This will lead to the honeymoon phase, which we saw, in which they feel fantastic and are totally comitted to a new life, are doing some great things, and seem to be doing well. Unfortunately, this honeymoon phase does not last long and the next phase, called 'The Wall' can last from 4 weeks to a few months in which they have great days, horrible days, and days in which they want to do nothing. This is the stage our son is in, which is why it is even more important that he is where he is.
If you want to find out more information about these stages there is information all over the place on it
This is truly a disease, and a disease of the brain. After a long period of abusing the brain with drugs, it takes almost that full year of recovery for all of the brain chemical levels to get back to normal. This is why it is so difficult, and why it is important for people to be patient with the recovery process. As a parent it is very difficult because I don't see the fast process that I would like, but I am learning that there is no quick fix for this. I need to be patient and ride this out, and pray that he is one of the 30% of the patients that are successful with this.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Some quick news
Nothing really new to report, which I guess is a good thing. Some quick notes:
1. My wife was finally able to talk with our son's counselor about the long-term plan for our son. This is very much a reward type system. The better he does, the more priveledges and freedoms he gets. He has ALOT of work and self re-discovery to do. The agreed to look closer at the meds he is taking as well, as he is exhibiting some side effects that are a little upsetting.
2. I think knowing that we have a plan now for him, which of course can change depending on situations, has made me feel better this since the weekend. Last Friday's visit bothered me more than I thought, but once my wife was able to finally have a meaningful conversation with our son's counselor and some loose ends were tied up I seemed to have come back down to earth a bit.
3. My wife and I did not go to our parents support group on Tuesday night. Instead, on Wed night we went to our first Al-Anon meeting. Al-Anon is for a group for recovery for friends and family members of alcoholics. Our son is not an alcoholic but you can apply the same twelve-step principals that Al-Anon uses (like AA) to addictions, just change the word alcohol to drugs. The are Nar-Anon groups (for Narcotics) but there are no meetings close by to us. The difference between our parent support group ande Al-Anon is that the PSG helps us help our son, while Al-Anon will help us help ourselves. We need to recover as well. We heard some very sad stories last night, especially from some of the new people who were at the meeting for the first time last night. Both were women a little younger than us, one of which talked about her husband's alcohol problem and the other about her husband's cocaine problem.
That's it for now. We have our next meeting with our son tomorrow night (Friday) at a family session. I am sure I will have something more to say after that.
1. My wife was finally able to talk with our son's counselor about the long-term plan for our son. This is very much a reward type system. The better he does, the more priveledges and freedoms he gets. He has ALOT of work and self re-discovery to do. The agreed to look closer at the meds he is taking as well, as he is exhibiting some side effects that are a little upsetting.
2. I think knowing that we have a plan now for him, which of course can change depending on situations, has made me feel better this since the weekend. Last Friday's visit bothered me more than I thought, but once my wife was able to finally have a meaningful conversation with our son's counselor and some loose ends were tied up I seemed to have come back down to earth a bit.
3. My wife and I did not go to our parents support group on Tuesday night. Instead, on Wed night we went to our first Al-Anon meeting. Al-Anon is for a group for recovery for friends and family members of alcoholics. Our son is not an alcoholic but you can apply the same twelve-step principals that Al-Anon uses (like AA) to addictions, just change the word alcohol to drugs. The are Nar-Anon groups (for Narcotics) but there are no meetings close by to us. The difference between our parent support group ande Al-Anon is that the PSG helps us help our son, while Al-Anon will help us help ourselves. We need to recover as well. We heard some very sad stories last night, especially from some of the new people who were at the meeting for the first time last night. Both were women a little younger than us, one of which talked about her husband's alcohol problem and the other about her husband's cocaine problem.
That's it for now. We have our next meeting with our son tomorrow night (Friday) at a family session. I am sure I will have something more to say after that.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Our first visit to the treatment center
I have to remember a few things.
1. He is still in early recovery. No matter how much time has passed we are still in the early stages of his recovery and I cannot expect an overnight change to his attitude and the way he thinks.
2. The health care system in this country with regard to addiction and mental illness stinks. Until you are involved in this side of the system you never realize how limiting their coverage is. If our son had a serious life threatening illness most of what he needed would be covered. However, even though addictions and mental illness can kill a person just as easily, the insurance companies find more ways to limit coverage than I have ever seen. They feel that a few weeks in-patient is all a person needs, followed by out-patient coverage, no matter what the situation.
3. I need to accept #1 and #2 above as facts that cannot be changed. Yes, it is madenning that I am not seeing fast progress with out son and it drives me crazy knowing how much money I will be spending for his recovery over the next year. I need to not let it bother me and become all-consuming, no matter how hard it is.
Our visit on Friday night went as well as we could have expected. I won't go into the snafu regarding his step-down to the other house that was supposed to occur and how we almost didn't get to see him. We did enjoy the group session (the subject this week was co-dependency and how we enable) and it WAS good to see him after two weeks of him being away. However (and this is where I need to remember he is still in early recovery) I did not see a big improvement in him, the way he looked, and the way he acted. During a break we had a chance to speak to him outside and he expressed a desire to be home soon. We explained to him that he still had a long way to go and he needs to show us that he can stay clean, out of trouble, and hold down a job before we would consider him coming home, and that when he gets home he has to have a job first as I will not allow him to sit on the couch all day like he did when he returned home from Carrier. I reminded him that he has a ton of legal hurdles ahead and that the longer he stays in treatment the better his chances of remaining out of jail. Jail.....what a harsh word when you think about your son, but this is his harsh reality for not thinking about the consequences of his actions. I want him to come home more than anything (there is a huge hole in my heart without him home doing what he was supposed to be doing) but I cannot have him home the way it used to be. It HAS to be different and he is the only one that can make this happen.
Friday, June 12, 2009
One phone call can rock your world
After two weeks with our son being away and getting treatment I was finally starting to feel good about things, that we had made the right decision, and that barring tough as nails judge our plan for keeping our son out of jail (90 days treatment, followed by a half-way house, then a sober house) was going to work out fine. Unfortunately, the insurance companies of this country do not feel that addiction and mental health issues should be treated the same way as any other serious illnesses. If they did, then I wouldn't have received the call this afternoon from the treatment center with the news that the insurance company has determined (under their guidelines) that our son was 'medically cleared' and they would now only pay for his treatment but not his room and board. I told the woman that she 'rocked my world', and not in a good way.
So, in order for our son to continue receiving the best care possible to cure his addiction and mental health issues, we are now responsible for his 'room and board', at a cost of $125 per day, or to put it bluntly, $3800 a month! I was prepared to pay the $3000 a month for his half-way house 'room and board', but that is not going to happen until late July. I was not prepared to now have to spend this money and more NOW.
I know, in the grand scheme of things, what's another $7600 that we really don't have. But seriously folks, if our son had cancer and needed to stay in the hospital for an extended period of time to receive treatment he would not be treated this way by the insurance companies of this country.
So today, well later today as it is 12:30am, we are going for our first Family Session at the center. We plan on meeting with the financial folks first to figure out the best way to pay for his continued care. It will be interesting to see what comes out of these sessions today. We have not spoken to our son for two weeks now, and have only received the one letter. This is the longest time we have not seen or heard from him, so I am curious to see how this is going to go. I wonder if he has accepted, or is going to accept, the fact that he is not coming home for awhile, if ever, and that he still has alot of work to do. We need to seperate him from his addictive influences (ie bad friends) and the longer he stays away from home the better off he will be and it will increase the chances of his permanent success.
If anyone reads this, please keep our family (especially our son) in your prayers.
Thanks.
So, in order for our son to continue receiving the best care possible to cure his addiction and mental health issues, we are now responsible for his 'room and board', at a cost of $125 per day, or to put it bluntly, $3800 a month! I was prepared to pay the $3000 a month for his half-way house 'room and board', but that is not going to happen until late July. I was not prepared to now have to spend this money and more NOW.
I know, in the grand scheme of things, what's another $7600 that we really don't have. But seriously folks, if our son had cancer and needed to stay in the hospital for an extended period of time to receive treatment he would not be treated this way by the insurance companies of this country.
So today, well later today as it is 12:30am, we are going for our first Family Session at the center. We plan on meeting with the financial folks first to figure out the best way to pay for his continued care. It will be interesting to see what comes out of these sessions today. We have not spoken to our son for two weeks now, and have only received the one letter. This is the longest time we have not seen or heard from him, so I am curious to see how this is going to go. I wonder if he has accepted, or is going to accept, the fact that he is not coming home for awhile, if ever, and that he still has alot of work to do. We need to seperate him from his addictive influences (ie bad friends) and the longer he stays away from home the better off he will be and it will increase the chances of his permanent success.
If anyone reads this, please keep our family (especially our son) in your prayers.
Thanks.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Obla-Di, Obla-Da
Nothing really new to report at the moment. It's like the morning after a big thunderstorm. Everything is calm, with a little damage to clean up. My wife and I went to our support group on Tuesday night and our new situation was the hot topic of the night, with many of the other conversations going right back to it. Everybody was supportive, sympathetic, and reassured us that we are doing the right thing. On the home front, our house is a bit calmer with less worry, no locked doors, and knowing that our son is at the place that he will get the help that he needs. Word is starting to trickle out to his friends, some of whom have called us at home. We still need to get in touch with some of his NA people, including his sponsor. My wife and I have not yet made an attempt to get his room in order. We know he is in the right place and we are doing the right thing (and it may be the only thing that keeps him out of jail) but we have a huge hole in our hearts now because even if he comes out of this a better person, life in our house will never be the same.
On a negative note, we had no success this week keeping the article out of the town rag (paper). I picked up a copy last night at the local 7-11 and despite our best efforts the article made the front page. We don't care about us, and our son will never see the article. We are just trying to minimize the effect this will have on our younger son. The people in town that know us well will be supportive. The other 100 or so that know us will be supportive as well. The other 27,500 who don't know us I don't care about. Life will go on, obla-di obla-da.
Our first chance of visiting him will be next Monday, but we are going to pass. He has to begin to grow up and realize that mom and dad are not going to come running after him all the time. He is not 2 years old, he is 20 and needs to begin to stand up on his own. He also needs to work this program as hard as he can, because only positive progress reports to the prosecutor/judge will help him.
More in another day or so. Stay tuned.
On a negative note, we had no success this week keeping the article out of the town rag (paper). I picked up a copy last night at the local 7-11 and despite our best efforts the article made the front page. We don't care about us, and our son will never see the article. We are just trying to minimize the effect this will have on our younger son. The people in town that know us well will be supportive. The other 100 or so that know us will be supportive as well. The other 27,500 who don't know us I don't care about. Life will go on, obla-di obla-da.
Our first chance of visiting him will be next Monday, but we are going to pass. He has to begin to grow up and realize that mom and dad are not going to come running after him all the time. He is not 2 years old, he is 20 and needs to begin to stand up on his own. He also needs to work this program as hard as he can, because only positive progress reports to the prosecutor/judge will help him.
More in another day or so. Stay tuned.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Just when you think things could not get any worse.....
Thursday May 28
Things were going really well with Our son until last night. Since his return from Carrier in March he has had two minor relapses but for the past 40 days he has been clean as a whistle (as far as we could tell). He was going to his out-patient treatment at Summit Oaks three mornings a week and to nightly NA meetings. He hasn't gone out every night and when he did he was meeting his curfew. He found a sponsor and was starting his Step work. We found him a new Psychologist that seemed to be starting to work out well. My biggest complaint was that he was not doing anything else, not working (or looking for work) and not thinking about going back to school in the fall. However, since he still is in the stages of Early Recovery that is to be expected, especially with someone with multiple issues (medically termed a dual-diagnosis) due to his addiction, ADD, depression, anxiety, and insomnia. My wife and I go every Tuesday night to a Parent Support Groupmeeting in Summit for parents of addicts, and our younger son has started to see a psychologist as well (this is effecting him as well, in ways we may not know for years).
So, things were moving along until Our son missed his curfew on Wed night and by 3am I was driving around trying to find him (or the car of the friend he was with). He eventually called me around 3:30 am to say he was arrested and that he would not be released until the judge set bail in the morning. Seems that he had 30 Percacet on him (he said he found them, we know better) that he was going to give to a friend who wanted to buy them. He was with a good friend around 11:30 or so and his friend made an illegal U-turn on Northfield road and got pulled over. The cops thought they smelled pot (there wasn't any) and that was excuse enough to search the cars and the boys, and of course they found the 30 Percacet that Our son had in a baggie on him. He was arrested and Thursday morning the Judge set bail for both boys (the driver was arrested as well, because of Our son's possession) and Our son's was $75,000. On Thursday morning (yesterday) I had to call abail-bondsman to bail Our son out, pay him a 10% fee ($7,500) that we will never get back in order to have Our son released, otherwise he would have to go to the Essex County jail until trial or we could come up with the $75,000 cash.
I believe what happened with the percacet was that Our son got a call from one of his drug 'buddies' from school and he wanted to know if Our son knew where to get some for him. Our son probably figured this would be an easy way to make a little money, had the pills dropped off (either here or left somewhere) and he was going to give them to this guy for a little cash. Of course, when this happens Our son becomes a cop magnet, and if it wasn't for his friend making an illegal u-turn (his friend had no knowledge that Our son had the pills on him) Our son would never have been caught.
By the time I was able to get Our son out it was mid-morning and we had heard back from our Attorney (My wife called him while I was at the station) and we went over to meet him. Our son has a number of very serious charges against him right now due to the fact that he had 30 Percacets on him, which implies the intent to distribute. One of the charges is a 2nd degree charge (the degrees go from 1-4 with 1 being the worst) due to the arrest being 500 feet from a school (where the boys were eventually pulled over) and this charge if he is found guilty of could give him a 5-10 year jail sentence in a state facility. Of course, our lawyer says he will be found guilty of this over his dead body and I believe him because I know how good he is (and he is, and worth every penny). After talking with the three of us (Our son crying most of the time and My wife and I barely holding it together) he asked Our son to leave the room so he could talk with us about the situationand more importantly the cost. He has ALOT of work to do for this that will include multiple visits to the prosecutors office (this is an Essex county charge now, we are no longer in a municipal court for this arrest due to the severity of it) so he can work on getting the charges downgraded to minimize or eliminate any jail time (more on that in a moment). His normal fee for this is $50,000 (I almost had a stroke) but because we have used him and his partner in the past (for Our son's other arrests), and because he knows our family and knows we are doing everything we can for Our son he told us he would cut that fee in half, which basically means for us that all of the rest of Our son's college money is going to help pay for his attorney.
When we got back home after the lawyer, Our son went to bed (he was up all night in the local jail), and we got busy on the phone to get Our son into a in-patient facility that is able to deal with a Dual-Diagnosis patient. We spoke to Summit Oaks and his psychologist, and they agreed that an long-term in-patient center was the best bet for him, and our lawyer said that this can only HELP him with Our son's case, and that he could possibly have some of the charges dismissed or the penalty being no jail time since he is in a treatment facility. We also spoke with the leader of our support group and she agreed that this was the best thing for him. Even though he has been clean for 40 days, he is still making stupid decisions and thinking that he cannot get caught doing what he was doing. He needs to get more intense treatment for his addiction and have his brain re-programmed to get a better sense of what is right and wrong. Unfortunately, there are not alot ofplaces that treat dual-diagnosis patients in NJ, PA , or NY that are within a few hours away, and that have a bed for him. We found a place in south Jersey that does, and they come highly recommended (one of the other families in our group sent one of their daughters there, so we called them and spoke to them yesterday). Our son agreed to go there (voluntarily) because he knows that this may be the only thing that keeps him out of jail.
So, today at 3pm we will drive Our son down to Keyport for his intake meetings (we do one, he does one, we all do one together) and then we will be leaving him there for up to 90 days. If all goes well, he will be allowed to step-down to a half-way house in the area there to continue his treatment and get a job, reporting back to the house each day after work. This type of a program totally removes the addict from his comfort environment that has the triggers for addiction issues (and in Our son's case not totally knowing the consequences of his actions and the possibilities of what could happen).
I thought leaving him in the Psych ward after his overdose in February was hard. I thought leaving him at Carrier Clinic in February for 10 days was hard. This is devastating. Our younger son was hysterical all night last night once he found out what was going on and was crying this morning before he went to school. My wife and I are basket cases right now but know that this is the ONLY thing we can do, and the ONLY thing that gives him a chance to not go to jail. Just when you think things are going great, just when you think things could never get worse, this happens, and this is just the worst thing (other than a devastating illness or death) that a parent can ever go through with a child. My wife and I are doing the best we can right now (we both took off of work yesterday to make our calls and arrangements) and are both working from home today since we have to leave by around 3 to take Our son to the facility. We still have alot of things to do with thisincluding calling his Probation Officer for his November DUI regarding his community service that he will no longer be able to fulfill, we have to call his NA sponsor, and have to call another NA guy that Our son was working with to run one of his weekly meetings. Then there are Our son's friends....the good ones that he has remained friends with that know his situation and have been helping us keep him on the right track.....that we have to call to let them know the situation.
This is it. This is his last chance. Short of selling our home or wiping out our 401K's there is no more money left for him. This episode is going to cost us almost $40,000 (bail-bondsman, lawyer, fines, figuring in the insurance co-pays) on top of the $12,000 we have spent on the other cases (lawyer fees and fines). While addiction IS a disease that needs to be treated like any other serious disease, he does have some control over his actions and should be able to keep himself out of trouble, which he has not been able to do. I will pay for his medical but we are done bailing him out and paying for lawyers. As hard as this will be for us, at some point he has to stand up on his own and deal with his issues. We are hoping that this is his bottom (it certainly is ours) and that things will get better from here.
Friday night, May 29
So we took him last night, and it went well. We won't be able to talk to him for about a week (he is in a black-out period, normal for a person's first entry to a place like this). It is actually a nice place, an old Victorian house right on the bay in Keyport (that is the residence) with the treatment center a few blocks away. Insurance is going to cover most of the expense. The real challenge will be afterwards because insurance does not cover a half-way house which he will need to go to afterwards and that will run about $3000 a month. A half-way house will be continued care and a place where he will go off to work each day somewhere in the area. We have to get him to that place first.
Things were going really well with Our son until last night. Since his return from Carrier in March he has had two minor relapses but for the past 40 days he has been clean as a whistle (as far as we could tell). He was going to his out-patient treatment at Summit Oaks three mornings a week and to nightly NA meetings. He hasn't gone out every night and when he did he was meeting his curfew. He found a sponsor and was starting his Step work. We found him a new Psychologist that seemed to be starting to work out well. My biggest complaint was that he was not doing anything else, not working (or looking for work) and not thinking about going back to school in the fall. However, since he still is in the stages of Early Recovery that is to be expected, especially with someone with multiple issues (medically termed a dual-diagnosis) due to his addiction, ADD, depression, anxiety, and insomnia. My wife and I go every Tuesday night to a Parent Support Groupmeeting in Summit for parents of addicts, and our younger son has started to see a psychologist as well (this is effecting him as well, in ways we may not know for years).
So, things were moving along until Our son missed his curfew on Wed night and by 3am I was driving around trying to find him (or the car of the friend he was with). He eventually called me around 3:30 am to say he was arrested and that he would not be released until the judge set bail in the morning. Seems that he had 30 Percacet on him (he said he found them, we know better) that he was going to give to a friend who wanted to buy them. He was with a good friend around 11:30 or so and his friend made an illegal U-turn on Northfield road and got pulled over. The cops thought they smelled pot (there wasn't any) and that was excuse enough to search the cars and the boys, and of course they found the 30 Percacet that Our son had in a baggie on him. He was arrested and Thursday morning the Judge set bail for both boys (the driver was arrested as well, because of Our son's possession) and Our son's was $75,000. On Thursday morning (yesterday) I had to call abail-bondsman to bail Our son out, pay him a 10% fee ($7,500) that we will never get back in order to have Our son released, otherwise he would have to go to the Essex County jail until trial or we could come up with the $75,000 cash.
I believe what happened with the percacet was that Our son got a call from one of his drug 'buddies' from school and he wanted to know if Our son knew where to get some for him. Our son probably figured this would be an easy way to make a little money, had the pills dropped off (either here or left somewhere) and he was going to give them to this guy for a little cash. Of course, when this happens Our son becomes a cop magnet, and if it wasn't for his friend making an illegal u-turn (his friend had no knowledge that Our son had the pills on him) Our son would never have been caught.
By the time I was able to get Our son out it was mid-morning and we had heard back from our Attorney (My wife called him while I was at the station) and we went over to meet him. Our son has a number of very serious charges against him right now due to the fact that he had 30 Percacets on him, which implies the intent to distribute. One of the charges is a 2nd degree charge (the degrees go from 1-4 with 1 being the worst) due to the arrest being 500 feet from a school (where the boys were eventually pulled over) and this charge if he is found guilty of could give him a 5-10 year jail sentence in a state facility. Of course, our lawyer says he will be found guilty of this over his dead body and I believe him because I know how good he is (and he is, and worth every penny). After talking with the three of us (Our son crying most of the time and My wife and I barely holding it together) he asked Our son to leave the room so he could talk with us about the situationand more importantly the cost. He has ALOT of work to do for this that will include multiple visits to the prosecutors office (this is an Essex county charge now, we are no longer in a municipal court for this arrest due to the severity of it) so he can work on getting the charges downgraded to minimize or eliminate any jail time (more on that in a moment). His normal fee for this is $50,000 (I almost had a stroke) but because we have used him and his partner in the past (for Our son's other arrests), and because he knows our family and knows we are doing everything we can for Our son he told us he would cut that fee in half, which basically means for us that all of the rest of Our son's college money is going to help pay for his attorney.
When we got back home after the lawyer, Our son went to bed (he was up all night in the local jail), and we got busy on the phone to get Our son into a in-patient facility that is able to deal with a Dual-Diagnosis patient. We spoke to Summit Oaks and his psychologist, and they agreed that an long-term in-patient center was the best bet for him, and our lawyer said that this can only HELP him with Our son's case, and that he could possibly have some of the charges dismissed or the penalty being no jail time since he is in a treatment facility. We also spoke with the leader of our support group and she agreed that this was the best thing for him. Even though he has been clean for 40 days, he is still making stupid decisions and thinking that he cannot get caught doing what he was doing. He needs to get more intense treatment for his addiction and have his brain re-programmed to get a better sense of what is right and wrong. Unfortunately, there are not alot ofplaces that treat dual-diagnosis patients in NJ, PA , or NY that are within a few hours away, and that have a bed for him. We found a place in south Jersey that does, and they come highly recommended (one of the other families in our group sent one of their daughters there, so we called them and spoke to them yesterday). Our son agreed to go there (voluntarily) because he knows that this may be the only thing that keeps him out of jail.
So, today at 3pm we will drive Our son down to Keyport for his intake meetings (we do one, he does one, we all do one together) and then we will be leaving him there for up to 90 days. If all goes well, he will be allowed to step-down to a half-way house in the area there to continue his treatment and get a job, reporting back to the house each day after work. This type of a program totally removes the addict from his comfort environment that has the triggers for addiction issues (and in Our son's case not totally knowing the consequences of his actions and the possibilities of what could happen).
I thought leaving him in the Psych ward after his overdose in February was hard. I thought leaving him at Carrier Clinic in February for 10 days was hard. This is devastating. Our younger son was hysterical all night last night once he found out what was going on and was crying this morning before he went to school. My wife and I are basket cases right now but know that this is the ONLY thing we can do, and the ONLY thing that gives him a chance to not go to jail. Just when you think things are going great, just when you think things could never get worse, this happens, and this is just the worst thing (other than a devastating illness or death) that a parent can ever go through with a child. My wife and I are doing the best we can right now (we both took off of work yesterday to make our calls and arrangements) and are both working from home today since we have to leave by around 3 to take Our son to the facility. We still have alot of things to do with thisincluding calling his Probation Officer for his November DUI regarding his community service that he will no longer be able to fulfill, we have to call his NA sponsor, and have to call another NA guy that Our son was working with to run one of his weekly meetings. Then there are Our son's friends....the good ones that he has remained friends with that know his situation and have been helping us keep him on the right track.....that we have to call to let them know the situation.
This is it. This is his last chance. Short of selling our home or wiping out our 401K's there is no more money left for him. This episode is going to cost us almost $40,000 (bail-bondsman, lawyer, fines, figuring in the insurance co-pays) on top of the $12,000 we have spent on the other cases (lawyer fees and fines). While addiction IS a disease that needs to be treated like any other serious disease, he does have some control over his actions and should be able to keep himself out of trouble, which he has not been able to do. I will pay for his medical but we are done bailing him out and paying for lawyers. As hard as this will be for us, at some point he has to stand up on his own and deal with his issues. We are hoping that this is his bottom (it certainly is ours) and that things will get better from here.
Friday night, May 29
So we took him last night, and it went well. We won't be able to talk to him for about a week (he is in a black-out period, normal for a person's first entry to a place like this). It is actually a nice place, an old Victorian house right on the bay in Keyport (that is the residence) with the treatment center a few blocks away. Insurance is going to cover most of the expense. The real challenge will be afterwards because insurance does not cover a half-way house which he will need to go to afterwards and that will run about $3000 a month. A half-way house will be continued care and a place where he will go off to work each day somewhere in the area. We have to get him to that place first.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
This is not fun.....
I am not having a good day today. I'm not sure why. My wife and I had a good meeting last night at the support group. Compared to all the other people in the group our situation is still so NEW compared to what everyone else has been going through for years, and they have all had much worse situations. I hope we don't have to go through what they all have and I hope we don't have to do the things that many of them have had to do (ie kicking their kids out, preventing them from ever coming home, pressing charges, etc, etc). I don't think we are there and I pray that we never get there. I look at our son now, and I see him trying and succeeding (40 days or so since the last relapse) and I continue to be cautiously optimistic.
I also see another couple there who have put their 20 year old in an extended open-ended program and I wonder, based on what they told everyone he did and they went through, if they went TOO far and are being too strict about it. I guess one never really knows. There are no easy answers and there is no right or wrong way. Each case is different and one size does not fit all.
So, why am I not having a good day? I think its because I am not where I want to be right now (emotionally), and that is all caused by what our son put us through earlier this year (the arrests, court cases, the ER visits, the psyche ward, the in-patient time, and now the never-ending out-patient and meeting cycle). I feel like I am on a treadmill and I can't change the speed and I can't fix the problem to turn the darn thing off so we can live the lives I thought we would. This is heavy stuff, I know, but I like to fix things. I like to make people happy and I want our family to be happy, or at least happier than we are now. We're doing good, and our son is doing much better, and our younger son is fine, but it seems we are all waiting for the next crisis that hopefully will never come but may be inevitable. As our group leader said the other night, we are still in the Early Recovery stage. I would like to know when we graduate away from Early Recovery!!!!
I also see another couple there who have put their 20 year old in an extended open-ended program and I wonder, based on what they told everyone he did and they went through, if they went TOO far and are being too strict about it. I guess one never really knows. There are no easy answers and there is no right or wrong way. Each case is different and one size does not fit all.
So, why am I not having a good day? I think its because I am not where I want to be right now (emotionally), and that is all caused by what our son put us through earlier this year (the arrests, court cases, the ER visits, the psyche ward, the in-patient time, and now the never-ending out-patient and meeting cycle). I feel like I am on a treadmill and I can't change the speed and I can't fix the problem to turn the darn thing off so we can live the lives I thought we would. This is heavy stuff, I know, but I like to fix things. I like to make people happy and I want our family to be happy, or at least happier than we are now. We're doing good, and our son is doing much better, and our younger son is fine, but it seems we are all waiting for the next crisis that hopefully will never come but may be inevitable. As our group leader said the other night, we are still in the Early Recovery stage. I would like to know when we graduate away from Early Recovery!!!!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
A good Memorial Day Weekend
A fairly quiet Memorial Day weekend with our son. He went to his meetings, he hung out at home, went out a little bit. We talked a little. He says it is hard, but he IS trying. He is now almost 40 days since the last small relapse and he is very excited and proud of it, as are we. We are still on pins and needles, never knowing when he may come home on something, or he was tempted and now is dealing with the anxiety and depression that comes from knowing (from his perspective) that his friends can have a beer or smoke a joint and they are fine but that he can't even do it once without triggering him to start using again. We feel bad for him, but this is the life he has made for himself, and we are doing everything we can to make sure he has the tools and support he needs.
Still no job, and no real discussions about school other than he was relieved to hear from us that we are not pushing for him to go back full-time in the fall. I'm not sure if he could handle it anyway. We'll have to see. Of course, like with looking for a job HE has to make the steps. We cannot enable him because that is not helpful to him in the future.
Still no job, and no real discussions about school other than he was relieved to hear from us that we are not pushing for him to go back full-time in the fall. I'm not sure if he could handle it anyway. We'll have to see. Of course, like with looking for a job HE has to make the steps. We cannot enable him because that is not helpful to him in the future.
Friday, May 22, 2009
May 22 update - things going good
Haven't posted in a few days. That is a good thing I guess. Our son seems to be holding his own. No drug/alcohol issues, meeting his curfew, not seeing people we know are bad influences. I just wish he would do MORE. For example, the other day he slept until after 1, the laid on the couch the rest of the day and at one point had to take a nap because he was tired!! I keep trying to explain to him that if he was active (ie working a little) he would have more purpose and would not be depressed. I am tempering my exepectations and am in full realization that his job right now is to get better, no matter how long it takes. Because we are dealing with multiple levels of issues (addicition, depression, anxiety, etc) this is going to be a long haul.
I'm not sure if anyone will ever read this, but it feels good to write it out a bit.
I'm not sure if anyone will ever read this, but it feels good to write it out a bit.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
The story so far......
Here is what I have written so far. I have changed the names to protect the innocent. This is just an exercise to trace the incidents, to make some sense of this whole thing. I wish I had started this in the beginning. Consequently, the first few months are just highlights (lowlights actually......how could this stuff be considered good?).
Our son has an addicition to Benzo medications. He has mild ADD, insomnia, anxiety and while he will not admit to it, a case of depression. When he can't sleep his anxiety increases, leading to him taking more medication. Self and over medicating has led to where we are today, and he has a history of using OTC as well as illegally obtained perscription medication (bought from others).
The benzodiazepines ( often abbreviated to "benzos") are a commonly prescribed class of psychoactive drugs with varying sedative, hypnotic, anxiolytic (antianxiety), anticonvulsant, muscle relaxant and amnesic properties.[1] Benzodiazepines are useful in treating anxiety, insomnia, agitation, seizures and muscle spasms, as well as alcohol withdrawal
April 2008 - ADD medication arrest (even though he had a scrip). He was in a car that was pulled over and all the occupants searched. He had Adderall in his pocket without the bottle. Arrested for carrying a controlled substance without a perscription. Result, guilty plea with 6 month conditional discharge.
November 2008 - DUI at mall. In mall parking lot, waiting for a friend to pick him up. Huffing as well, though that was not proven. Other charges include resisting arrest, creating a public nuisance (during the arrest), etc. Result, found guilty of DUI, other charges dropped. 30 days license suspension, community service.
February 2009 - Marijuana arrest in motor vehicle in next town. Someone reported him passed out at as traffic light. He was able to drive, but got pulled over and the cops smelled pot. End result, disorderly conduct charge. This resulted in a probation violation from
Total Attorney Fees and municipal fines approximately $12,000.
February 2009 - March 2009 - Drug issues spiraled out of control during last court appearances, probably due to increased anxiety and insomnia. Psychiatrist that is treating him does not believe him when he says he is not self/over medicating. He is lying to himself, us, and his Psychologist. Find him passed out on the couch and his bedroom unable to wake him up on two occasions. Two ER visits, second one leading to admission for medical issues, then he agreed to go for Psyche Evaluation (6 days), leading to 10 Days at Carrier Clinic. Withdrawn from school for medical reasons.
March 2009 - April 2009 - Outpatient at
Mild slip/relapse in Mid March, leading to house arrest for two weeks.
Major slip/relapse in mid April, incident in neighborhood, luckily no arrest. Met with Summit Oaks team. He agreed next relapse would lead to admission to 28 day program. Tests positive for alcohol next day after we found Vanilla & Lemon Extract bottles in his backpack (80% alcohol in those small little bottles!).
April 18/19. On something, not sure what. Friend has medication missing. Our son not acting normal, we can tell he is using something but cannot find it. He denies it but it seems like we are to where we were in Feb. He is taking his meds when he wants to, not as prescribed. He decides to show me 'all' of his hiding spots in the house and outside. I thank him, but inside I know he can be hiding things anywhere and he is just trying to throw us off the trail.
April 19, missed Apple Store appointment again to have his Imac looked at. He could not get up. Arranged to give guitar lesson, could barely get up for that. We told him to call family and say he was sick. In afternoon/evening he does have a fever.
April 20. Forced him to go to Outpatient. Slept through his alarm blaring right by his ear. He says he is still not feeling well, but has no fever. He goes. Wife takes him to new Psychiatrist in the afternoon. Summit Oaks will still be his primary for now, but it is good to have a new Psych established for when (or if) he ever finishes with
April 21. Asked Our son to call his sponsor over the last few days about a possible ride to his meeting tonight so Wife and I can go to a meeting for ourselves. Wife checked his phone (he never erases calls), no calls to his sponsor. We have a ride arranged for him, but it is better if HE does this himself. I have to stop enabling him (that is my biggest problem). He sleeps until
April 22 to May 6. - Nothing major to report. Wife and I have started to go to Parent Support Group meetings. It's a good group and we are learning how not to enable Our son. He still does almost nothing except go to therapy and meetings. We were able to get him to do some stuff around the house only after we gave him a deadline with a consequence of not meeting the deadline of having his internet access turned off (I can do that through the router to his computers). We have had some minor arguments with him, but overall we think he is trying. He IS having a difficult time, and so are we as we are waiting for the next problem or relapse. Wife and I are researching 28+ day in-patient programs so that we have some numbers ready if he does have a major relapse.
My emotions are running wild again. I go from angry to depressed in the course of a day and back again. I am angry because he has so much talent that he is wasting, and I am angry that he is not doing what he is supposed to be doing (going to school, working on his future), and this anger leads to depression and the depression leads back to anger. Meanwhile, life goes on, the sun goes up and down, Our son needs rides to get where he needs to go, and Wife and I do our best to have some sense of normalcy while waiting for the next problem and hoping it never happens.
May 7 to 11. Things are going a bit better. We know Our son is trying and we know that this is hard. His emotions seem to range from depression to happiness, to discouragement. Probably because HE is not in a place he thought he would be at. The challenges are going to get stronger now because most of the kids are now back from school, including some that are not the greatest influence on him. It seems though that he is trying to avoid situations and people. This past Saturday night, after we all went out for dinner for my mom's birthday, he stayed home with all of us and did not go out, something that would have been totally unheard of a few months ago. We don't know if he was avoiding a situation or just didn't want to see anyone. On a negative side we also found a stray OTC pill in the bathroom on Saturday night. It had to be his, though he denied it. He is not using drugs though, we think we would know because we know what he is like. Of course, when people talk with him (ie his uncles, grandparents) he says the right things (what people want to hear) but is still not doing all the things he is supposed to do (ie look for a job, register for fall classes). We will not do this stuff for him. On Sunday he DID cut the grass and said it wasn't so bad. He is trying, we are trying, and life moves on. I just pray we are going in the right direction.
I am almost finished with Beautiful Boy by David Sheff. What an amazing read, with some of the parts really hitting home. Next on the agenda is his sons' book, Tweaked by Nic Sheff. The same issue (Nic's addiction) but this time from the addicts point of view. Scary stuff indeed.
BTW.....I need to get this out on a blog. I don't want Our son to see if though so I'll probably hide my own identity and use some fake names. This is worth keeping, plus it is getting me to write a bit. How about that!!!
May 12 - Our son went out with some friends last night that have just come home from college. Now is when the real challenge for him is going to begin. When one of his friends came over to pick him up after his meeting I reminded him that there is a zero tolerance policy for Our son, and that he has to respect that otherwise Our son will not be able to hang out with him (we will put him back under house arrest if we have to). He said he understood, but of course he is 20 and in college and..... Our son did come home on time and looked fine. He hung out with me in the den and then I went to sleep. I believe he was sober/straight as I am becoming a lot better at determining when he is on something.
Our son's sponsor stopped by earlier in the evening as he had not heard from Our son in a few days and was concerned. From his point of view Our son is not trying enough, and not working the NA 12 step program like he should be. We talked for a bit and I told him I was not overly concerned at this point about that because this is still so new to Our son, but I did agree to talk to Our son about it. Our son does need to be more serious about his recovery. I just don't know whether or not he is really ready. He says he is and we know he is trying, but he is only 20 and this is all new. Time and situations will tell.
May 13 - Wife and I went to our parents group last night. As usual it was good. We are still rookies in this game and it is comforting to know there are other people who truly understand what we have gone through and what we are feeling. In addition, hearing their stories and weekly issues (most much worse than our situation) somewhat puts our issues into perspective because we know we could be much worse off with Our son. As for Our son, amazingly he was able to get a ride to last nights meeting in Summit (something he couldn't do last week) and was voted to be that meetings 'coffee person' by the group....which basically means he is responsible for setting up the coffee that night. After the meeting he went out to the movies with a friend and was home by
May 14-18 - Things are going as well as we can expect. Our son has had no slips and is trying. We took him to a new Psychologist on Friday and they seemed to hit it off. This guy is a young adult addiction specialist who also specializes in insomnia. On Saturday we took Our younger son for the first time to a Psychologist that we have used before for Our son. At first Our younger son did not feel he needed to go, but after talking with him alone and with us, Our younger son said he got alot out of it and is willing to go back again to see him. We know Our son's actions of the last 6 months have had some effect on Our younger son, and we just want to make sure it doesn't send him down the wrong path. One thing we did learn from this doctor is that Our son has multi-layers of issues to deal with (addiction, anxiety, depression, ADD), and that makes it much harder for him to overcome them all.
May 18
May 19 - He came home on time last night and did not look, act, or smell like he had taken anything. With each passing day my hope that he has taken some big steps grows. This of course is tempered because I know that at any time he can regress due to other issues.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
