This is not fun.....

I am not having a good day today. I'm not sure why. My wife and I had a good meeting last night at the support group. Compared to all the other people in the group our situation is still so NEW compared to what everyone else has been going through for years, and they have all had much worse situations. I hope we don't have to go through what they all have and I hope we don't have to do the things that many of them have had to do (ie kicking their kids out, preventing them from ever coming home, pressing charges, etc, etc). I don't think we are there and I pray that we never get there. I look at our son now, and I see him trying and succeeding (40 days or so since the last relapse) and I continue to be cautiously optimistic.

I also see another couple there who have put their 20 year old in an extended open-ended program and I wonder, based on what they told everyone he did and they went through, if they went TOO far and are being too strict about it. I guess one never really knows. There are no easy answers and there is no right or wrong way. Each case is different and one size does not fit all.

So, why am I not having a good day? I think its because I am not where I want to be right now (emotionally), and that is all caused by what our son put us through earlier this year (the arrests, court cases, the ER visits, the psyche ward, the in-patient time, and now the never-ending out-patient and meeting cycle). I feel like I am on a treadmill and I can't change the speed and I can't fix the problem to turn the darn thing off so we can live the lives I thought we would. This is heavy stuff, I know, but I like to fix things. I like to make people happy and I want our family to be happy, or at least happier than we are now. We're doing good, and our son is doing much better, and our younger son is fine, but it seems we are all waiting for the next crisis that hopefully will never come but may be inevitable. As our group leader said the other night, we are still in the Early Recovery stage. I would like to know when we graduate away from Early Recovery!!!!

A good Memorial Day Weekend

A fairly quiet Memorial Day weekend with our son. He went to his meetings, he hung out at home, went out a little bit. We talked a little. He says it is hard, but he IS trying. He is now almost 40 days since the last small relapse and he is very excited and proud of it, as are we. We are still on pins and needles, never knowing when he may come home on something, or he was tempted and now is dealing with the anxiety and depression that comes from knowing (from his perspective) that his friends can have a beer or smoke a joint and they are fine but that he can't even do it once without triggering him to start using again. We feel bad for him, but this is the life he has made for himself, and we are doing everything we can to make sure he has the tools and support he needs.

Still no job, and no real discussions about school other than he was relieved to hear from us that we are not pushing for him to go back full-time in the fall. I'm not sure if he could handle it anyway. We'll have to see. Of course, like with looking for a job HE has to make the steps. We cannot enable him because that is not helpful to him in the future.

May 22 update - things going good

Haven't posted in a few days. That is a good thing I guess. Our son seems to be holding his own. No drug/alcohol issues, meeting his curfew, not seeing people we know are bad influences. I just wish he would do MORE. For example, the other day he slept until after 1, the laid on the couch the rest of the day and at one point had to take a nap because he was tired!! I keep trying to explain to him that if he was active (ie working a little) he would have more purpose and would not be depressed. I am tempering my exepectations and am in full realization that his job right now is to get better, no matter how long it takes. Because we are dealing with multiple levels of issues (addicition, depression, anxiety, etc) this is going to be a long haul.

I'm not sure if anyone will ever read this, but it feels good to write it out a bit.

The story so far......

Here is what I have written so far. I have changed the names to protect the innocent. This is just an exercise to trace the incidents, to make some sense of this whole thing. I wish I had started this in the beginning. Consequently, the first few months are just highlights (lowlights actually......how could this stuff be considered good?).

Our son has an addicition to Benzo medications. He has mild ADD, insomnia, anxiety and while he will not admit to it, a case of depression. When he can't sleep his anxiety increases, leading to him taking more medication. Self and over medicating has led to where we are today, and he has a history of using OTC as well as illegally obtained perscription medication (bought from others).

The benzodiazepines ( often abbreviated to "benzos") are a commonly prescribed class of psychoactive drugs with varying sedative, hypnotic, anxiolytic (antianxiety), anticonvulsant, muscle relaxant and amnesic properties.[1] Benzodiazepines are useful in treating anxiety, insomnia, agitation, seizures and muscle spasms, as well as alcohol withdrawal

April 2008 - ADD medication arrest (even though he had a scrip). He was in a car that was pulled over and all the occupants searched. He had Adderall in his pocket without the bottle. Arrested for carrying a controlled substance without a perscription. Result, guilty plea with 6 month conditional discharge.

November 2008 - DUI at mall. In mall parking lot, waiting for a friend to pick him up. Huffing as well, though that was not proven. Other charges include resisting arrest, creating a public nuisance (during the arrest), etc. Result, found guilty of DUI, other charges dropped. 30 days license suspension, community service.

December 2008 - Leaving the scene of an accident (lost control of car, ran over a lawn. He says he was not on anything). He had not been driving for a few weeks except to school, but his psychologist recommended allowing some minor driving privledges. Result, plead guilty to negotiated plea deal of failure to report an accident. No points.

February 2009 - Marijuana arrest in motor vehicle in next town. Someone reported him passed out at as traffic light. He was able to drive, but got pulled over and the cops smelled pot. End result, disorderly conduct charge. This resulted in a probation violation from Wayne, which we were able to get dismissed.

Total Attorney Fees and municipal fines approximately $12,000.

February 2009 - March 2009 - Drug issues spiraled out of control during last court appearances, probably due to increased anxiety and insomnia. Psychiatrist that is treating him does not believe him when he says he is not self/over medicating. He is lying to himself, us, and his Psychologist. Find him passed out on the couch and his bedroom unable to wake him up on two occasions. Two ER visits, second one leading to admission for medical issues, then he agreed to go for Psyche Evaluation (6 days), leading to 10 Days at Carrier Clinic. Withdrawn from school for medical reasons.

March 2009 - April 2009 - Outpatient at Summit Oaks.. Nightly NA meetings. Finally gets sponsor in Mid April. Does nothing except go for treatment and meetings.

Mild slip/relapse in Mid March, leading to house arrest for two weeks.

Major slip/relapse in mid April, incident in neighborhood, luckily no arrest. Met with Summit Oaks team. He agreed next relapse would lead to admission to 28 day program. Tests positive for alcohol next day after we found Vanilla & Lemon Extract bottles in his backpack (80% alcohol in those small little bottles!).

April 18/19. On something, not sure what. Friend has medication missing. Our son not acting normal, we can tell he is using something but cannot find it. He denies it but it seems like we are to where we were in Feb. He is taking his meds when he wants to, not as prescribed. He decides to show me 'all' of his hiding spots in the house and outside. I thank him, but inside I know he can be hiding things anywhere and he is just trying to throw us off the trail.

April 19, missed Apple Store appointment again to have his Imac looked at. He could not get up. Arranged to give guitar lesson, could barely get up for that. We told him to call family and say he was sick. In afternoon/evening he does have a fever.

April 20. Forced him to go to Outpatient. Slept through his alarm blaring right by his ear. He says he is still not feeling well, but has no fever. He goes. Wife takes him to new Psychiatrist in the afternoon. Summit Oaks will still be his primary for now, but it is good to have a new Psych established for when (or if) he ever finishes with Summit. In the evening Wife (on a hunch) sticks around Summit after dropping him off at his NA meeting and about 30 minutes after the meeting started sees him leave and walk across the parking lot to a drug store. . He sees her car and makes a quick turnaround back to the Church. He was probably going there to buy (or steal?) some OTC meds and/or some extracts (ie Vanilla, etc....which have 80% alcohol and I believe he could be mixing with water).

April 21. Asked Our son to call his sponsor over the last few days about a possible ride to his meeting tonight so Wife and I can go to a meeting for ourselves. Wife checked his phone (he never erases calls), no calls to his sponsor. We have a ride arranged for him, but it is better if HE does this himself. I have to stop enabling him (that is my biggest problem). He sleeps until 3pm.

April 22 to May 6. - Nothing major to report. Wife and I have started to go to Parent Support Group meetings. It's a good group and we are learning how not to enable Our son. He still does almost nothing except go to therapy and meetings. We were able to get him to do some stuff around the house only after we gave him a deadline with a consequence of not meeting the deadline of having his internet access turned off (I can do that through the router to his computers). We have had some minor arguments with him, but overall we think he is trying. He IS having a difficult time, and so are we as we are waiting for the next problem or relapse. Wife and I are researching 28+ day in-patient programs so that we have some numbers ready if he does have a major relapse.

My emotions are running wild again. I go from angry to depressed in the course of a day and back again. I am angry because he has so much talent that he is wasting, and I am angry that he is not doing what he is supposed to be doing (going to school, working on his future), and this anger leads to depression and the depression leads back to anger. Meanwhile, life goes on, the sun goes up and down, Our son needs rides to get where he needs to go, and Wife and I do our best to have some sense of normalcy while waiting for the next problem and hoping it never happens.

May 7 to 11. Things are going a bit better. We know Our son is trying and we know that this is hard. His emotions seem to range from depression to happiness, to discouragement. Probably because HE is not in a place he thought he would be at. The challenges are going to get stronger now because most of the kids are now back from school, including some that are not the greatest influence on him. It seems though that he is trying to avoid situations and people. This past Saturday night, after we all went out for dinner for my mom's birthday, he stayed home with all of us and did not go out, something that would have been totally unheard of a few months ago. We don't know if he was avoiding a situation or just didn't want to see anyone. On a negative side we also found a stray OTC pill in the bathroom on Saturday night. It had to be his, though he denied it. He is not using drugs though, we think we would know because we know what he is like. Of course, when people talk with him (ie his uncles, grandparents) he says the right things (what people want to hear) but is still not doing all the things he is supposed to do (ie look for a job, register for fall classes). We will not do this stuff for him. On Sunday he DID cut the grass and said it wasn't so bad. He is trying, we are trying, and life moves on. I just pray we are going in the right direction.

I am almost finished with Beautiful Boy by David Sheff. What an amazing read, with some of the parts really hitting home. Next on the agenda is his sons' book, Tweaked by Nic Sheff. The same issue (Nic's addiction) but this time from the addicts point of view. Scary stuff indeed.

BTW.....I need to get this out on a blog. I don't want Our son to see if though so I'll probably hide my own identity and use some fake names. This is worth keeping, plus it is getting me to write a bit. How about that!!!

May 12 - Our son went out with some friends last night that have just come home from college. Now is when the real challenge for him is going to begin. When one of his friends came over to pick him up after his meeting I reminded him that there is a zero tolerance policy for Our son, and that he has to respect that otherwise Our son will not be able to hang out with him (we will put him back under house arrest if we have to). He said he understood, but of course he is 20 and in college and..... Our son did come home on time and looked fine. He hung out with me in the den and then I went to sleep. I believe he was sober/straight as I am becoming a lot better at determining when he is on something.

Our son's sponsor stopped by earlier in the evening as he had not heard from Our son in a few days and was concerned. From his point of view Our son is not trying enough, and not working the NA 12 step program like he should be. We talked for a bit and I told him I was not overly concerned at this point about that because this is still so new to Our son, but I did agree to talk to Our son about it. Our son does need to be more serious about his recovery. I just don't know whether or not he is really ready. He says he is and we know he is trying, but he is only 20 and this is all new. Time and situations will tell.

May 13 - Wife and I went to our parents group last night. As usual it was good. We are still rookies in this game and it is comforting to know there are other people who truly understand what we have gone through and what we are feeling. In addition, hearing their stories and weekly issues (most much worse than our situation) somewhat puts our issues into perspective because we know we could be much worse off with Our son. As for Our son, amazingly he was able to get a ride to last nights meeting in Summit (something he couldn't do last week) and was voted to be that meetings 'coffee person' by the group....which basically means he is responsible for setting up the coffee that night. After the meeting he went out to the movies with a friend and was home by 12:30 or so, and he was sober. This morning I took him to his out-patient in Summit and reminded him that he promised to finish the work I told him to do and told him that since it IS a nice day today with a chance for rain the next two days it would be a good idea to finish the job. Speaking of a job and school....no action on his part. Eventually he will run out of money for cigarettes and eventually he will realize he is doing nothing for his future. I am happy for the small victories however, as another day of him not using is another day he realizes he doesn't need drugs.

May 14-18 - Things are going as well as we can expect. Our son has had no slips and is trying. We took him to a new Psychologist on Friday and they seemed to hit it off. This guy is a young adult addiction specialist who also specializes in insomnia. On Saturday we took Our younger son for the first time to a Psychologist that we have used before for Our son. At first Our younger son did not feel he needed to go, but after talking with him alone and with us, Our younger son said he got alot out of it and is willing to go back again to see him. We know Our son's actions of the last 6 months have had some effect on Our younger son, and we just want to make sure it doesn't send him down the wrong path. One thing we did learn from this doctor is that Our son has multi-layers of issues to deal with (addiction, anxiety, depression, ADD), and that makes it much harder for him to overcome them all.

May 18 10pm. Cautiously optimistic? I am hoping, praying, that Our son really is turning a corner. Tonight he came out of his meeting with materials to be a fill-in leader for tomorrow night's meeting. And, he asked Wife and I to go to a family session at Summit Oaks on Friday. The center had mentioned to us a few weeks ago that they were going to try to get a family session (for all current patients) put together one Friday and it is up to the patients to ask the family (ie parents) to join. I'm glad he did. Of course, after his meeting he also went over to a friends house where we know he has smoked pot in the past. We both gave him stern warnings, and I told his friend that drove him over that there is a zero tolerance policy right now. I am cautiously optimistic and hope that he can remain on the right track. I reminded Our son that if anything is going on I will pick him right up. And, I reminded him that his curfew is still in place. So far he has been meeting that curfew. I hope, pray, etc, that my next entry will not be a "Our son had a slip last night" entry.

May 19 - He came home on time last night and did not look, act, or smell like he had taken anything. With each passing day my hope that he has taken some big steps grows. This of course is tempered because I know that at any time he can regress due to other issues.

I am the father of an addict

Since we realized a few months ago that our son was self-medicating and using drugs for more than recreational purposes our life has been hell. In an attempt to make sense of it all I started a little diary of events in one of my email accounts. I have realized that I need a better place to store that, so I have created this anonymous blog to post my entries. For now, nobody is going to know about this. In the future, I may tell certain people the name of this site (those who know of our entire situation and have helped us get through our troubles). At the very least this will be a place where I can go to just recollect what has been happening to us, a chain of events I never thought would occur, but who does.